Killing Him . . . almost

soullesspoet · Post by **soullesspoet** » Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:30 am

the dreaded scene
is strangely welcoming
as the tortured man
begs for death
-kill me, kill me now...-

he is the one
who betrayed me
long ago
when we were young
and promises and obligations
didn't mean much

the man that I love
is about to die
yet I don't feel remorse
even knowing the pain he's seen
my heart stops me
before it is too late
for me to reclaim his heart and soul

this man
so thin and gaunt now
used to be so captivating
with his beautiful, gleaming eyes
now so dull
and his hair
so perfect and lovely before
that became scraggly and dirty
while he was
imprisoned by me

I remember this
and tears come to my eyes
unbidden
unwanted

I rush into the room
and gently cradle his head
his poor, bloody head
in my arms

Joehanna · Post by **Joehanna** » Fri Jul 27, 2007 12:50 am

I really like this poem.
I don't think I can tell you what to do differently because it would be like telling some painter what to paint. They paint what they feel and I am pretty sure we write what we feel. And who am I to tell you what to feel.
Again it was a story. And I love the words you used to create it:)

soullesspoet · Post by **soullesspoet** » Fri Jul 27, 2007 9:45 am

thank you!

and i guess that's what this site is for then; just letting all of us express our feelings in one of the only ways we know how

about criticism though; it's really hard to do especially if they write differently than you do...

Gingy · Post by **Gingy** » Sat Jul 28, 2007 12:29 pm

nice write, but it finish a bit too quickly in my opinion, i think you could maybe add another stanza or two in there between the last and the second to last stanza, mayb describing the man that you so want to kill?!

Suggestions is all!!:)

Luv Gingy x

Graeme · Post by **Graeme** » Mon Jul 30, 2007 2:28 pm

the dreaded scene
is strangely welcoming
as the tortured man
begs for death
-kill me, kill me now...-

he is the one
who betrayed me
long ago
when we were young
and promises and obligations
didn't mean much

the man that I love
is about to die
yet I don't feel remorse ( 0mit - any)
even knowing the pain he's seen

my heart stops me (omit - but)
before it is too late
to reclaim his heart and soul (omit -for me)

I rush into the room
and gently cradle his head
his poor, bloody head
in my arms

I wouldn't change much, just tighten a couple of lines.

soullesspoet · Post by **soullesspoet** » Mon Jul 30, 2007 3:47 pm

gingy: I see what you mean. I think if I added that stanza between the 3rd and 4th existing ones, that would work best...

graeme: you're right, although I would keep the "for me" because it stresses that it is I who would do that, not just anyone

soullesspoet · Post by **soullesspoet** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:14 pm

as you both can probably see now
I've changed it to your suggestions
and I think it's a lot better now
thanks!

Gingy · Post by **Gingy** » Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:45 am

That's a lot better, I think you have explained it a lot more now and the added imagery gives it more empathy, what a brilliant write, enjoyed the read.

Luv Gingy x

Graeme · Post by **Graeme** » Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:56 pm

You're welcome - the greatest part of writing comes with the art of revision!

Poetry Pages

Killing Him . . . almost

Killing Him . . . almost

:)

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