I needs to be smoother 4,5,6 and any wording improvement. Any community suggestions are welcome. It is a dark hard piano piece, or will be when the timing is right lol.
Content
If my next breath
and my last breath each
Somehow crossed your lips
If my next heartbeat
and my last were each
In perfect sync with yours
[Chorus]
Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide
If my last tear fell
Living its moments
Fading to salt your skin
[Chorus]
Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide
If what I last heard
Was a sigh of passion
From your fresh moistened lips...
[Chorus]
Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide
Laughing crying hearts
Would find their Peace
Melting in the arms of each
Looking to improve this song for an excericise
Moderator: bags123
Looking to improve this song for an excericise
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise
I don't see where this needs improvement. Looks good and complete as is.
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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- soular
- Brain Beach
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise
Hi. As you say "any suggestions are welcome" I have a go (bold parts) imagining Nick Cave singing. I write lyrics myself so I believe you'd go with your flow anyway. This lyrics has a lot in common with my recent output so I made an unusual officious move. I hope you don't mind. I like the very last part in italics. Thank you.Mightfall wrote: ↑Mon Nov 13, 2017 4:27 amIf my next breath
and my last
Somehow crossed your lips
If my next heartbeat
and my last
In perfect sync with yours
[Chorus]
Every moment before
turns to dust
While the world ahead
opens wide
with you
Laughing crying hearts
Would find their Peace
Melting in the arms of each
Nothing is here without love.
https://soundcloud.com/brain-beach
https://www.instagram.com/brain_beach
https://soundcloud.com/brain-beach
https://www.instagram.com/brain_beach
Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise
Someone who knows who Nick Cave, awesome hehe.
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions.
Now I just have to find some way to take a sledge hammer to the timing
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions.
Now I just have to find some way to take a sledge hammer to the timing
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave
- soular
- Brain Beach
- Posts: 903
- Joined: Sat Jan 12, 2002 12:01 am
- Tag line: Love and only love
- Location: Tokyo
- Contact:
Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise
Good luck!
Nothing is here without love.
https://soundcloud.com/brain-beach
https://www.instagram.com/brain_beach
https://soundcloud.com/brain-beach
https://www.instagram.com/brain_beach
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
- Posts: 8419
- Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: Do no harm
- Location: Novato, CA
- Contact:
Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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