Scribbling their ideas about
Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work
Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere
The great achievements of our time
All began with scribbled lines
Scribbled Lines
Moderator: bags123
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Jadynara
- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
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Scribbled Lines
Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about
Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work
Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere
The great achievements of our time
All began with scribbled lines
Scribbling their ideas about
Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work
Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere
The great achievements of our time
All began with scribbled lines
Re: Scribbled Lines
Indeed they have. Good poetic thought expressed here. Meter needs alittle polishing. B
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
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Jimi
- Clearwater Poet
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- Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2001 12:01 am
- Location: Manchester England
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Re: Scribbled Lines
I quite enjoyed this one. A simple, unfussy muse on something close to you.
The only two parts which don't work for me are
Which brings me neatly to my second point.
Kind regards
Jimi
The only two parts which don't work for me are
This sounds very clumsy to read. I can understand why you have chosen to use "unworth", but I think you've sacrificed some grammatical clarity, in order to suit your meter and rhyme.Crossing out ideas unworth
Which brings me neatly to my second point.
Your meter is a little awkward. In order for a reader to make this work "The great" has to treated as one syllable, almost losing the "The". It's only a small thing, but has the potential to trip up the reader at the last hurdle.The great achievements of our time
Kind regards
Jimi
Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
(Leonard Cohen)
(Leonard Cohen)
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Jadynara
- Melpomenes Heiress
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Re: Scribbled Lines
I tried to warn you most of my writing sounds funny to me written in meter.... I am not even sure how i would change it and keep the message.... I will have to do some attempts at reworking and see if i can make it flow a little more smoothly. Thanks for the input guys!
Jady
Jady
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Jadynara
- Melpomenes Heiress
- Posts: 552
- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
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Re: Scribbled Lines
What do you think of this?
Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about
Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work
Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere
Each achievement of our time
Polished clean with scribbled lines
Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about
Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work
Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere
Each achievement of our time
Polished clean with scribbled lines
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