Inspirational Poet
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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Inspirational Poet
Tonight we sat tethered
Hearing things we have weathered
In depths that i rarely would share
Examined our thoughts
Faced hell we had wrought
Oblivios to feeling the chair
Forgotten the clock
Directly we talk
Reminiscent of times i could dream
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories love to build
So we're free.
Hearing things we have weathered
In depths that i rarely would share
Examined our thoughts
Faced hell we had wrought
Oblivios to feeling the chair
Forgotten the clock
Directly we talk
Reminiscent of times i could dream
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories love to build
So we're free.
- Laverne Pacquire
- Seafoam Poet
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Re: Inspirational Poet
The form is good and original.
Your rhyme isn't very smooth. I would suggest this:
how about examined our thoughts
and faced hell in a place we forgot.
Oblivious to feeling the chair -
Forgotten the clock not there -
directly, we talk
reminisicent of the times dreams lost
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories we love to build
We're free still
I think this makes your rhyme more consistent. The read is more relaxing.
Take care.
LP
Your rhyme isn't very smooth. I would suggest this:
how about examined our thoughts
and faced hell in a place we forgot.
Oblivious to feeling the chair -
Forgotten the clock not there -
directly, we talk
reminisicent of the times dreams lost
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories we love to build
We're free still
I think this makes your rhyme more consistent. The read is more relaxing.
Take care.
LP
Jadynara wrote:Tonight we sat tethered
Hearing things we have weathered
In depths that i rarely would share
Examined our thoughts
Faced hell we had wrought
Oblivios to feeling the chair
Forgotten the clock
Directly we talk
Reminiscent of times i could dream
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories love to build
So we're free.
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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- Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
- Location: My Ocean of Dreams
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Re: Inspirational Poet
I appreciate your suggestion, however doing that messes up the words spelled out by the first letter of each line.
- heinzs
- The Fat Cat
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Re: Inspirational Poet
I like your wonderful acrostic tribute to my dear friend, Terry!
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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Re: Inspirational Poet
I like it too! Thanks Heinsz. Terry very much deserves the title of this poem. Glad he was here when I found the pages.
Re: Inspirational Poet
-----------------------------
My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?
---Todd Agnew
Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword
---Gordy
- thief of dreams
- surrounded by shadows
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Re: Inspirational Poet
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Friedrich Nietzsche
Re: Inspirational Poet
A lovely tribute Jady. Terry seems like a great guy.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart
Poet of the Month
March 2011
- Jimi
- Clearwater Poet
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Re: Inspirational Poet
I don't see a huge problem with your rhyming. I think the problem on the face of it appears to be due to the line breaks. However, once the reader has realised that the stanzas aren't strictly separated that the last rhyme is split over two lines and employs the use of assonance, it reads OK.
Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
(Leonard Cohen)
(Leonard Cohen)
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- Melpomenes Heiress
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Re: Inspirational Poet
Thanks for the comments and thoughts everybody!
Jady
Jady
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