Boy Soldiers

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
bk_writer
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:59 pm

Boy Soldiers

Post by bk_writer » Sat Nov 01, 2008 4:12 pm

There they stood, with a confident gait.
The uniforms crisp and clean, the swastika gleaming.
Standing at attention, they face their king.

These are not men, but merely boys.
Boys that were groomed at their birth,
to become perfect little soldiers.
Taught to be cruel and treat everyone differently.
The lessons of anti-Semitism drilled into their brains.

These boys were brainwashed to perform cruel acts.
They were ordered to kill innocent people,
and push children into gas chambers.
Taught to show no sympathy, to always kill.

The childhood dream was gone.
They never had a choice to be kids.
Instead they became human killing machines.

I got the idea for this poem when I thought about the young Nazi soldiers. Soldiers who had been taught since birth the lesson of Anti-Semitism? How much blame can we put on them when they were brainwashed? Just a thought.

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8402
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by heinzs » Sat Nov 01, 2008 8:12 pm

It's a good idea, though not historically correct. Nazi soldiers were not groomed or brainwashed from birth. They were formed much later in their development... most as teenagers, many already in their 20s. It is a sad note on humanity how evil can so manipulate an entire generation.

:thumbsup:
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

User avatar
Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 144
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by Mightfall » Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:31 pm

heinzs wrote:It's a good idea, though not historically correct. Nazi soldiers were not groomed or brainwashed from birth. They were formed much later in their development... most as teenagers, many already in their 20s. It is a sad note on humanity how evil can so manipulate an entire generation.

:thumbsup:


Though quite apt for some other anti-semetic groups...
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

User avatar
nacona
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:11 am
Location: Orlando Fl/Charlotte NC

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by nacona » Sat Nov 08, 2008 7:59 am

bk_writer ,

One thing that stood out to me right away is that in the first line you say there they stand, and then you describe their gait, but standing and gait contradict one another. Gait is a sort of walk, so that would be something I would look at. Also, although the idealisms and views of the Nazi party was taught to children from an early age, my grandmother on my mom’s side moved to the USA after WWII and I have heard stories of the Nazi youth groups that were formed in schools and the Nazi ideology that they taught to children. So, not from birth, but young! To get a good idea of what it was like back then you can go visit the Website for the United States Holocaust Museum where Stephen Spielberg has let them post a wealth of videos from this era in Germany that I find very helpful when I write on this topic, I will provide a link below. Thanks for sharing and good luck on any revisions!

Cheers!

Shawn Nacona

http://www.ushmm.org/
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

Image

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8402
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by heinzs » Sat Nov 08, 2008 11:59 am

Thanks for the link, Shawn.

:cool:
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

User avatar
nacona
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:11 am
Location: Orlando Fl/Charlotte NC

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by nacona » Sun Nov 09, 2008 1:32 pm

heinzs,

You are very welcome! I sent in two poems to a contest that was for poems on the Jewish experience, if the contest is over in Dec and the winners will be announced in Jan. After the contest I will post them here for everyone to read. I love that site though, it is such a helpful writing tool and although some of the videos are almost unbearable to watch, I think that this is the closest that we can come today to being witness to what it was like in Germany then. Glad to see you again, I hope all has been well! You take care!

Cheers!

Shawn Nacona
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

Image

snorple
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 157
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2006 4:30 am

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by snorple » Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:35 am

There they stood, with a confident gait.
The uniforms crisp and clean, the swastika gleaming.
Standing at attention, they face their king.

These are not men, but merely boys.

Boys that were groomed at their birth,
to become perfect little soldiers.
Taught to be cruel and treat everyone differently.
The lessons of anti-Semitism drilled into their brains.

These boys were brainwashed to perform cruel acts.
They were ordered to kill innocent people,
and push children into gas chambers.
Taught to show no sympathy, to always kill.

The childhood dream was gone.
They never had a choice to be kids.
Instead they became human killing machines.


These stood as mere boys
but marched as super men
The product of a caste
The world to conquor then

It wasn't much of a poem was it? I think you could do beter if you put some artistic effort into it. The content was a good basis for a poem though. Try shortening the lines, miss out on superfulous wors to give impact and drama, thry and get some flow into it.

bk_writer
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:59 pm

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by bk_writer » Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:26 pm

Thanx for the tip. I know it needs to be more developed. I was just going to have the main idea of it analyzed. But I definitely like the suggestion.

User avatar
Jimi
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2001 12:01 am
Location: Manchester England
Contact:

Re: Boy Soldiers

Post by Jimi » Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:53 pm

I'd be inclined to agree with the above posts. I was sucked in by the subject matter and I think it could be the basis for something good. The thing that stands out though (and I've seen this alot from people) is its not a poem as such. Although poems don't have to rhyme, or even adhere to strict rules of metre, nor are they simply prose split up in to short lines.

There they stood, with a confident gait. The uniforms crisp and clean, the swastika gleaming. Standing at attention, they face their king. These are not men, but merely boys, boys that were groomed at their birth to become perfect little soldiers. Taught to be cruel and treat everyone differently. The lessons of anti-Semitism drilled into their brains.

These boys were brainwashed to perform cruel acts, they were ordered to kill innocent people and push children into gas chambers. Taught to show no sympathy, to always kill. The childhood dream was gone, they never had a choice to be kids. Instead they became human killing machines.


Put like this, it's reads more like an essay. As "writers of poetry" I believe that we have to be conscious of what makes a poem a poem.

Kind regards

James
Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
(Leonard Cohen)

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests