Movement

Post by **MJPease** » Fri May 06, 2005 6:47 pm

Movement

Thought I might move to France
and settle into a romantic trance
I'd brush up on my fifty words
hide away from insipidity, the absurd

Maybe just a bit north, 49th parallel
Algonquin, place my heart still lays
the earth, son, moon and the stars
I'd listen to the timberwolves play

Adagio for strings another movement
movement of the strings, not to see
slow in it's rise the crescendo swells
brings tears, makes my heart bleed.

MJPease 5/06/2005

The Earth The Son and The Moon

I wrote this directly to the General Forum I thought I'd bring it over here for some work. Thanks

Post by **negatvone** » Sat May 07, 2005 2:31 am

Sounded fine to me my friend.

shawn2005 · Post by **shawn2005** » Sat May 07, 2005 5:05 pm

i agree..it's really really great.

Post by **MJPease** » Sat May 07, 2005 5:12 pm

Thank You Gentlemen!

Post by **bags123** » Sat May 07, 2005 6:11 pm

Well done Michael,.... You make France sound nice.

She WHAT?! · Post by **She WHAT?!** » Sun May 08, 2005 8:57 am

Hey, this is really interesting. The narrator dreams of moving, of changing. The emphasis is on the dream part. He starts with a big idea (moving to France), then lowers his sights a bit to a place not so far away, then finally is moved by what he is experiencing right where he is. It's a meaningful progression.

Be careful, though, to avoid abstractions in each stanza. You have some good specifics, like the fifty words, the timberwolves, the strings, and the tears. But you also have generalities that seem weak compared to those specifics:

hide away from insipidity, the absurd

the earth, son, moon and the stars

makes my heart bleed.

These lines don't really mean anything. What I mean is, the reader can't picture them, or apply them to this specific situation. Think of a way to represent each one with a specific image or metaphor, or maybe just cut those lines out.

Good luck with this.

Eliana

Post by **negatvone** » Sun May 08, 2005 9:49 am

She WHAT?! wrote::

hide away from insipidity, the absurd

the earth, son, moon and the stars

makes my heart bleed.

These lines don't really mean anything. What I mean is, the reader can't picture them, or apply them to this specific situation.

I beg to differ. The whole piece with these lines lets the reader pull a thought out. You have to look at the lines around and the context within. You may want to try rereading them and soaking the surrounding context in.

She WHAT?! · Post by **She WHAT?!** » Sun May 08, 2005 10:36 am

There is no context for the insipidity and absurd in this poem. We don't know the story of why his heart is bleeding. The narrator just says these things and we have to take his word for it. That weakens a poem, and I believe this poem deserves to be strong.

Post by **negatvone** » Sun May 08, 2005 10:42 am

The poem is strong in every context. You just have to soak in the imagry and let your mind run with it. I am not flaming you in any way. I think you just need to open your mind up a bit more. Let it flow through your mind while it is blank. Accept the wording and let it take hold of imagination. Taste the intent and emotion.

She WHAT?! · Post by **She WHAT?!** » Sun May 08, 2005 10:56 am

Let's put it to the test: Let's say I don't believe that there is absurdity and insipidity in the world. How would this poem help me see that there is?

What if I frowned instead and said, "What is this narrator's problem? Why does he want to move away to these places? What is the absurdity and insipidity that is bothering him?"

If a reader is give the chance to think these things, then the poem is not as strong as it could be. You might not doubt that there is absurity and insipidity in the world, but the poem should not take them as assumptions. Assumptions weaken poems. Poems are about specifics. Specifics are real. They lead to ideas. They are better than just stating the idea.

Post by **negatvone** » Sun May 08, 2005 11:09 am

She WHAT?! wrote:Let's put it to the test: Let's say I don't believe that there is absurdity and insipidity in the world. How would this poem help me see that there is?

What if I frowned instead and said, "What is this narrator's problem? Why does he want to move away to these places? What is the absurdity and insipidity that is bothering him?"

If a reader is give the chance to think these things, then the poem is not as strong as it could be. You might not doubt that there is absurity and insipidity in the world, but the poem should not take them as assumptions. Assumptions weaken poems. Poems are about specifics. Specifics are real. They lead to ideas. They are better than just stating the idea.

Are you flamiing me in an indescrete mannor? The whole idea of poetry is to express one's self! If you believe that there is no absurdity or stupiditys in this world you have been sheltered. I envy you in both of those aspects. Wanna adopt me? I'll come live under your roof and pay more than my share of bills.

I'll try to be open minded and review your response in more depth.
Give me a few hours to let it fully process.

She WHAT?! · Post by **She WHAT?!** » Sun May 08, 2005 11:55 am

"The whole idea of poetry is to express one's self!"

No. The whole idea of poetry is to get the reader to feel something. Writing is for the reader.

And you have now used the word "flame" several times. Don't worry about this kind of discussion. I'm not flaming you and you're not flaming me. We're talking about real stuff having to do with poetry, not making personal rants. "Flame" is not another word for "disagree."

Eliana

Post by **negatvone** » Sun May 08, 2005 12:48 pm

She WHAT?! wrote:"The whole idea of poetry is to express one's self!"

No. The whole idea of poetry is to get the reader to feel something. Writing is for the reader.

I beg to differ even more deeply than before. If Poe had thought about the reader other than getting his boggled madness out; would there be a poem called "The Raven" If the Illiad or the Odessy were Meant for the reader would Homer have ever constructed these masterpieces?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is but skin deep. Skin is rather shallow in all aspects.

She WHAT?! · Post by **She WHAT?!** » Sun May 08, 2005 1:08 pm

Poe wrote an essay on how and why he wrote The Raven. He made it clear that it was a calculated process, cold and mathematical. He wrote it for money, not to get madness out of his system.

As for the Illiad and Odyssey, they were oral traditions long before Homer preserved them in writing. They were performance pieces, intended for audiences, not for the performer's self-expression.

It is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That is why poetry should not focus on beauty, but on things. I want to experience a poem, not stand back and judge whether it is beautiful.

Post by **negatvone** » Sun May 08, 2005 1:22 pm

I just hope you learn to express yourself one day. You have let the concept loose your grasp and I hope you truely hope you realize the writer has an intention for all the ambiguities. I truely hope your mind opens up.

If not, May all your poems be read.

Open your mind!

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