moonflower's favorites...October 04-March 06

Moderator's monthly picks from the "Funny Business" forum

Moderator: moonflower

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moonflower's favorites...October 04-March 06

Post by moonflower » Mon Sep 27, 2004 6:15 am

<a name="#top">Table of Contents</a>

<a href="#001">October, 2004</a>
<a href="#002">November, 2004</a>
<a href="#003">December, 2004</a>
<a href="#004">January, 2005</a>
<a href="#005">February, 2005</a>
<a href="#006">March, 2005</a>
<a href="#007">April, 2005</a>
<a href="#008">May, 2005</a>
<a href="#009">June, 2005</a>
<a href="#010">July, 2005</a>
<a href="#011">August, 2005</a>
<a href="#012">September, 2005</a>
<a href="#013">October, 2005</a>
<a href="#014">November, 2005</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... ">December, 2005</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... 6">January, 2006</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... ">February, 2006</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... 018">March, 2006</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... 019">April, 2006</a>
<a href="http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/viewt ... 5#020">May, 2006</a>

i would like to begin a 'moderators recommendations' thread here in this forum..where we could choose a few pieces each month that we feel are outstanding and worthy of a little 'extra' recognition and recommendation.. :lol:

please understand that it doesnt mean that we think the ones we choose are 'better' than the rest..it just means that we feel like the ones we pick deserve a little extra 'oomph!' :mrgreen: ..(hey maybe we could call it the "oomph award!") :mrgreen:... everything i read in here is usually soooo hilariously funny that it will be VERY hard to pick only a few..

ven let me know if this is agreeable to you..and if you have any ideas or suggestions?...i value your input!.. :lol: :lol:
Last edited by moonflower on Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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moonflowers favorites..October

Post by moonflower » Sun Oct 31, 2004 10:19 pm

<a name="#001">
October, 2004</a>

well once again it was really hard choosing only a few from the 24 pieces that were posted for the month of October!..thanks to all who posted and every single one of these 24 posts are winners!..the following are the 3 that i chose to highlight..

Before You Make A Wish....written by Poetry Queen

Think
there was an old lady who live
all alone with just her furry cat
she met this genii who wore
black slacks and a red top hat
he gave her only three wishes
and that was only that

her first wish was
a beautiful big brown house
without one single tiny mouse

a beautiful young woman she
wanted to be
was just her second wish

“now make my cat a handsome young man for me
and that will be my final wish three"

stars fill the room
and in the air magic does lingers
as the genii plucked his large fingers

she looked in her mirror a beautiful young
woman she did see
and a handsome young
man was her cat
she looked at the young man and said
“I want you to make
passionate love to me”
the young man said in return
“you had me FIXED why
didn’t you think of that”

******************************

Flower in hat .....written by despicability

Cat chase mouse
And dog chase cat.
Hat wear flower
And man wear hat.
Spider eat fly
And bat eat spider -
Start off low,
Get a little higher...
Sky from sea
And sea from sky
Learn to run
Then start to fly
Keep in order
Stay the same.
Cat chase mouse
And sea make rain.
Rain make sea
And mouse chase cat...
All controlled by the man
With the flower in his hat.

*******************

My Kid....written by fancilady1967

I was a party hearty girl
fun loving and wild
and then I discovered
I was pregnant with child

Now life for me has changed
with this little boy
No more money for beer
Its all spent on the now coolest toy

My house is never ever clean
My feet are always sore
From stepping on a Hot Wheel
that is always on the floor

My cute little girly red sports car
that flew like the wind
traded for a Mommy car whose carpet
has sticky crumbs forever ground in

Collectibles are long long gone
They were killed by a flying ball
They've all been replaced
with his artwork scribbled on the wall

There's no time ever left for me
Party time's over at last
But cleaning up after this kid
is always such a blast

At the end of each day
Already frazzled and worn
He says "I love you Mom"
I cherish the day he was born

******************
thanks again to all of you who posted in here during October :lol: ..come on back and post even more for November!

*************************
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moonflowers favorites..November

Post by moonflower » Wed Dec 01, 2004 9:21 pm

<a name="#002">
November, 2004</a>

there were 36 pieces posted in 'Humor' in November :lol: :lol: ..all of them very humorous and very fun to read! :lol: and all are worthy of being highlighted..thanks to everyone who came in here and posted!.. it was sooo hard to choose which ones to highlight but these are the ones i picked..

THE ANNIVERSARY..by DJaries

Oh my how ever could you
Forget our Anniversary?
The day I said I do to you
And you the same to me.
Way back when our love was blind
When we were newlywed.
Before we settled to routine
You know the one in bed.
A time when we were not in debt
Unlike now we owe and owe
When you would kiss me three more times
Then off to work you’d go.
Our life just two
Before the pitter patter of little feet
In the bedroom make all the noise want
Before our lovemaking became discreet.
Now here we are in years gone by
Did you notice how quick time did fly?
Eight children later
And a total of their twenty-two
You forgot about us
Oh how could you?
But I forgive you, your loss of memory
It seems to go hand in hand
With senility.
So without so much as a card in hand
I am still proud
That you are my man.

**************

Elizabeth Barrett Brownose..by bags123

It would seem that I must flatter
witless poems in formless matter
Regardless of their merit,
or their poetry's pretense

Ramble tamble penned on pages
Whining dirges from teen ages
I'll mimic words like parrots
complimenting their offense

"Really great, "I love that stanza!"
"Marvelous! What a bonanza!"
"This one really moved me! Outstanding work!"
"Very well done!"

"Such a talented enigma!"
"Your work personifies a stigma!"
"Typified by frequent quirks,
which read like sticky buns!"

Yes, I'm often called a "Brownose"
A hint of lies in words I chose,
but then I find I can't impose
Real comments even when it blows.

***************

Things My Kid Says..by fancilady1967

He's six years old but sometimes
speaks like an adult. Either way
its always cute.

When his nose is stuffy its
"I can't get my smell back"

When his parents (us) argued about the election
he takes his Mom's side (smart kid) and tells his Dad
"You smelt him, you dealt him"

When he gets mad at his 18 year old brother its
"You fart like a girl!"

When he bumps his head its
"Don't worry, I have a steel brain!"

He's also a little poet with
"I don't know but I've been told, I think Daddy's getting old!"

When he loses a tooth its,
"The tooth fairy will take it to her tooth factory"

When we visit my parents
Instead of Grandpa, he calls my Dad "Belly".

When I mention being human its
"You're not a girl, you're my Mom!!"

When my husband and I show affection its
"Oooooh Disgusting!!!!"

When he's in trouble its
"I'm going to live somewhere else where kids don't get in trouble."

When my husband and I argue he says to his Dad
"Mom's the boss so quit arguing with her!"

When I have no money he says
"But you can write a check!"

When I need to go to the ATM he says
"Are we going to the Money Store?"

My CD wallet is my
"CD Purse"

When I was putting on makeup he asked
"Do you wear that so people will think you're pretty?"

When I said yes he said
"Well that's dumb!" (He's right huh?)

When I'm cranky he says
"You need to go back to bed and get up again!"

My personal favorites are:
"I love you more than my toys."
"You're the best Mom in the whole entire universe."
"I'm glad you had a son."
"Don't kiss me in front of people!"

and of course with little boys

"But I don't NEED a bath!"

*****************

GROWING UP..by Untamed Thunder

It starts with rattles
Then it's tattles
Little red wagons
Dungeons and Dragons
Mowing the Lawn
Out until dawn
Wild keg parties
Late, late tardies
A special first date
I guess it's too late
Being cool
Skipping school
Racing Cars
Hoping bars
Making money
"I'm home, honey"
Much time lost
At all cost
What happened to toys?
"I know, it was boys!!

***************

I Like BOOKS!..by SamIAm

If you ask me what is my favorite thing,
Is it presents with ribbons all tied up in string?
I'll tell you quite plainly like I've told all the rest.
The best thing on earth is a set of nice books!

It sounds pretty childish, but you have to admit
There's nothing as sacred as turning a page!
You can eat cherry ice cream or tasty French Ripple,
It can never compare to reading a novel!

They come in all sizes, some big and some small.
Some novels are flat, and some, really tall!
Some look kind of boring, like tube socks with sand.
Some look non-exsistent like flat, prarie land!

They're something to read when she's up on top,
Like a crib's mobile toy, your eyes just can't stop!
With your head in between them they press to your ears,
They inform you more than twenty-five episodes of Cheers.

I like books! There, I said it, now I'm done!
And I'm glad that each library has more than just one!
They're my favorite thing, and now you know why.
I love seeing books!
(mostly written by guys!)

******************
well thanks again to everybody who posted in November :lol: ..and also to all who came and read..Decembers already here so come on back and post and read even more! :lol: :lol:

***************************
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***************************
Last edited by moonflower on Mon Mar 07, 2005 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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moonflowers highlights for December..

Post by moonflower » Sat Jan 01, 2005 8:56 am

<a name="#003">
December, 2004</a>

wow well its that time again! :lol: ya'll posted 40 pieces in this forum for December!..thats so great!! :lol: ..and once again its soooo hard to pick only a few to highlight!..ALL the pieces are wonderful and i want to thank everyone who came in here and posted..also thanks to all those who stopped in to read and to those who posted replys..without the readers and the posts and replys there would be no forums!..well here are the ones that are highlighted for December..i wish i could highlight them all! :lol:
*****

Tit-for-Tat....written by Rain

Tit-for-tat,
you little rat.
Eat my cheese,
I cook you in grease,
for a yummy snack.

*****
GRAB YOUR WINGS....written by DJaries

Go quietly and stealthy
Take flight into the night.
Grab your wings and take a fling
Until dawn’s early light!
Push yourself up through the air
Leave behind all care and worry
Take your time the night is young
No need in which to hurry.
Soar along the Milky Way
Hang loose inside a Dipper
Go across the Southern Cross
Swoop down like a big zipper.
Jut about the universe
Take a spin on Saturn’s ring
Toss inhibitions everywhere
Do not hold back anything!
Take your flight up to the moon
Might fly past an astronaut.
If a meteorite is hurled your way
Give it all the gas you got!
Beware, I mean really take care
You don’t fly into a big black hole
It will suck you in you won’t be seen again
That thing will swallow you up whole!
Stay away from the sun
But go all out and have fun
Just be back before the morning breaks
So that no one will see
Is an Angel you be
HELL NO for goodness sakes!
As you head into home
Fly over Paris or over Rome
Above the highest mountains
Anyone can see
And when you land, come back in
Hide your wings once again
Jump up and down and say WOW WHEE!!!

*****
Sonnet to the Prostate
or
The Virtues of Plumbing....written by Heinzs


Oh ye callow youth, enjoy
the steady stream from inner spring -
this simple pleasure of a boy
does speed you on your merry fling.

In time the pipes, as all things must,
will block this flowing rivulet
with stones and scars, organic rust
that stems the tide of one's toilet.

but worry not - the scalpel blade
will find the spot and ream it out -
a cystoscopic fusillade,
although with temporary clout.

For when the rime of age sets in
demise of plumbing will begin.

*****
LAZY BOY....written by Richard Taylor

If dreams where made two thirds life's span
and one fragment the rest its due.
I would not care or give a damn
just sleep the whole day through.

And if by chance this spell were set
and night became my day.
I would not grieve nor would I fret,
I'd just dream my life away.

*****
Pardon?....written by IfOnly..IfOnly..

White
White and wet
white and wet and sticky

It shoots out of it's container
only to be slurped into someone's mouth

some swallow others'
others' swallow their own

MMM MMM MMM
MILK

*****
hey thanks again so much to all who took the time to stop in and share their talents and comments with the rest of us!..as a moderator in this forum, i feel truly blessed that i get to read every single post!..i thank all of you and i hope everyone will come on back and post even more for January! :lol: :lol: ..Happy New Year everybody! :lol:

*******************************
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moonflowers highlights for January

Post by moonflower » Tue Feb 01, 2005 6:26 am

<a name="#004">
January, 2005</a>

its time for highlights again :lol: (kinda snuck up on me this time..lol) there were 28 postings in this forum for the month of January..(thats soooo great! :lol: :lol: )..all of them are wonderful and worthy of being in the spotlight..i wish i could highlight them all!..a BIG thank-you to everyone who took the time to post and read in here..ya'll make me so proud and happy to be a moderator of this forum..everyones talent is just sooo awesome! :lol: ..well here are the ones highlighted for January..

******
the real side of a fairy tale.....written by debab

The princess was tired
the tower's height made her sick
her scalp hurt like hell,
in a fury, she yelled at the prince
why don't you get a ladder?

******
Isn't It Funny?.....written by Silkie

Let me help you glue your wings
They must of fell off, it’s the damndest thing
First you fly and then you lie
Isn't it funny...ooops don't cry

Isn't it funny how the preacher’s chins bounce?
Spouting the message of the sin they denounce
The sin politicians just seem to embrace
Oh crap those damn wings just won't stay in place

Isn't it funny how knuckles do swell
Turn pretty colors, damn rulers from hell
They all have bad habbits yet rule us with joy
Those hyprocitical switches they seem to enjoy

Isn't it funny, the average man is complacent
when he does his best to achieve the highest score
but the champion does above and beyond his best
and then he somehow manages to do a little more.

Isn't it funny how all the strife in life
must be the will of the great one above
but all the great things the happen
are noted and summed up by pure luck

Isnt' it funny as a child we laugh with innocence
at the simplest things that fascinate us
and then one day we grow older and wiser
and simple things become complex and we cease to laugh

Isn't it funny how the ones that cry the loudest
are the ones that depend on everyone else
and no one seems to notice except
the hard working soul that never cries

Isn't it funny how it's acceptable as a child
to skip down the sidewalk humming a tune
but when you grow up and reach maturity
skipping down the street will get you arrested

Isn't it funny how they tell us to just say no
and a life of drugs is sure to bring us down
but when they're caught in the line of fire
they claim they didn't inhale

Isn't it funny how just when the kitchen
needs to be cleaned after dinner
every living soul in the house
suddenly needs to use the bathroom

Isn't it funny when company is coming
you spend hours and hours cleaning the house
and when they finally arrive at the door
you apologize for what a mess everything is

Isn't it funny how you can buy $1 shampoo
and your teenage daughter who just spent
every penny to her name on expensive shampoo
will still use up all the rest of yours

Isn't it funny how poems seem to end
Just as your laughter and interest peaks then
I sure would continue but now I'm afraid
Cookies and milk are calling my name.

******

POINTS OF INTEREST.....written by Richard Taylor

The weather pattern has gone to pot?
The English Nation are far to hot.
Never ones to complain and worry
through combustion haze we sneeze and scurry.
Every day much the same
"what season is this?
What’s its name"
Childhood memories that first fall of white,
late night dancing through mountains of light.
"I want my snow back so I know were I am"
and what about spring?
Where’s the plan.
It doesn't look good, it doesn't make sense
Nuclear power, but at what expense?

******
Ratty Looking.....written by bags123

You've got to confront
the problems in life
like a bulldozer,
or a good facsimile thereof
Plow right up through
the f---ing middle
I say!
Leave no room for regret
Never admit mistakes
Eye on the target
Means justifies the end

Or is it vice versa?
No matter!
It could be argued
either way I suppose
The point is;
You've got to be wearing
the full armour of God,
so to speak
In order to counter all
the bad sh-t
that's thrown at you
in the course of a lifetime

And even that gets
ratty looking
after awhile.

******

Like Candy.....written by Rain

You're so caring.
You tell me everything.
Keep no secrets.
You touch me with love.
Hold me with care,
almost like I could break.
Your lips are soft and warm,
and so passionate.
Your kisses are so sweet.
They taste just like candy...
...It's to bad I don't like candy.

******

Brown Paper Pete.....written by Heinzs

Brown Paper Pete, Brown Paper Pete…
They're going to hang him, Brown Paper Pete!
But who is this man, this Brown Paper Pete?

He wears a brown paper hat and brown paper pants,
Brown paper shirt and brown paper coat…
Brown paper socks and brown paper boots.

But… why are they hanging Brown Paper Pete?
What has he done to deserve such a fate?
The bartender said but one word… "Rustling!"

******
You Bother me.....written by DJarius

You are an adherent
Like a leech upon the skin.
Quit hanging on to me
My nerves are wearing thin.
Why don’t you get back a bit
You are right up in my face.
You are right on top of me
Would you give me some space?
The way that you cling onto me
Like holding onto your dear life.
I’d cut the cord feels tied to us
If only I had a knife.
You act as though I’ll get away
If you don’t stay put on me.
Please can’t you leave me alone?
Can I have some privacy?
My god don’t you have something else to do
Somewhere else to go?
You are a pain in the ass
How you annoy me so.

SPLAT!

Goodbye little fly.

*******

well once again i thank all of you for reading and posting in this form..ya'll are great and without all of your talents and comments there would be no forum!..hey i hope everyone keeps coming back with even more postings for February! :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:

*****************************
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*****************************
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moonflowers highlights for February

Post by moonflower » Tue Mar 01, 2005 1:12 am

<a name="#005">
February, 2005</a>

well once again im just..dazzled!! by the amazing amount of talent and humor thats been posted in this forum!..all of the postings are absolutely wonderful and worthy of being highlighted..there were 44 postings for the month of February!!..thats so awesome!! :lol: as always its very hard to pick just a few from among so many great pieces..many, many thanks to all of you who posted and made us respond with smiles and laughter..and more posts! :mrgreen: ..i am so lucky to get to read every single one!..well it was difficult to choose just a handful, but here are the highlights for February.. :lol: :lol:

**************

Secret Sex.....written by Leysa

We hide from suspicious eyes
to hold hands and kiss in the dark --

Make out sessions stay secret
if we sneak out in the car to park --

The folks at home stare angrily
as we gaze into each other’s eyes --

We keep our rendezvous clandestine
so they will be none the wise.

This “under cover” work takes effort
and I often times feel rather bad

But our kids just don’t understand
about sex between mom and dad!

******

MaMa Mia.....written by Nancy

It's no fun'a
have'n a bambino...
and the skin'a is'a
so stretched, and
it'a itch, look like'a
map of Sicily, and,
at the end what do
you got? One'a foot
big? Feet'a grow like
a bambino...
Mama Mia...

Men'a you know'a
they act'a strange
before we give'a our
bambino...
Its a moon and a
garlie'k around'a neck
that'a keep the devil
from the bambino....
Mama Mia...

Last'a night Giovani
he slept on the sofa
and a today, he can't'a
keep his hands from mia,
first mia back, then'a
mia feet'a, touch'in
mia ear...
Mama Mia

I said he'a no watch
when a baby suck'a
mia breast, it's mia
breast, mia... not'a
his... Then'a next day
come the rag. Big'a
rag, big'a big'a rag...
Mama Mia...

This morning I was'a
slippin from'a sheets
and I was thinkin that
those sheets, never
getta clean again...

Gotta scared - when'a
water fell out of me -
roll'a down mia leg,
uncooked...
all of the sweat goin
in'a mia mouth like the
water...
Mama Mia

In'a the old country,
mia Mama make'a
drink in the old
country to take'a pain
away...
Mia leg's spread and
feel'a pain in my back,
I make'a the sign of
the cross...
Mama Mia..

And now PaPa he's a
sittin on a the porch
rockin in a mias chair,
He'a told me his
hands wet and he'a
told me I'a scream
and his heart was'a
stabbed - with a knife.
Mama Mia....

Around'a then'a is
when'a I pop like a
meat man. Flippin
and flappin steak,
little blood and pale
pale skin...
by'a now Papa on a
porch look'a lot'a
like the bambino
MaMa mia...

******

Hung Over.....written by Heinzs

This limited realm
is all I deserve -
wasted, puking scum -
reality bites!
On my knees,
worshipping the porcelain god,
longing to be dead,
yet knowing I'll do it all again
next weekend.

******

The Hirsute Blues.....written by Gordy

Screwed by a genetic hex
Shunned by the opposite sex
It's not our fault it's there
We didn't ask for back hair

Embarrassed when puberty is reached
No more visits to the beach
Rudely compared to a bear
We didn't ask for back hair

It haunts you to the grave
Out of reach, can't be shaved
Can't go topless cause it's there
We didn't ask for back hair

All those jokes just aint funny
Keep on your shirt, even though it's sunny
On the chest just doesn't compare
We didn't ask for backhair

Getting older, going bald on top
But it's still back there, it doesn't stop
Why is it gone up here, but not back there
We didn't ask for back hair

Aw man, ear hair now, this sucks

******

Smoochin' at the Movies.....written by Leysa

I plan to do some smoochin’
at the movies Saturday night,
sitting with my honey,
on the back row, out of site.
We’ll watch a bit of the feature,
munch some popcorn, too,
my lips need tending to!

We’ll snuggle like the old days,
his arm around me tight;
should the mood hit us right.
But mostly we’ll be kissing
sitting all around us,
shushing when we’re loud.

I'm hoping we'll leave early,
that the kissing will make us swoon,
and we’ll be sneaking back home,
under the night’s full moon.
We’ll carry on like we couldn’t
and I was his sweetheart,
and he was my beau.

Yes, gonna do some smoochin’
at the movies Saturday night.
And if you see us going at it
on the back row, be polite!
Turn your head away and smile
and I’ll do the same for you;
you never know when you might be
the one getting lucky -- in full view.

******

Who Are You?.....written by Nancy

Help?
Hell no.
Stop - three times
on a hill,
smiled at those passing…
whatever moves.

Maybe -
you can hold the door.
Never mind...
I can do it.
Only glass.

The tray...
you want to carry it?
Fine,
I'm wearing a new dress.

Last night
key stuck in the door.
Everyone had to have stared
but no one helped.
Your name? Who are you,
one more time.

Help?
Hell no.
Maybe
you can hold the door.
Never mind...
I can do it.

Your name...
don't point, I'm blind.
Read it. Tell me.
Say hello when I
pass by,

"What do I do?"

Write without pencils
bark from trees.
Use photographs
stored inside my head.

Who pray tell are you
down the hall?
Come close.
Closer.
Characters.
All characters
for the blind.

******

Master of Slavery.....written by thief of dreams

I watch people
stop for you,
I watch people
move when you tell them
I watch even the cops
obey your every order
I see you rage
When I blow right past you
And you train your eye on me
Hoping to catch my name
But I don’t owe you
Anything
You are not my law
You are not my god
So obey you I wont

Or so I thought.

You tricked me by moving
Or my vision was impaired
But stop me you did
As you crumpled my hood,
And destroyed my radiator,
You bastard signal light,
You tricked me
I wasnt THAT drunk tonight.

******

Dichotomy.....written by Bags123

One half of me is very Dutch
The other half's a Mick
I think that's why I drink to much
and speak in semantics

One half of me negotiates
the other throws a fit
It's hard on my associates
especially the Brits

One half of me's conservative,
where money is concerned
At times I'll spend it liberally,
sometimes, before it's earned

One half is usually in control
One half demands free space
One half enjoys good rock and roll
One half insists on grace

I find when I'm in Amsterdam
my Irish half conspires
with the worst part of my other half
to fuel my base desires

And when I land in Dublin,
the Dutch half finds release,
since I'll send it on vacation
to the sunny isles of Greece.

******

well hey, many thanks again everybody! :lol: for dropping in and reading and posting!..without ya'll's talents and postings there wouldnt be a humor forum!..so come on back and share even more smiles and laughter with us in March! :mrgreen: :lol:

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moonflowers March Highlights..

Post by moonflower » Thu Mar 31, 2005 1:17 pm

<a name="#006">
March, 2005</a>

well here it is time again to highlight the pieces once more :lol: ..as always is the case, there are so many wonderful ones to choose from that its hard to select just a few..normally i wouldnt be posting them this early (i usually do it right after midnight on the last day of the month.. but because of daughters dance competition coming up i may not be here tonight.. or if i am i wont have time to post cuz ill be running around like a crazy woman, trying to gather up everything!..lol)..anyways there were 49 postings in this forum for March!!..thats so wonderful!..many of them were bumps from the back pages, so because of this, some of these highlighted ones may have been highlighted in the past too..and thats wonderful ...cause its great to read them again! :lol: ..i wish to thank everybody for making this such an awesome forum!..its ya'lls talents that make it soooo great! :lol: .. well the choices were hard to make but here are the ones to be highlighted for March..

***************************

Wanna laugh..Laugh at me!......written by Phoenix J Star

This morning hasn't been bad,
no, actually it's been quite well.
My favorite co-worker got her
panties all in a twist over
nothing and two,
count em two drinks did I ever spill.
One after the other, they just
jumped out of my hand only for that
delicious water to spill out over
the spacious carpet land.
The cheery idiot at the McDonald's
drive thru got my order wrong,
then told me she was offended by
my stero's loud, blaring song,
because in it it contained the word f***
and she just didn't seem to find it
amusing, that's just my kind of luck.
So two spills, a lecture from Mickey D's,
and one pissed off co-worker who is ever
so easy to please.
But I'm not in a bad mood today,
Because all I can do is sit back and laugh,
laugh at the mishaps of me,
laugh with a hardy-har-har and a
jolly slap on the back.

........................

Fire and Ice......written by foreverflame

Look at me……gifted power that can scorch the ocean.
You cannot withstand my hand that torches all that’s frozen.
Some will flee me when they see me. Scared of what my heat is eating.
I will take all that they’re needing, for my flames are always greedy.
Power boasting, fire roasting…and I always love to spread.
None can hold me or control me. None can stop me. *hmph*. ‘Nuff said.


No one fears you when I’m near to put your heated pride to halt.
I will calm your churning lips from all that “burning” shit you talk.
Can your flames withstand my coolness when I come around to cool it?
Can you stand against me? Prove it. Heh. That’s what I thought. I knew it.
Don’t you know that coldness leaves one froze in slowness ‘till they’re stuck?
So just turn around or go burn out before I douse you. *hmph* Now what??


You speak of weakness.
Heat will seek you and extinguish what you speak of.
Mighty flames will come and incinerate, and leave nothing in its wake.
What can you do…when the flames of fire rise and come to you?
You’ll do nothing but evaporate, turn to air, and fly away.
So talk your talk and bump your gums ‘cause there will be a time that comes
when fire burns hot like the sun and you’ll do what you do best……run…


I see your mind is seeing blind, for I have many forms to take.
Don’t you know what happens, bro after I evaporate?
Yeah, I know that I will dry, and you will think that I have died,
until my moisture starts to rise, and brings the rain down from the skies.
So go ahead and talk all big. Keep yapping all that “flaming” jive.
But when the next storm comes to hit…heh…where will your flames go to hide?


You’ll feel my burn.
You’ll feel my freeze.
Soon, you will learn.
…From you? Oh please…
I’ll melt you down.
I’ll freeze you up.
I’ll erupt the ground.
I’ll freeze it shut.
Hmmm…one must win…
…and one must fail.
So…who will win…
…only time will tell…

..........................

Hello Kitty......written by debab

Can't eat beef because of mad cow disease
chicken's out, bird viral infection
no fish either, too much mercury
what's left? i 'm hungry!
It is said, an excellent
choice for protein can be
worms and roaches -
hmmm...

Hello Kitty! ( you know the one )

here kitty, kitty...

................................

Leaving the Beach in a Storm...written by Nancy

Cellophane crinkled
gray plastic water
splattered
tiny feet dance point
flat toes slipping
chase, chase

Bra loosened
breathe easy
burn
before rain.
Stressed, two Valium
unhooked, upset...

Giant pellets
pounding plastic
water
pulled tighter
wrapped reflux
dark red circles...

Thunder clashes
distant light
beating
black trees sway
splash, step, splash
cellophane crinkles...

White light
dancing water
smaller
pellets dropping
smoothly on plastic
toes now clapping...

Beauty ends
abruptly
stolen
wind paints
different color
pillows silver gray

plastic bubbles
churn brown
waves
painted form
clearly misty
fog

Unreliable
saran wrapped
mind
stop pounding
heavens spilling gray
indenting clear cut lines

Softer flowing
water fall
glows,
flashing
black candles
on pavement
plastic wrapped
in yellow...

Teeth clench
hands cover
ear drums
wave, wave silently
cellophane sky
slipping on
plastic water.

.....................................

I Sit......written by Berlie

here
I sit
and stare at
the computer
the cursor just blinks
and I swear the mouse winked
yet no words come forth
to grace these keys
and so I
still sit
here

......................

So You Hide Things?......written by Nancy

So, you hide things?
Things?
What things?
M & M's between
books inside
your night stand?

I hear you,
slowly opening
the bag...
I stir on purpose -
you stop -
wait.
I pretend to
snore... then
I hear you
sucking chocolate,
the candy coated
gems...

They make a
knocking sound,
until the bag is
empty - then
you crumble it
into a ball,
shoving it under
all the garbage
in the trash...
you always think
you hide the evidence...

.............................

Look Again!......written by burdick

Hide hideous hermaphrodites!
I incessenatly
Deduce deep decorous
Deeds!
Ecclesiastically Eden edifies
(And)
Nubbins nullify numbers.

........................

Tickle Me......written by Ven

Do me a favor
gimme a tickle,
put your fingertips
under my armpits
and wiggle them.
Poke my ribs
in a playfull fashion,
feather my feet
cos I've not had my ration
of titters and chuckles
I've been a bit glum.
A grumpy old git
with my head up my bum.
Maudling, gloomy
and mirth insuffiecient
Please tickle me silly.
I'm haha deficient.

..........................


A Woman Who Reads......written by Heinzs

Her husband caught his limit
returned and moored the boat
an opportunity she took
upon the lake to gently float
and quietly read her book.

The ranger came alongside
accosted her across the bow
"Fishing without permit", he wrote
she closed her book and asked him how –
"The equipment’s all there in the boat."

She raised her brows and looked at him
"I’ll charge you, then, with savage rape!"
"A foul!" he cried, "I’ve laid no hand
upon you!", looking for escape.
"You’ve all the tools..." she took her stand.

The moral of the story pleads
"Don’t mess with a woman who reads."

..........................


MidLife Crisis......written by romFrankenstein5

I saw a midlife crisis today;
it was laughable, in a sad, pitiful way.

From the vanity plates on
the sleek black Spyder,
To the John Lennon-like shades;
the morning was gray!

From the bling-bling on his fingers
to the flat-toned, booth-bought tan.

I saw a midlife crisis today;
it was laughable; in a sad, pitiful way.

His constant, vain, sneak-peeks
in all of the mirrors
say “See Me,” “Be Me.”

His sad, clichéd hairstyle
slicked from the front,
down to the top of his collar in back.

It flapped up and around
in the convertible’s air
Like a great-coat on a detective;
exposing the bald spot of shame.

I saw a midlife crisis today,
I was sad, in a pitiful way.

He’s not that much older than me.

.............................
Play With Your Food or:
Theres a Jungle in my Salad!......written by moongem

“Don’t play with your food!” my mother
would say, as I daydreamed away,
often on shimmery summer-hot days.
Roast beef, mashed potatoes, corn,
gravy and rolls, a sensible meal,
and delicious, as well. But, at that tender age,
the whole world was for play.
I nodded; and nodded away,
back to where a white-walled volcano awaited,
overrun with sludgy gravy-brown lava,
simmering and seething and dripping about;
corn eyes floated up, and, wide-eyed, they drowned,
as buttery clouds dive-bombed and fell all around.

Don’t play with your food? How could I stop?
Oyster crackers were life rafts
in tomato soup’s bloody swamps, or
a peeled carrot became a golden jeweled carat,
nibbled on with magical rabbit teeth
as I watched a banana on the table dancing a Chiquita jig!
The center of the earth lived in a watermelon rind
and chicken wings could flap even lying in pieces!
Pancakes were spaceships, goo trapped and plated
while wiggly brown sausage pilots
writhed ‘til I ate them. Cold milk was nectar,
I was a god, chocolate chip cookies my ambrosia...;
and saltine crackers made Olympic castles,
boldly roofed in cheese colored shingles…

“Don’t play with your food!” in exasperation
I snap at my kids, “supper’s over, there’s homework to do,
now stop it, and hurry up! “But, see mom,”
says the youngest, “what a jungle’s in my salad!
There’s orange slivery snakes heading for the olives.
Ranch-white rain has fallen all over the place;
it’s poison, you know, we have to ride tomato-wedge boats
and hold up cucumber umbrellas to get out of this mess!”
I stood transfixed. Why, yes, I see it! And the sunflower seeds
are piranha-ferocious! Pallid onion worm-dragons
surrounding our steeds! Quick! Push over the
sesame breadstick tree, we must hurry and get off
this treacherous worlded creation!--Run!

We made it! We’re okay! We need to celebrate! I know!
Let’s go swim in star bright ice cream waterfalls,
it's time to play in dessert!

*************************

once again thanks to everyone who dropped in to read or post or browse.. its great to see everyones talents displayed with humor and laughter :lol: ..now April is here already so everybody come on back and post even more! :mrgreen: :lol:

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*************************
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moonflowers April highlights..

Post by moonflower » Sat Apr 30, 2005 9:05 pm

<a name="#007">
April, 2005</a>

i usually wait til midnight to do this (in case there are some late new postings) but i may have to take my daughters boyfriend home at that time and its about an hour drive :lol: so decided to get a head start now :mrgreen: ..
all the postings were so great this time!..as always it was hard to pick only a few..there were 38 pieces posted for April :lol: ..thats so wonderful!..i want to say a special thank-you to all who came in and took the time to post..its a privalege for the rest of us, getting to read the humorous and amusing gems you've created..without the posters, there would be no readers! :lol: well here are the ones to be highlighted..all the 38 postings are worthy of special recognition..if i could i would highlight them all..

******************************

Ooops! Sorry Mum........written by Ven

I think I'm autophobic
I'm terrified of me
I fear my face
in the mornings
when its not
how I'd like it to be.

I fear my pudgy belly
and the dimple effect
on my bum
I'm scared to look
in the mirror
cos, there staring back
... Is my mum

------------------------------------

Two Sides of a Coin........written by Janmew

Two gentlemen of advanced age
sat chatting over tea
comparing thoughts and such
about their kids, you see.

“My children drive me crazy!”
the first man shook his head,
“I wish they’d leave my life alone
and run their own instead.

“You see, I am a widower,
it’s been now several years;
the kids think I am lonely
and must be bored to tears.

“They think I need companionship;
keep trying to make a match,
but they don’t seen to understand
there’s just one little catch.

“I’m happy just the way I am
don’t need to be tied down;
don’t need another lady
to wear a wedding gown!”

The other man said, nodding,
“I know just how you feel.
My kids do much the same
it’s really quite unreal.

“You see, I’m pushing eighty
my wife died years ago
but now I’ve got a girlfriend
who’s really great, you know.

“My children think it’s wrong,
they want me to themselves.
They meddle in my business
like pesky little elves!”

The two men sat a little while
each nodding his white head
until the first one looked up
and with a smile he said.

“I have a great solution
to our problems here my friend.
Why don’t we just trade children!
Our troubles then will end!”

------------------------------------------------

LOST IN TIME........written by Richard Taylor

His body was cold
His whiskers where long
His bones were all over the place
He’d been dead ten thousand years
So the archaeologists said
Why they dug him up no body knows?
He must have been a person of renown
But when I think of all those years
All I can do is..?

-------------------------------------------------

Suffice It To Say........written by bags123

Let's suffice it to say;
Time passes away,
wih its concept
absurdly defined

By the minutes and hours
a life is devoured
In the years joy and pain
are combined

Let's suffice it to say;
I'll soon reach the day
when my fate
will be rudely designed

To lie dead in the ground
Eternally bound,
and the last of my time
is behind

Let's suffice it to say;
I'll live,..come what may
Despite moments when I
feel maligned

If the choice is made clear
I'd rather be here
It's much better than
being confined.

--------------------------------------------

Crazy........written by SamIAm

I use to constantly talk to myself
And I really don’t know why.
It’s not that I thought someone else was there,
Or expected some reply.
Talking to one’s self is not a disease
Like Parkinson’s or cancer.
My mom told me, “Talk to yourself all you want,
As long as you don’t answer.”

So I talked to myself every day of my life,
Whether alone or in a crowd.
But one problem I found, when I talk to myself,
I have to talk out loud.
Now this behavior of talking out loud to one’s self
Can make others turn and stare.
You may say: “Who cares what others think!”
Well I do, dammit. I care.

So I learned to talk without moving my lips,
Which turned out to be quite a feat.
Hence, I hid my secret of self conversation
To those who passed by on the street.
I could yell at myself,
Ask myself questions,
Or tell myself what to do.
I could lie to myself,
I could tell myself jokes,
And no one even knew.

But I’m older now (almost thirty-four)
And the habit has faded away.
Even though through those years
I thought I was crazy,
I’m a little more sane today.
After all the hard work I went through to stop
These one-on-one conversations with me,
I look around at the world,
And the grown-ups within,
And this is what I see.

A man who yells at his computer,
Calls it names and asks it, “What’s wrong?”
A woman who yells into her phone,
“Why are they keeping me on hold so long?”
A mom who talks to her coffee pot,
And tells it when to brew.
A man’s phone dials his wife when he says, “Honey buns.”
Then he turns to me, “I’m not talking to you!”

And then there’s the guy with the “hands-free” cell phone
Standing out in front of the store.
The ear piece and mouth piece are practically unseen,
And he’s pacing across the floor.
His hands are flying as he yells and dictates
To some ghost within satellite range.
And I watch him in awe as he talks to no one.
Realizing I may not be so strange.

So use your cell phones that are voice activated,
And computers that obey your word.
Jump around in public while you yell in the mouth piece,
Though you look extremely absurd.
Have fights with the air, threaten your computer,
Say “I love you” to folks we can’t see.
Go on ahead and talk to machines…
I’ll just keep talking to me.

-----------------------------------------------

overture for blues........written by preston

Mozart showed up late again last night
Looking pale and sullen
I've grown tired of his solemn mood
Night after night

"Why don't you get away for awhile" I tell him
"Sail west into the sunset until you reach the new world"

He stares at me in silence

"They're looking for a few good composers
Somebody to get things up and going"

"I hear there's a place upon a windy shoreline
where they're talking about something called the blues"

"Yeah, menuettos and sonatas are old hat now.
Riffs are where it's at. And licks
It's a whole new scene
You could really make a name for yourself"

--------------------------------------------------

A Howling Scream........written by ken wertz

A howling scream in summers night
unsettled the horses tied,
To my surprise, and louder still
I heard a baby's cry.

A look to see would surely be
a foolish thing to do,
but I've three children of my own
and all I count is two!

-----------------------------------------------------

My Kid........written by Fancilady67

I was a party hearty girl
fun loving and wild
and then I discovered
I was pregnant with child

Now life for me has changed
with this little boy
No more money for beer
Its all spent on the now coolest toy

My house is never ever clean
My feet are always sore
From stepping on a Hot Wheel
that is always on the floor

My cute little girly red sports car
that flew like the wind
traded for a Mommy car whose carpet
has sticky crumbs forever ground in

Collectibles are long long gone
They were killed by a flying ball
They've all been replaced
with his artwork scribbled on the wall

There's no time ever left for me
Party time's over at last
But cleaning up after this kid
is always such a blast

At the end of each day
Already frazzled and worn
He says "I love you Mom"
I cherish the day he was born

------------------------------------------------

A Weasel in my Pants........written by bags123

I went hunting
Without bullets
All I did was
Point my gun

I enjoyed
Scaring the animals
For my own sick,
Morbid fun

At last I sat
Upon a log
To rest my
Weary joints

When a weasel sprang
Out of a bush
To make his
Angry point

He ran right up
My trouser leg
As I began
To dance

I spun
In great confusion
With a weasel
In my pants

I undid my
Topmost button
Pulled my silver
Zipper down

I thought I’d
Grabbed the weasel
But that wasn’t what
I’d found

I twisted it
To break its neck
And felt a
Wrenching crack

Then that weasel
Ran out of my pants
And stopped his
Quick attack

As I whimpered
In the woodlands
Wracked with pain
From what I’d done

That damn weasel
Shouted from afar
“I guess you’ll never point
THAT gun”

-------------------------------------------------

LOL........posted by starfire

When you're kissing your honey,
And your nose is all runny,
She may think it's funny,
But it's not!
(it's snot)

She was only a stablehand's daughter,
but all the horse men knew her.
(manure)

---------------------------------------------


Road-Kill Stew........written by Heinzs

Maw hollers at the young 'uns
ter git them in fer vittles -
but they's jes' havin' too much fun
tormenting that city feller
down in the wash.
We don't take kindly
to no strangers 'round here -
'specially if'n they drives
a fancy car and acts
all snooty like.
This'n'll disappear, too -
funny how he jes' drove
plum off'n the road
into the gully over yonder.
Kilt hisself a 'possum -
but that's in the stew.
We'll call the sheriff
in a day or two
so he can come git the car.
It ain't something we want nohow.
This'll be the third one
to get lost in the swamp
this summer.
Been a good year
for road kill.

************************************

well hey thanks again everyone for visiting the Humor Forum and i hope all of you come back even more in May!.. :lol: :lol:

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Last edited by moonflower on Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

visit my poets page

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enchanted by the magic
Posts: 2190
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2002 12:01 am
Location: longview tx

moonflowers May highlights..

Post by moonflower » Tue May 31, 2005 10:10 pm

<a name="#008">
May, 2005</a>

well there are so many amusing pieces this month!..28 in all!..thats so great!..all of them humorous and funny.. i love getting to read all the posts!..:mrgreen: as always, choosing only a few to highlight was hard..a big thanks to everyone who took the time to stop by..well these are the ones to be in the spotlight for May.. :lol:

********************

Serious Hunting.....by Eternum1

I am the warrior
my blood
calls me to the scent

Through the maze
I track
with my hunting pose bent

I call to my woman,
see I told you....
we parked nearby
the spring sales event

---------------------------------

Chatting Zebras.....Sharoneliz

Does my bum look big in this?
Don’t tell me this sight you would prefer to miss!
I know horizontal stripes-can be quite daring.
I didn’t get much choice with what I am wearing.
Go on you can tell me, be honest when you speak.
I won’t get upset or turn the other cheek.
Well that’s it horizontal stripes will have to do.
I bet you would not wear them.
If you did not have to.

----------------------------------

CATS.......by Berlie

Cautiously I stalk you, then
An aerobatic leap to
The top of your head
Surprise!

------------------------------------

Halfway to 100.....by Preston

Don’t go down to the pub tonite
The poets are nosing around for a fight
If they see you, you’d best take flight
They’ll be there till the dawn’s early lite

And back home our dear LadySaturn
Alone in the basement
Watching the moon peeking in through the window
It’s just a state of mind

I just want someone to talk to
To talk to
Talk to

~

2005’s been a very strange year
I gave up on women and took up on beer
I’m not complaining so let me be clear
These things are not always the way they appear

And back home our sweet LadySaturn
Asleep in her warm bed
Watching her beau sneaking in through the window
Her dreams are so sublime

~

I fear that my life has become a cliche
I don't dare leave but I can’t bear to stay
It’s alright ‘cause you know what they say
All your tomorrows were once yesterdays

And back home our dear LadySaturn
Alone in the courtyard
Watching the sun coming up in a blue sky
In just the nick of time

I just want someone to talk to
To talk to
Talk to

------------------------

You Love Your Games.....by redrobin

I sat here talking to you
You didn't hear word I said
If I didn't see you breathing
I would have thought you to be dead

I sat here wondering
What should I do
To gain your attention
The way I use to

A computer chip planted
Deep into my skin
This thought was so absurd
It made me start to grin

You love to play your games
Playstaytion, x-box, the computer too
Thats how your attention is held
And why I stay so blue

I could run through the house
As naked as a bird
You would continue playing your games
Without saying a word

So maybe a computer chip
Planted deep into my skin
Is the only way to get your attention
The way I use to back when

------------------------------------

Quotable Quotes.....by SamIAm

Quote:
Light is a wonderful gift. But even God knew enough to make it shut up and go away every night.

My Dad (Who had a belly like Buddha)


Quote:
The only time chocolate is not a beautiful thing is when someone else is cramming it down your throat.

My Dad (Who sometimes wore a skirt and went barefoot, like Ghandi)

Quote:
It seems like the smaller the town, the more one-way streets there are.

My Dad (Who has bad grammar, like George Bush)


Quote:
Trying to figure out the mind of some people is like diving head-first into a three foot kiddie pool.

My Dad (Who played with Plato as a kid.)

Quote:
The only real truth in a man is when he says, "Damn. This is good beer."

My Dad (Who thought Socrates was Latin for "soccer".)

Quote:
Intelligent people don't have to waste their time trying to figure out what others are thinking. We can be satisfied knowing what they're not .

My Dad

Quote:
Why is it that the more a person thinks they know, the louder they get?

My Dad (Just before Mom slapped him.)

Quote:
The only reason why some folks are still alive is because it's illegal to kill them.

My Dad (to a cop)

Quote:
Your right to state your opinion stops where my gun barrel begins.

Guess Who

---------------------------------

Myopic Stalker.....by Tom Watson

It's true, she was awfully pretty in his mind, so demented.
(He thought of himself as an amateur expert on such things.)
”Maybe if I just try to act naturally” he thought as the room emptied,
Eyes admiring Baggy tights and wellington boots, caressing her diamond rings.

He wasn’t a chicken about chasing little cherubs in all their chastity,
No matter if the dress was cheesy or having sick, chalk like skin.
It made him chuckle to himself, the weaklings constant neediness;
Perfect for his churlish nature; chomping up goodness, spitting it out as sin.

Then he had to hesitate, noticing the German shepherd with her-this could cause a mess.
He pulled from nowhere a female French poodle, pheromones loaded with heat.
Releasing her, she jaunted off to lure the mighty Shepherd away,
Then, losing doubt, thinking “OK then, we'll call it a definite maybe”,
He rose from his seat, growing grim about the mouth, anxious to play.

As he approached He noted then, the bags in the jeans were not bags but amply filled.
To his dismay, it seemed, a change had come to his victims’ person
The boots were matted with reddish-brown clumps and stains on pants where blood had spilled,
He paused startled, then, from the turned bearded face and Buddha bald head, ran away, cursin’.

------------------------------------------------

thanks again everybody for sharing your humor with the rest of us :lol: ..i hope you all come on back and post even more for June!.. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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Last edited by moonflower on Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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moonflowers June highlights

Post by moonflower » Thu Jun 30, 2005 9:56 pm

<a name="#009">
June, 2005</a>

well there were 48 pieces posted in this forum in June :lol: ..that is really great!..because i havnt been able to be here (because of my computer!) i havnt been able to read all of the pieces yet..so this month i have only selected a few postings to highlight..by next month i will have read all the June poems and will then select the highlights from combined June and July pieces..all of the postings look absolutely wonderful and i cant wait to read each and every one! :lol: my thanks to all who visited this month!..well these are the highlighted ones for June :lol: :lol: ...

********************

Operation Raid!.....by Leysa

I nearly missed him as I stirred
my morning cup of joe;
he simply appeared on the counter
marching, a soldier in solo.

Of course I smashed him,
with my pointer finger of pain,
for the intrusion he attempted
during my morning mundane.

I thought I was smart
for ending his sojourn,
but the joke was on me
as things began a counterturn.

Two of his compatriots appeared
next to the bread box
and more were waiting by the dryer
next to a dropped pair of socks.

They climbed over my mirror
and across the tub;
they circled the bedroom window
above the azalea shrub.

The army swelled near my chair
overtook the remote,
the lamp was soon covered
with too many to smote.

I ran to my car,
burned rubber down the road
hurried to the market
in order to lock and load.

The bombs on the shelf
sparkled in the fluorescent light
And I bought one for each room
smiling with evil delight.

At dawn I will release them …
the bombs to wipe out the conspirants.
Hopefully then my home will be free
of those freaking, thieving, pesky little ants!

----------------------------------------------

mirror-mirror.....by sharoneliz

I am staring into the mirror, horrified at what I see.
There seems to be no trace of what used to be me.
My skin has lost its lustre.
My shoulders have lost there posture.
No, it can’t be another wrinkle there.
Oh surely not! I cant have grey hair.
Every thing has dropped, you know gone south.
My lips are thin; there are tiny creases around my mouth.
I have been told we should all age gracefully.
I think I will look into plastic surgery.
However, for now I will just have to accept.
I wish there was one thing I could have kept

-------------------------------------------------

Buffalo Bob.....by Ven

Bob the Buffalo Carpet Beetle
tucked his legs in and went fetal
at the mention of upholstery steamers
or super sucking vacuum cleaners.


-------------------------------------------------

FIVE-DAY DIARY.....by Richard Taylor

1 Its warm, and I’m torn [should I]
2 Its hot, but I’m not sweating
3 Its so Damn hot, but I’m not, complaining
4 Its Boiling, and I’m toiling, but not wilting
5 It’s Raining, TYPICAL!!!!

-------------------------------------------------

During June.....by bags123

I'm always in tune
with my rational mind
From six in the morning,
till noon.
Then....
it decides to take
a creative break
everyday that I work,
during June

I always awake
with bad dreams
in my mouth
From
gargling poems
at the moon
Coinciding
with works' hesitation,
and deciding to leave it
too soon.

***************************************

well my thanks once again to all who stopped in and posted or read :lol: ..now come back and post some more in July!..lol.. :lol:

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moonflowers July highlights

Post by moonflower » Mon Aug 01, 2005 12:40 am

<a name="#010">July 2005</a>

well here it is again..highlighting time :lol: ..the selections here are from the June and July postings..there were 67 pieces posted for the two combined months..thats so great! :lol: ..each and every one is wonderful.. just goes to show what great and diverse talent all of you have.. :lol: well here are the highlights for July..i wish i could pick them all!.. :lol: :lol:

***********************************

This Office is Bugged!......written by Leysa

There was a movement
I saw it in the corner of my eye
I wasn’t certain exactly what …
but something had just run by.

Of course it then stayed hidden
inviting me to relax,
not wanting to be seen,
it waited quietly, behind my back.

So I returned to work
trying to accomplish more;
then it ran by again,
scuttled across the floor.

I tend to be a bit squeamish,
afraid of bugs and such --
this little office visitor
was simply much too much

I pulled my feet up,
tucked them in my chair,
and waited for his next trip
out of his hidden lair.

A quick dart from underneath
boxes and a storage file --
I screamed as he trotted by
with his lackadaisical style.

Getting cocky and arrogant,
he was slowing with each pass,
wiggling his antenna at me,
a six-legged little smart ass.

What he didn’t know yet
was that I had a plan;
I had placed a call to Zac,
the office maintenance man

Alas, Zac couldn’t catch ‘im --
Superbug evaded all Zac’s sprays.
I had to take an extra coffee break --
It had become “ONE OF THOSE DAYS!”

I called the housekeeping staff,
they couldn’t catch the creeper.
They tried with mops and brooms
and even the electric sweeper.

Then my boss got into the act
trying to save me from the invader,
but the little guy ran from the big guy
like a bachelor from a second-grader.

Just as I had given up and decided
I would have to share my space,
little Pat from the front desk called
providing a bit of saving grace.

“Just in case you were wondering
where that tiny brown bug had gone
I saw him near the printer
now he’s smashed, dead and done.”

(Pat deserves a raise!)

------------------------------------------

A visit to the in-laws......written by preston

She tells me I don't play the tragic figure very well.
Which is fine by me. Because tragedy bores me.

I've always thought despair was an overrated emotion.

And all those lost souls crying in the wilderness ...
Someone needs to give them a swift kick in the ass, and tell them to get a life.

And if it's charity you're looking for, I put a 20 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I toss her the keys and tell her she's driving.
I'll take over when we get to New Orleans.

-------------------------------------------------------

The Beast......written by Eternum1

Does she lament
the broken body
lying there
Her silent lover who only
wanted to stare
at her ample, lush
round derriere

Was it a bullet or the fall
that stopped his giant heart
Was it her tiny push
that broke his grasp
gently encircling
her well formed tush

This much is true
at the very least
About the tale of King Kong;
It was Booty
that killed the Beast

------------------------------------

Mullet Mania!!!!......written by Phoenix J Star

Mullets! Mullets!
Everywhere!
Never in my life
have I seen so much
bad hair!

Her's is long, stringy
and dirty blonde...
his is spikey on top
but the rest is black
and long.

There's a whole mullet
family...Mom, Dad,
Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue,
look at Spud...he's got
a mullet too!

So if you see a mullet in
your town...just smile as you
walk by...

because someday that
could be YOU!!!!

--------------------------------------

ET Poet Eye......written by Eternum1

A quiet day
in the low rent district
The kind of place where
Roach motel is a place uptown

Then 'She' walked in
just as I was looking
for a reason
to live

She had class written all over
I'm talking top shelf
like single malt
mellowed past puberty

With the kind of body
that Henry Ford
called Model A
with all the options

I knew she was
trouble with 2 ts and a A
as she removed the
Glock from her purse

"So Mr T"
she said with a smile
as bright as a new cue ball
'May I call you E?"

'Have a seat, sugar'
I replied,
while hastily removing socks
still drying from the sink.

She wiggled into the chair
the way a bee wiggles into a flower
As she must have
putting on that Versace dress

I listened to her story
offered her a tissue
as her eyes moistened
like amazon rain on twin sapphires

She must have seen it in my face
as she put back the glock
I was hooked like a greyhound
at the sight of rabbit on a rail

I took the case
and 2 months rent money
Smiling like Joe Camel
as she wrote a check

I watched her leave
swaying like a trailer
on a windy over-pass
on the I 90

I carefully put Roscoe
back in the drawer
It never pays
to push your luck


to be continued

-------------------------------

Nursery Rhymes of Versatile Kinds.....written by foreverflame

Ally was a gator that ate her daddy that named her
and gave her that stupid name…
…he might as well named Ally “Gator”…

Lady was a bug
that was buggin’ the other ladies
for lovin’, but they all hate him
since he’s male, but his name’s “Lady.”

Bumble was a bee
that was blind and couldn’t see,
so he’d stumble and fall from trees
since he couldn’t see he had wings…

Jack was a pepper…
…who had a brother named “Colby”,
…who had a mother named “Feta”,
…whose husband, “Monty” she hated…

Mel was just a box
full of mail, but he got knocked off
and sailed and landed flat
when he got hit by a wingless bat…

Salt and Pepper fighting…
…while “Thyme” kept count of timing…
Pepper cried when Salt had beat him…
…said he won ‘cause he was “seasoned”…

Single dated Double,
and Double cheated with Triple,
and Triple wanted Quadruple,
and……bah……this rhyme is stupid…

------------------------------------------


Twelve......written by bags123

Twelve....,
twelve signs in the firmaments zodiac

Twelve apostles like ladies in waiting
.
Twelve signals of impending heart attack

Twelve days during Yule celebrating

Twelve twelveths as a fraction of one

Twelve weeks to enjoy summers sun

Twelve pieces of eight on the beach

Twelve dreams always there to be reached

Twelve months to complete every year

Twelve dollars will buy a few beers.

Twelve inchs contained in a foot

Twelve eggs in each dozen I cook

------------------------------------------------

Male or Female......written by GoddessErika

You may not know this but many inanimate things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald, and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

-------------------------------------------------

well thats the highlights for July :lol: ..i want to thank all of you who stopped by and read or posted..its all of your input that makes this forum so great!..come and post even more in August!..(it CANT really be August can it???)..lol.. :mrgreen:

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moonflowers August highlights

Post by moonflower » Thu Sep 01, 2005 7:44 am

<a name="#011">August, 2005</a>

well its September already and time to post the August highlights :lol: ..there were 39 postings in the Humor forum for August..thats so great! :lol: ..a big thank you to all who came in and posted or browsed..the choices were hard to make but these are the ones to be highlighted for August..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ground vs air......written by foreverflame

The sight of you must be pitiful…
…ugly, and despicable…
…is that the reason why you stay invisible?

Don’t hate on me because you’re grounded
and too damn stupid to carry sound…
…all you can do is bounce it…

Man, you’re so physically weak
that you can’t even carry anything…
…you always drop it down to me…

That’s because you’re a garbage magnet…
…a horizontal pack rat stacked with trash you can’t pass back…

And you’re just boring to see…
Having no size, shape, face or form…
…sights are endless with me…

You’re just mad at me…
That’s why you take these stabs at me…
It makes you sad to see something that’s drug-free
get so high off gravity…

I fill peoples heads
with scenes of things so beautiful…
…Now tell me, heh. Who wants a head full of you?

Yeah, you got trees and streams,
but these are material things…
…Man, I can see people scream…

So?… Seeing screams is silly…
Don’t you know that I’m swarming with literally
every form of versatility?

Yeah, but you can’t even fly…
People stand on you and stare at me
wishing they could soar in my sky...

Well, trees make the air that you see,
and water that evaporates comes back and makes
air from the seas,
so it seems that the “ground”…heh…is something that you need,
so that means that you exist simply because…*ahem*…of me……

…but I’m free and you’re locked…
stationary to one spot…
Don’t be mad because I’m not,
although I know it hurts a lot…
Stuck on ground and cannot move,
while I'm flying fast or slowly…
Sorry, man. This time you lose…
The ground can’t stop me…heh…so blow me…

....................................................................

King Procasinator......written by Gordy

because of the length of this hilarious piece ive made a link
for it instead of posting the whole thing..
CLICK HERE

....................................................................

with apologies to Mr. Poe

Hallowe'en, Nevermore! ......written by ninian

Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered weak and weary
Over many yards of fabric, thread and needles and much more
Would my son, the Jedi master, find himself faced with disaster
When his cloak, as yet unfinished, lying on my parlor floor
This isn’t all there is much more.

Ah, distinctly I remember, back in warm early September
Each under eighteen family member wrought with costume choice galore
From my sewing box I borrow, darker thread to staunch my sorrow
Hoping to find on the morrow – sorrow gone and costumes more!
This I hope, and nothing more.

“Are you sure” I asked uncertain, wrestling with the silken curtain
As I cut it into pieces for a cape he would adore;
When I watched him as a child, Spiderman was pretty mild
Garbed in red and blue and black, criminals he did abhor
Fought and beat them, he would greet them, tied with webbing to the floor,
But a cape he never wore!

“MOM!” He said, his voice grew stronger. “Spiderman’s like that no longer!”
Glaring at me smirking slightly tapping his foot on the floor
“Living in a new dimension, dealing with some new dissension,
Has a costume with the latest techno gadgets and much more.”
Then he stomped across the floor, in his room and slammed the door.
This he did and nothing more.

Deep into the silence glaring, long I stood there merely staring
Dreaming for someone to save me from this costume sewing bore.
But the silence was unbroken, and my temper it was smokin’
So the only word there spoken were the whispered words “No more!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words “No more!”
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into my parlor turning, anger deep within me burning
Nothing there to stop me casting machine and costumes on the floor
“Surely,” said I, but to no one, “surely you can see this ain’t fun:
Sewing costumes made to order for some children, by the score –
I’m tired and I want to be done, sewing is a real bore
I can’t believe they still want more!”

Open here I flung the window, when the cold October wind blows
Out I saw a little figure, looked like me in days of yore;
Looking up at me he smiled then he waved and skipped a while
Motioned I to little child, come into my parlor door,
Come into the house now quickly, knock upon my parlor door
Merely this and nothing more.

Then this little boy beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore.
“I see you out there skipping, playing, what’s your costume are you saying?”
Bracing myself ‘gainst the fear of having to sew anymore-
“Tell what your costume will be, quickly now and close the door!”
He smiled and stood there on the floor.

As he stood there rapt with wonder, my heart beating hard like thunder
What would be the verdict now, of the sewing I do more?
He smiled at me and then he gestured where old costumes were sequestered
To the trunk behind the leaning, halfway opened closet door.
He pointed to the lion costume laying there upon the floor
“This I’ll wear and nothing more.”

Quickly my eyes filled with tears, words I’d not heard in many years
Those few words as if my soul in words alone he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered – only me insanely muttered
“The lion costume’s on the floor. Can he mean I sew no more?
On the morrow will he change it, then my hopes fly out the door?”
Spoke the child “Nothing more”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Happy,” said I, “you have made me, with this costume on the floor!
No more sewing can I manage, fingertips all cut and bandaged
Last year’s costume he will wear and I’ll be freed from sewing bore!”
Hallowe’en won’t cause distress, I opened up the parlor door
“He’ll wear THIS costume, nothing more!”

My family thinks that I’ve gone crazy, better than they think I’m lazy
As I plunge into the sewing, zealous as never before,
Nearly done I see the end now, can’t believe that it is here now
Hallowe’en is starting and I’m still behind the parlor door
Pinning costumes all together as the kids run out the door
Hallowe’en stress? Nevermore!

................................................................................

The Bark of Trees......written by Nancy

Music, enters a
calm of a water fall…
catching
flowers, fragrance
fills a field…

Falling, falling -
lifting itself near
dusk a secret depth
in fog…
a humid day, occupying
air…

Lights, circles of color
absorbed in all
directions, flashes
lightening on the
water fall…

It runs, away into a
gray mist…
swept over
transforming constant
as humming birds...

still - space
no one talks
birds, gone.
No terror on the
falls..
reaching up and over -

Water mist…
below gray limbs
of trees.
A constant trickle
white light...
rests upon a waters
edge..

A brilliant light
as water... falls
beyond flat rocks
landing near
bark of trees...

.................................................................

Alas..she is 2......written by Phoenix J Star

"Abbi don't eat soap!"
"Abbi don't eat crayons!"
"Abbi don't play in the toilet!"
"Abbi don't poop in the bathtub!"

It seems the main words of my
vocabulary these days are
"NO" and "DON'T"
Our favorite shows are all
featured on Nickeloden and
Cartoon Network and I won't
even get started on KidzBop.
Our new nightly routine consists
of a bedtime story, then kissing
all 23 of her stuffed animals
good night.

I am no longer allowed to go
to the bathroom with the door
shut no matter what number
I have to do and I have found
that to a 2 year old,
tampons are great bathtub toys.
Intimacy with my other half
is pretty virtually impossible
when its really hard to explain
to a 2 year old that daddy
was not hurting mommy...
"She's screamin daddy..."
Oh man...

The trash can is her new adventure zone,
I never knew bananna peels were so
interesting, and there are some
things that get flushed down the
toilet that I really didn't think would
go down...
We go to bed late, wake up early,
poop with the door open,
and it seems that if you can't find
a sitter so you can have a parents
night out...but, that's ok.
I can't go to the bar every night like
the rest of my friends,
I can't go to the mall with out taking
all Abbi's babies and the necessary
accessories, but that's ok.
Chasing away monsters from
the closet and kissing boo-boo's,
all the early mornings and sleepless
nights, the first time she counts to 10,
and learns half her ABC's,
and every time she says
"I love you mommy" seem to
make it all worth it...
although I really don't like
to do #2 with the door open...

...................................................................

I Locked Myself Out Naked........written by Shane

In order for you all to truly appreciate the situation, I must first set the scene for you.

I used to live in a 4 storey high "L" shaped apartment block on the first floor in a corner apartment right next to an outside stairwell.

It was late Sunday afternoon, wet and cold and so luckily for me, very little movement around

This place was so small, I didn't have an indoor bathroom so semi naked dashes were a consideration i.e. if I forgot something, I'd have to dash across about 10 feet of free exposed space to get to my front door

The front door and the 10 feet to the bathroom were both exposed to half of the building's 30 other apartment front doors and front windows

This one particular day, I'd decided I was feeling decidedly "icky" so it was time for a shower

After the shower, I was towelling off and drying my hair when I realised I'd left my watch and pinky rings in the bathroom

So, rather than do the sensible thing and wait til I was fully dressed, I decided to "chance my hand" and make a quick dash in and out..... after all it was only 10 feet or so and I'd never done anything as adventurous as that up to this point so I thought "what the hell...."

I stuck my head out the door and had a quick look around to make sure I was safe and unseen

So far so good......

Quick dash!!!!!! 10 feet!!!!!

Made it!!!

I put my watch and rings on and had another quick look out of the bathroom window to make sure I'm clear

Another 10 feet and I'm home and clear, no worries at all...

Quick dash!!!! anddddd......

Oh sh*t!!!!! The doors locked!!! what the f**k???? How did that happen???

Oh sh*t!!! Oh F**k!!!!!! dammit!!!!!!

I raced back to the bathroom and contemplated my next move (if any)

I thought about wrapping myself in toilet paper and making a dash for the landlady's apartment and asking for the spare key but then...... I remembered she wasn't at home today........B*tch!!!!

I remembered that my front door is made of soft wood so I actually attempted to kick my own door down (without success)

There's never an Arnold Swartzeneggar when you need one!!!

Thennnnnnnn the panic sets in as I rush back to the bathroom and wonder how this is all gunna unfold

Then I remember that my kitchen window is open.... (remember that I'm 12 feet above the ground) and there's a small balcony about 4 feet from my kitchen window. The window is aluminium sliding type and only 12 inches wide

There's a small window sill made of brick so it could take my weight and a small pipe running the height of the building about half way across so I had something to hold onto

So I climbed up onto the edge of the balcony and steadied myself for a second..... then I reached my hand over and grabbed hold of the pipe which was half way between me and the window.... then I swung my right foot across and planted it on my window sill..... so now I'm naked.... spread-eagled and facing the wall, 2 inches away, holding onto a small pipe and praying for 2 things... that this tiny little pipe doesn't break and that I suddenly don't have visitors or an audience

I have to stand there a few seconds (in all my glory) to regain my composure, considering the situation.

The next move was to get both feet onto the window sill, bearing in mind that the whole window is 24 inches across and about 40 inches high but only 12 inches of the 24 could be opened

So I stretch my left foot across to join my right on this little window sill while holding onto the open part of the window roughly 12 feet above the ground

It hasn't escaped me that if I fall, I probably won't die but I WILL hurt myself very badly and have to lie there naked til someone comes across me and calls an ambulance

So, being 6 ft tall and about 250 pds (more or less) it's gunna be quite an order and a feat to get my big body in through this little window

So I slide my left leg through the window and it lands in my dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and then I plant my naked butt in the aluminium window sliding thingy

So now I have my left leg in the dirty dishes and my right leg hanging 12 feet above the ground

I decide at this point to get my d*ck inside the window and then my head goes in and now here's the hard part.... the rest of me.

It took the best part of 5 minutes to squeeze myself through that 12 inches of window

I slipped through the window and landed butt first into my dirty dishes.... needless to say that after I'd re-showered and hidden a spare key outside, I'd washed those dishes thoroughly (since then, I've told this story many times but I've never told anyone during dinner parties, which dishes are which.... just in case)
...................

I Locked Myself Out Naked......written by Shane

On a cold wet and dismal day
Just after a brief warm shower
I locked myself out naked
At the very very worst hour

A tide of wanton panic
Has just hit me from all sides
When you lock yourself out naked
You're in all that nature provides

No where to run, no place to hide
Options here are very few
Not even a couple of bushes
To hide what all could view

To run and hide or climb the fence
To steal clothes from her clothesline
And try hard not to look like a fool
Moments like this are not of my design

But the Lord had smiled upon me today
And had left me a very small window
About 12 feet or so, above the ground
There wasn't a much better way to go

So I climbed and climbed, to find a way in
It was getting cold and I'm starting to shrivel
I'll protect the world from my dangling dilemma
Anything less would just not be civil
......
(As you can see, this poem gives very little detail and practically begged for a more detailed explanation as to what actually happened)

.........................................................................

well once again i want to thank everyone who stopped in to visit..without ya'll this forum wouldnt exist! :lol:now that September is here come on back and post some more! :mrgreen: :lol:
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moonflowers September highlights

Post by moonflower » Mon Oct 03, 2005 10:51 pm

<a name="#012">September, 2005</a>

hi everyone..so sorry to be so late posting these..had major computer breakdown this past week :roll: ..also was out of town for a few days..hopefully i can get back to normal now :lol: ..

cant believe September is gone already!..in this forum there were 37 postings made for the month!..thats really great! :lol: ..its always so hard to choose just a few to highlight..all the pieces are so worthy of being highlighted..my thanks to everybody who visited here in September..well, these are the ones to be highlighted :lol: :lol: ..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two one......written by burdick

To one that seems confused.
That one who should have “two” better used…
(or would that one been too bemused?)
I say:” One, too much use of “to” leaves me bruised!”.
And one says:
” too much to tell me about “two” leaves me accused”.

--------------------------------------

Phoneticleptos......written by Kidro

Phoneticleptos, phneticleptos
O hw yu steeel da wrodz
Naow weee muft utileyez deese
Annd luk liek ve haf branes uv brdz

-------------------------------------

iamb what iamb......written by debab

I sweat, I curse, it's time to master stress.
Enunciate in metered measure, yes,
appears to be a pleasure, so they claim.
It feels as if my feet are marching stuck
in clay, the left leg weaker than the right.
Dusty and clunky, anapest and trochee
Hopeless.
Where is the scat song, the jazzy steps
that slid free verse from my pen?
To learn, to scan - sigh
begin again, to count the stresses on my digits.

---------------------------------------

Blerrggghh......written by Slartybartfast

Shit I'm ill
I need a pill
My head, it aches
My body shakes
I need my bed
To rest my head
And get relief
From chattering teef

My body shivers
My mouth it quivers
I'm out of breath
I feel like death
I stayed off work
'Tho not a shirk
Can't concentrate
In this poor state

My wife's advice
- A bag of ice
"Lay it now
On troubled brow"
I go upstairs
While she prepares
A drink for me
-A remedy

"is this a joke"?
I nearly choke
"A bucket quick
It makes me sick
This drink it fails
To cure my ails
What's in this cup
You make me sup?"

"A hot toddy
To cure your body
A generous shot
Of whisky - hot"
"And what" I pose
"Do you suppose
Has caused this night
My sorry plight?"

-------------------------------

Orthodontics......written by chthon

My daughter's just been to the dentist
who says that her braces must stay
the look on her face was a picture
that has haunted me all of today

Another six weeks and then maybe
no metal will be on full view
and the smile on her face will be priceless
and the brushing will be easier too!

-------------------------------------

Absentee......written by bags123

I will seek safe winter harbors
when the leaves begin descending

Falling like the Holy Martyrs,
except they're not comprehending

The fridgid truthfulness of error,
if my ship's still out to sea,

and I meet some Holy Terror
where at once I liked to be.

I'd be down in "Davies Locker",
in a moldy pair of "Dockers",

with goldfish floating in my head,
while I'm listed "Absentee"

--------------------------------------

well once again i thank all of you who visited the 'Humor' forum this past month :lol: ..i hope you all come back and visit even more in October! :mrgreen:
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

visit my poets page

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moonflower
enchanted by the magic
Posts: 2190
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2002 12:01 am
Location: longview tx

moonflowers October highlights

Post by moonflower » Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:51 pm

<a name="#013">October, 2005</a>

hi everybody..well its incredible but October is gone!..its just amazing to me how fast time flies!..in the Humor forum there were 22 postings for October..thats so wonderful! :lol: :lol: ..thanks to all of you who popped in and read or posted..it wasnt easy but here are the ones to be highlighted..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Another Day....written by Shane

Yawning stretching
warming sunrise
children's laughter
working
days

*

Coffee needed
op'ning papers
deadline watching
job's turned
down

*

Ev'ning dinner
people laughing
gath'ring hot food
kindness
smiles

*

Drinking too damn
many spirits
nodding heads
time for
bed

--------------------------------------------------

Things My Kid Says....written by fancilady1967

He's six years old but sometimes
speaks like an adult. Either way
its always cute.

When his nose is stuffy its
"I can't get my smell back"

When his parents (us) argued about the election
he takes his Mom's side (smart kid) and tells his Dad
"You smelt him, you dealt him"

When he gets mad at his 18 year old brother its
"You fart like a girl!"

When he bumps his head its
"Don't worry, I have a steel brain!"

He's also a little poet with
"I don't know but I've been told, I think Daddy's getting old!"

When he loses a tooth its,
"The tooth fairy will take it to her tooth factory"

When we visit my parents
Instead of Grandpa, he calls my Dad "Belly".

When I mention being human its
"You're not a girl, you're my Mom!!"

When my husband and I show affection its
"Oooooh Disgusting!!!!"

When he's in trouble its
"I'm going to live somewhere else where kids don't get in trouble."

When my husband and I argue he says to his Dad
"Mom's the boss so quit arguing with her!"

When I have no money he says
"But you can write a check!"

When I need to go to the ATM he says
"Are we going to the Money Store?"

My CD wallet is my
"CD Purse"

When I was putting on makeup he asked
"Do you wear that so people will think you're pretty?"

When I said yes he said
"Well that's dumb!" (He's right huh?)

When I'm cranky he says
"You need to go back to bed and get up again!"

My personal favorites are:
"I love you more than my toys."
"You're the best Mom in the whole entire universe."
"I'm glad you had a son."
"Don't kiss me in front of people!"

and of course with little boys

"But I don't NEED a bath!"

----------------------------------------------

Polite Poetry Site....written by bags123

This is a very polite
poetry site.
It's members
well refined
All polished to
a semigloss
by meter,
and with time

----------------------------------------------

Lady Driver....written by Dorismary

Hey! Look at the nutter
coming ever nearer
He's on my blooming tail,
the failure
Oh, come on, bring it on
I'll show yer!
Oi, I'm not taking this - and stop shaking your fist
I'll.......go.......slower
Slower than...............thirty
Yeah, you watch,
I can play dirty

Ah, thought I was braking?
Got you shaking?
No, no - NO OVERTAKING

Keep back,
right back
Idiot!!!
Should be off the road

Who's the mouthy one in your passenger seat?
Tell her to button it. Accept defeat
You don't give up, do yer?
But I don't either
Kiss my butt, not my bumper

I'm getting ANGRY
You're making me MAD
Intimidation? Not with me, lad!
You're not such a big guy
So lay off the gas
'cos you're risking your gear stick
being pushed up your ****!

That's your last warning
Don't mess with me
I'm the lady driver -
with permanent PMT!!!

---------------------------------------------------

Boffing or Nott....written by Eternum1

Nora Nott was hot
Betty Boffing was not.
Is it better to be Boffing than Nott?
Some say not
that Nott was not hot.
Boffing says she boffed Nott.
Either the boffing Boffing boffed with Nott, was not
Or Nott was boffed.
If the boffing Boffing boffed Nott, Nott was boffed.
But if the boff, Betty Boffing boffed wasn't boffing Nott, Boffing was boffed, not Nott.
Therefore the boffed Betty Boffing boffed not Nott, boffed a lot for naught but not Nott.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well hey thanks again everybody for visiting :lol: now come on back and visit more in November! :mrgreen:
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

visit my poets page

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moonflower
enchanted by the magic
Posts: 2190
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2002 12:01 am
Location: longview tx

moonflowers November highlights

Post by moonflower » Fri Dec 02, 2005 7:48 pm

<a name="#014">November, 2005</a>

another month has flown by so fast!..in the Humor forum there were 18 postings for November..how great is that?? :thumbsup: thanks so much to all of you who dropped in and browsed or posted..its all of you who make this such a great forum! :grin: well here are the ones to be highlighted for November.. :grin:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Go Figure....written by ninian

When I was in school,
and thought I was cool,
I refered to my poetry as "shite."
Because when I was in school,
it wouldna been cool,
to say that I knew how to write.

Now that I'm older,
(and a little bit bolder)
I've gone back and read some of it;
and I've come to realise,
(though it isn't a surprise),
I wasn't that cool --
it was shit.

--------------------------------------------------

No Better....written by Debo

I'm sitting in this parking lot
Down to my last buck
With two flat tires on my pickup truck.

My luck ran dry a long time back
And the police want to ring my neck
On top of that my spare tire is flat.

The boss says he won't help
And my old man is laying up in jail
There's no-one I can call for help.

My dog got ran over and killed yesterday
The I.R.S. has confiscated my pay
Oh well, What the heck
Life can't get no better than this

----------------------------------------------------

Candy Wrappers....written by bags123

Is your pathway always littered
by candy wrappers of
regret?

Has your mouth often been fitted
with peanut butter on
baguettes?

Is the distance to the kitchen
exercise enough for
thee?

Does your tongue become all frothy
watching food shows on
TV?

Is your greatest satisfaction,
when the pizza's crust is
thin?

Have your feet become a stranger
seldom seen below your
shins?

Well then my friend, it's time for you
to get up off your
ass.

You're stinking up your living room,
and smoking too much
grass

-----------------------------------------------

Mr. Homo....written by TheMillionHope

Twinkies tunko’s startling mangos
Juggling jungos jangling marbles
Dunking dingos dunking donuts
Dazzling Dizzos Mynizzos Mananas

Marking Market Marco Polo
Dance and jump in the Apollo
Studying scarlet hamlet a-go-go
Lifes a startling dance pro bono
Leave the sight of Mr. Homo

----------------------------------------------------

well hey i want to thank everyone once again for popping in to visit during the month of November :thumbsup: ..come on back now that December's here and visit even more! :mrgreen: :grin:
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

visit my poets page

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