Ok I lied, I have much to say on the subject. I'm finally learning all the lessons that my family has tried to teach me all those years back. Little did I know then...I'm sure most of you feel that way as well as you breech like a whale into adulthood, or cruise along the highway to mid-life. What I would pay for a time machine!
My quest to go back to school continues, unfortunatlly unsequestered. Every time I think I will be able to go back, BANG! Something happens and I can't. I know I'll just have to suck it up and dive right on in but with Toby trying to prepare his shop so he can paint at home and with sitters for little Bilbo scarce, plus that money thing, its been hard.
I'm so not in the career field I wish to be in and that is driving me absolutely MAD. I've always been notorious for becoming extremley passionate about a project and then not wanting to finnish it. That has held me back more often than I like to admit, but not anymore by god!!! I literally woke up one day, one day not long ago and decided that I'm going to change damnit, I'm going to do it. I'm still trying and working on things but its coming along quite swimmingly I think.
It's a very hard thing to actually verbalize to yourself the things you hate about yourself that need changing. Most people just want to keep them shoved deep down in that inner lock box and loose the fucking key but I decided to unlock the damn box and just get it over with. So I did it, and of course locked myself in my bathroom and cried in the fetal position after I made myself feel like the most shiteous person ever but after that I gathered myself, collected my thoughts and while I made that trecherous list I also read it aloud.
One of my main problems, other than not finnishing anything in life I set out to do is my lack of motivation. This affects me professionally, as well as at home. I used to have tons of motivation. When Abbi was a baby our house stayed clean, laundry kept up, dishes done, home cooked meal every night, worked my ass off at work, and somehow in these past 4 years that motivation was sucked out of me. Now, there are many factors as to why and I don't use these as excuses...I could, but I don't. First Ninny got sick. Gran could no longer take care of her and my aunt and I had to step in and do what she could do no longer. That was not only mentally exhausting but physically as well. Then Gran got sick and had to have more help so I was spending all my free time helping to take care of them. Then Toby proposed and I had a wedding to plan. Then Ninny died. Let me tell you something that I'm sure quite a few of you already know. The death of a very close loved one takes a toll on you. Not to mention I was keeping busy so that I wouldn't dwell on it even though I still did, and nearly ran myself into a break down. As the days went on and we moved on from Ninny's death, I was still planning the wedding while continuing to take care of Gran. That was a ton of work in itself. Then the wedding was over and then Gran died. That was the worst. I still haven't fully gotten over her death and I don't think I ever will. Ever since she died, I have lost all motivation and will to complete the goals I had set for myself. Undoubtedly if I did actually follow through with something I know it would make a stronger and better person, so why can't I do it?
I'm still trying to answer all my own questions to myself.
Then there is work. There are good days and bad days and the bad days are usually really bad. I'm still a pee-on. If I don't change myself I will always be a pee-on for no other reason than fear. Fear to take that step into uncharted territory. Well, uncharted by me anyway. What am I so afraid of? Rejection? That it will be hard? That there will be people that don't like me? Well of course I will probably face rejection. I delt with it in high school and I can deal with it as an adult. Get over that one Jenni. I already know that nothing in life worth having is easy, that's pretty general knowledge so way to point out the obvious. People not liking me...well hmm..I don't life my life by other's opinions so I really don't care if there are people out there that don't like me. I'm a generally likable person. I've cut way way way back on having gossip and drama in my life and that's a huge relief right there. It's almost as good of a feeling as losing ten pounds. But to do that I had to cut people out of my life that were toxic. Realtionship with said toxic persons are kept strictly superficial. It's basically a "I'm going to be nice to you for the sake of work only" kind of thing and it works for me. I have boundries set. Boundries are important thing in realtionships I have also learned. I wish my boss understood what boundries are. He also needs to stop waking up day to day haphazardly motivated by what people think of him. Worrying about that can kill you! Maybe not literally for everyone, but you seriously can not do that. It makes it hard to get up in the morning when you walk into the office and after the first person says hello to you, you are already analyzing their tone of voice and trying to understand what you have done to piss them off, even though you probably didn't do anything because they work in an entirely different dept. and you don't see them too terribly much. Seriously? Yes. That used to be me. And that is a carbon copy of my boss right there. When he walks in the office and he says hello to you by god you better say it with a bright and bubbly inflection or he will pull you in his office and ask you what is wrong in your life that you can't wake up happy and cherrie! Jesus H Christ I have never in my life been a morning person. You expect me to after 25 years to wake my ass up at 5am with birds and squirrles singing at my bedside? I don't think so. Now I'm not totally horrible. I just don't walk into the office singing "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood". Well fuck me! How dare I?!
So I've decided, whilst on my quest to find me and make me a better person, to finnish a book I started a few years ago. I'm going to start on it tonight after I force myself to put up the clean laundry that has been on my bedroom floor for weeks. Instead of watching television I'm going to sit myself down and write! Well, after my motherly and wife duties...dinner, bathtime, booktime and bedtime.
What fuels this desire to change myself? Many things. Greed, self loathing, lack of self esteem, and a generally feeling of hatred for myself. It really is hard to love other people when you hate yourself on the inside. Since I decided to do this, I've been a better wife, mother, friend, and an all around better person...to everyone but my boss who I'm still quite upset with. But I'll work on that one too by maintaining those boundry things I talked about earlier.
GOD I sound like a self help expert. By no means am I ready to take on trying to help other people. I gotta get myself right first. Life is too short to be a miserable person and live a miserable, meaningless existance. Then you end up dying alone in a house full of of cats weighing 300 pounds and wearing your granny panties and Monday's moo moo with buffalo sauce stained on the collar. No way, no thanks. I'll pass on that one.
Thanks for listening. I don't care if you respond or not. I just like that people actually read my odd rants and I hope that somewhere in my rambling, some of you find clarity...seriously, I hope you can make sense of this jumble of words and thoughts. Usually I'm the only one who can. Have a spectacular evening poetryopolisinnians. I would wish for you nothing else but.
I bid you a fond farewell!
Till next time, I'm Phoenix J. Star, sighning off.
Peace out
