Chapter One to my book. More to follow.

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Jade
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Chapter One to my book. More to follow.

Post by Jade » Thu Jun 10, 2004 9:05 pm

Chapter One:

He was a dream. Or so it felt that way everytime I thought of him. Like he was out of my reach. Three years ago I met him- half sober, stumbling, then perfectly walking up my porch steps into my living room. Then, he seemed like another guy I'd probably have a "fling" with if anything at all and the feelings would fade away... mutually. His old brown Justin boots and dip-claimed pocketed blue Wranglers caught my eyes first, then his heart-felt, heart-warming smile. Conversation was simple between us and every time we ended up alone in the same room together his lips graced me with soft, deep kisses and his hands wandered carelessly about my lust-hot body. I didn't see him everyday. Not even every month. But when I did fire flowed through my veins. The stories my brothers would tell me of him made me feel like I meant nothing and that his too perfect, too mesmerizing charms had just made him have another admirerer among the many. He was their best friend and he was my "secret" crush.

Three years past and I saw him again. He stood there in his loose flannel over a dirty white T-shirt painting red-wagon paint over old copper-brown rust. His tanned white skin-SO ENTICING- and the scent I always seemed to leave with after hugging him so tightly was just as stomach-tangling as before. I hid my emotions then as best I could, but when he didn't try to hide his, I had just a little Bud Light, and we were paid attention to only by eachother, my tounge and his met again for the first time in three years. He looked at me with his beautiful, entrancing brown eyes and would put his arm around me rubbing my back, gently sliding his hand over my bra-strap and side or shoulder. I was six years younger than he was and at twenty-two, he had to wait for me to "almost be legal." "Seventeen" is what he said and he was serious! I looked at him, kissed him and was held by him in so much impatience for December seventh- a little over eight months away- to roll around so I could be his and he mine. When I looked at him, I couldn't believe he liked me so much. He was too much what I wanted to trully want me too. Or so I thought.

I thought of him everyday after that chilly night in March when he let me wear that old flannel that I so happened to take home with me. I hung his shirt by my door and every time he crossed my mind (which was quite often) I looked at it or either I smelled it to smell him all over again.

My brother didn't understand why Mike liked me, but then again, he was my brother after all. I'd never told him if I liked any of his friends, but as we drove away from Mike's house that night, my brothers words echoed in my mind: "Mike likes you. I'll have to keep him away from you." "Mike likes you." "...Likes you." "...Likes you." "Mike... you." "Mike likes you. I'll have to keep him away from you."

I guess it would have been two or three days later when I realized DJ wasn't joking about those anchored-down words. He sat on top of "Dick's" Grey trashcan that pressed the patch of green clovers flat turning them yellow beside our wobbly brown steps, looking at me as though I was on his mind. My all too protective uncle, Jeff stood in front of those steps and I sat on an old light-blue horse barrel directly across from DJ and looking him dead in the eyes.

"I can't take Manda over to my buddy's house anymore," DJ said. "He's tryin' to kis on 'er and he's twenty-two!" DJ turned his head to the left and spat on the moist, newly sun-touched ground. I looked down at the purple flower that had fallen out of my hair onto my shirt and picked it up so DJ couldn't see how interested I was in what he was saying.

"Oh shit," added Jeffrey as he stuck his long hands somewhere deep in the pockets of his blue jeans.

DJ looked up at him and smirked before telling him the story of the other night. "I told 'im if he kissed 'er, I'd hit 'im right in the jaw." I looked up then from the flower I had already forgotten I was holding.

"You did," I asked. Really I didn't remember that being said. Actually, I knew that I hadn't heard those words because if I did, I wouldn't have drew Mike into me by my feet as I sat on the tailgate of his old, white truck. Holding the almost empty can of Bud Light in my left hand, I pulled his body over to me with my right as I clasped onto his white T-shirt and kissed his soft lips. "OH MY GOD! I BETTER NOT LET DJ KNOW," I cautioned to myself.

"Yeah. You were standing right there, too. Didn't you hear me?"

"No. Daniel or whatever his name is must have been talking to me." "KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE," I said to myself. "DON'T LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU'RE KEEPING SOMETHING HIDDEN."


"Yeah, Daniel," he assured me. "Well, I told 'im." If DJ detected my interest or secret at all, it would have been then when I smiled for almost three whole seconds. Or maybe later as the two of us washed his old Ford truck in fromt of our house. The truck was parked off the side of the dead end road we lived on and it straddled the foot-deep ditch that took at least four rounds to get mowed. DJ transferred the green water hose from the interrior side of the truck to the side next to the road... the driver's side. I carried the bucket of soapy water and the sponge. "If you ever let Mike do anything to you, I'll kick you ass," DJ said so incredibly random it kind of surprised me. "You better jus' tell 'im no and if he keeps goin' then I'll kick his ass. All Mike wants is to get in your pants." It wsa my silence that would have given my away or again, that damn smile I never noticed 'till it had already appeared. This time the flower was long ago thrown on the ground and I had a bucket and soapy water to occupy my eyes with. DJ always had some way to bring me down; Some way to ruin that WOW HE LIKES ME feeling even though I knew I wouldn't see Mike again for, who knew, eight months or more. DJ Said so much that day about Mike and me it left me confused. He told me that when he met Ashley,his future wife, she was sixteen and he was twenty-two. He said when he found out how old she was he didn't date her again until she was eighteen. That left a permanent thought in my mind: Seventeen wasn't when Mike Phoenix and I would be together. It was eighteen and I knew it. Forget eight months. It was twenty months. Just a little over a year and a half away. I just prayed Mike wouldn't fall in love with someone else before I was old enough to be "his girlfriend."

I felt especially bad when I was with another guy because I knew that it wasn't going anywhere but he thought it was. And when his family started talking to me about marriage, I couldn't believe what I had done. Not only did I feel like I was using my boyfriend, but is all accepting family too. What's worse, maybe, is that when we had our best moments together- best kisses- I was thiking of Mike and picturing Mike's lusciously soft lips pressed against mine.
Last edited by Jade on Thu Jun 10, 2004 10:15 pm, edited 4 times in total.
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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Post by heinzs » Thu Jun 10, 2004 9:26 pm

I had in mind the "prose and stories" forum, not "humor and nonsense" *grin*

You want I should move it?

Pops
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Jade
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Post by Jade » Thu Jun 10, 2004 9:42 pm

YEAH PLEASE.
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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Post by Floetry Spades » Thu Jun 10, 2004 11:24 pm

Princess...I'm gonna tell you this now..I don't feel like re-vising my critique because I've written to much...I'm very sorry about any typos/etc.




Your writing is good...but I'm not good reading certain types of first person storys.....it's like the girl is talking about the past......sorta like the titanic or something like that. It jumps to much from scene to scene....you know. And I think(from a fellow writer's point of view) you jumped to far into the mike love story. I think it's to early for the main character to express her love for him. I would suggest building up to it and making the reader fall in love with mike first...kinda set up his personality....and his looks,etc. Give a reason for the main character to be so in love with this man. You've got the writing down packed...but this seems more like Chapter 13 rather then chapter one. It seems like I'm missing something. I'm kinda gettin a country vibe..I'm not sure where the story takes place....and if you said that then I'm really sorry...I'm not trying to be tough or anything :mrgreen: I just want to help you as much as I can because your a great friend....and a fellow writer. OK...so lets continue with the review.....hmm.....I'm a big believe in character development.....I understand that it's just the first chapter.....he was a dream....he came on my steps and we talked etc. ect....I'm so in love with him...why? I want to know more about him...I want to fall in love too....because I haven't heard him say anything yet..not one quote :) You should have told us more about him because it seems like he's a big part of the story. What I would have did...instead of having the main character TALK about times her and mike had..I would have actually HAD those times. It would have been great to start the story with a passionate scene with the two..or something like that you know....I'm just not feelin'' the love thing...it's too early and there's not enough reason for the main character to fall love with the guy...hmm...besides that....it seems like the story's in the past. Like somebody is telling what happened long ago.....it jumps around from 3 years to the present...I think that was done to early too. It seems like you've gotten to close and to far away from the main plot. You went to far into the love part of it. And you got to close to the main story by talking about stuff that happened years ago. I'm not sure if that made sense,lol....but I hope it did. It wasn't exciting enough for me though....you've got your typical love story(which..if done right...can be exciting),but what story doesn't have a love story. And I know that your not supposed to jump into the story this early and I'm not expecting anybody to have to save the world but it seems like I'm reading from somebody's diary.....and it's boring me. I liked the way you flowed in the story. How you used first person...you did do the hole.. (I went over to the counter..I sipped a glass of water...I etc.) you didn't repeat the subject over and over again..and that takes natural talent....man I've said a lot.


It's just that when I started writing Shadows Of Youth..I didn't get any heavy reviews like this...and thats what I needed. Because I ended up re-writing basically the hole story..which is good because it's twice as better now. I just want to be able to help you in anyway I can. Also....I hope you already know whats gonna happen at the end of the story. You need to have a clear view of whats gonna happen so you can foreshadow and give hints to whats gonna happen you know. You should start off just scribbling...and you should re-vise your chapters....like add stuff in and take stuff out...because you'll go back and say...hey..I want this to happen and hey...if he died at the end of the book..I'm gonna go back and make the reader feel more about that person so his death can be more dramatic......and so on...and another thing.I would NOT recommend writing a chapter and then posting it. That was to much pressure for me...it's like I had a dead line and stuff...also..I didn't have the freedom to go back and change what I wanted because when I posted...it was kinda like the final copy of the story....whew....I can' talk anymore..but good luck princess...I'll read it and help anyway I can...feel free to ask questions and please if you read Shadows Of Youth...give me some critque...but don't read it if you haven't because I want you to read the better version that I'm writing now..take care.
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Post by LadySaturn » Fri Jun 11, 2004 1:48 am

Holy Shiznixs.. This is really good Jade.. You have a way with first person narrative.. and like floe said, it sort of brings about that whole titanic past thing.. very good read.. I wouldn't mind an alternate ending though.. oh and you made Mike sound like such a dream boat.. whoo.. those kind of men though.. oh I've had those kind of men in my life.. they may look good but they ain't worth what thier price tag says.. trust me.. Of course, I'm still attracted to a pretty boy.. so I shouldn't talk but at least with his price tag, I know I'm getting what it says and not some lame rip off imitation piece of.. anyway.. keep up the excellent writing, jade.

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Jade
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Post by Jade » Fri Jun 11, 2004 3:10 am

I actually have a lot to say replying back to Floe's piece. But I won't yet. I printed it out and I am thinking a lot about how to say things.
This book that I am writing though, is a true story. It all happened to me. There wasn't much to build up to with him. It was just that I saw him "three years ago" and I instantly was attracted to his "old brown justin boots and dip-claimed pocketed blue Wranglers then his heart-felt, heart-warming smile." It all happened here in the little country town or Kernersville, North Carolina. I should describe the setting more and myself, I know. I just don't do well with descriptions. I posted it here before I finished it because its not finished. I need critique. I don't normally write books. So I know that I need critique. And this is a great place to get it. The story starts out with the love of Mike because it will not stay that way. Things change. Just to let you in on something, he is now currently engaged, living with this woman and acting the father figure to her three year old child. That changed it all. That is itself calls for a drastic change in the story. I don't know what will happen, but thats only because it hasn't happened to me yet. The names are actually real, which I will have to change for publication. I have a Chapter two, but I want to get my Chapter One out here first.
Well, I think I said most of what I was gonna say to you floe, anyway. LOL. Thank you so much for the feed back. It was strongly needed. I just have to sit down with Nocturnal_Angel (Cesar) And figure out what I am going to do.

And LS, thank you so much for the kind words. He is a hottie. I am glad that you liked it. I hope it doesn't bore you too much as it did Floe. And sorry about that Floe, btw. I have no patience, so I tend to rush things and skip the descriptions. But hell, descriptions make a story. You can't see. So I shouldn't do that. Cesar tells me that. If you guys could help me out on this and let me know what I could do, it would be so highly appreciated, as was Floetry's response. I hope that it is written good.
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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Post by Floetry Spades » Sat Jun 12, 2004 1:15 am

Keep trying...your dooing a great job...I'm just not feeling it at this time....but I'll keep reading. :mrgreen: It'll pick up...I'm sure.
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Purchase my first poetry collection on Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Time-Capsu ... ap_title_0

"Floetry, your eyes are so much,
stronger than your voice." -- Jukoto

"Bitter melon is sweet ... In it's own honeyed way .... Like candles don't flicker .... Alone in the rain" -- Miyu

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jhanke
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Post by jhanke » Sat Jun 12, 2004 11:24 am

I really like it.. it so sweet. I have to say since I'm 15 and the guy I like is 22 I know the feeling of wanting to turn 18 sooo bad. If only. eh, i just found out he is moving to a place 45 minutes away from here. I figure he will find a hott girl and they end up together. anyways, good work i can't wait for the rest. :thumbsup:

Jen
Maybe I should of buried the butterfly instead of picking it apart.

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Jade
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Post by Jade » Sat Jun 12, 2004 11:26 am

Thanks Jen. I am glad that you took the time to read it. I didn't think many people would. But hey, look how many has so far. I think that I was wrong.
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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jhanke
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Post by jhanke » Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:43 pm

:mrgreen: keep going.. keep going..
Maybe I should of buried the butterfly instead of picking it apart.

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Jade
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Post by Jade » Tue Sep 14, 2004 3:20 pm

Ha ha... lol... It takes me a while to write about this... I suck at stories...
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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jhanke
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Post by jhanke » Wed Sep 15, 2004 6:27 pm

:mrgreen: No worries girl.. i still havent gotten around to write chapter 3 for my story.. just havent gotten in the mood to.
Maybe I should of buried the butterfly instead of picking it apart.

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Jade
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Re: Chapter One to my book. More to follow.

Post by Jade » Sat Dec 22, 2012 6:00 am

Omgoodness LS you are so funny! I haven't read this in a really long time. I was what... 17? Lol
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
words can sting like all things
but it's silence that breaks the heart
click here to view **MY ARCHIVE**

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