“You need help Alvina,” Frederica said as she took a razor away from her friend.
“Freddi I’m fine,” Alvina said.
“No, you’re bleeding,” Freddi replied giving her a towel, “You’re lucky I got here early, Ali.”
“I am?” she asked, “How so? So you could yell at me?”
“No, if you would’ve cut any deeper you would’ve been seriously hurt,”
Freddi said as she walked from Ali’s room to the bathroom across the hall to get alcohol and cotton balls.
“Ok nurse,” Ali said sarcastically.
“Ali I’m not playing. You need to stop this! You’re gonna seriously hurt yourself one day,” Freddi said in a concerned tone.
“I will not!” Ali said, wincing as Freddi put the alcohol soaked cotton ball on the severe cut Ali had inflicted on her own leg.
“Then why do you do it?” Freddi asked.
“It’s fun,” Ali said with a laugh.
“Fun?” Freddi said in a disgusted tone, “How is self mutilation fun?”
“It’s not fun, per say. It’s just a way I let go of things. Would you rather I do drugs?” Ali asked.
“No! I’d rather you write, talk, punch walls, or do something. Just nothing this dangerous,” Freddi said wiping the alcohol off Ali’s leg, then bandaging it, “Where’s your mom?”
“Where do you think?” Ali asked in a sarcastic tone, “Work.”
“Dad?”
“Out of town.”
“Where this time?” Freddi asked as she picked up the mess and went back to the bathroom.
“Somewhere in Minnesota,” Ali replied playing with the bandage Freddi had just put on her leg.
“So your parents don’t know about you doing this?” Freddi asked as she came back into the room and smacked Ali’s hand, “Stop it.”
“No they don’t know,” Ali answered, “They’d have me locked up. Why do you think it took me so long to tell you about it?”
“Maybe that’s what you need, is to be locked up,” Freddi said sitting down on Ali’s bed.
“Man, I thought you were my friend,” Ali said shooting a death look at Freddi.
“I am! That’s why I say you need to get some help!” Freddi said in her own defense, “You know that psychiatrist my mom sent me to when her and dad divorced?”
“Yeah,” Ali said suspiciously.
“Well, she was a great doctor. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you started seeing her,” Freddi said.
“A shrink?” Ali said in an offended tone.
“She was a cool person, and she doesn’t have to tell your parents,” Freddi insisted.
“I thought we were going to the movies,” Ali said changing the subject as she stood up, pulled on a pair of jeans then laced up her boots.
“Don’t change the subject like that Ali,” Freddi said, knowing what Ali was doing.
“Well! I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m not going to go to some shrink who thinks she knows me when she doesn’t know anything about me,” Ali almost yelled.
“Why won’t you just try it. For me,” Freddi said.
“Fine! If it’ll shut you up I’ll go!” Ali said finally, “Now, can we go to the movies? Please?”
“Yep, let’s go,” Freddi said as she got up, grabbed her bag and they left.
When they got to the movies the place was packed.
They bought their tickets and went to the theater it was in. The only seats left were two in the very back next to the wall.
They got their seats and waited for the movie to come on.
About an hour into the movie Ali excused herself to the bathroom.
“Hurry up, it’s getting to the good parts,” Freddi whispered.
“Ok,” Ali replied as she left the theater.
When she got to the bathroom she waited till the lady in the second stall was out and locked the door. She pulled up the sleeve of her black shirt and got her extra razor, which Freddi didn’t know about, and slit her arm three times. After about five minutes she cleaned her arm up, wrapped a paper towel around it, pulled her sleeve down and went back to the movie.
“What took so long?” Freddi asked as Ali got back to her seat.
“Line,” Ali answered as she continued watching the movie.
“Oh, ok,” Freddi replied.
When it was over Ali and Freddi hurried to leave so not to get held up in the crowd.
“Wasn’t that an awesome movie?” Freddi asked when they got outside.
“Yeah, that one part where he was in the apartment was hilarious,” Ali laughed.
“Let’s go get something to eat,” Freddi said unlocking the car doors.
“Sounds good to me, I’m starving,” Ali replied.
When they got to Taco Bell they decided to eat inside.
“Hey, what do you want?” Freddi asked as she lightly hit Ali’s arm. Ali winced, and her wound had bled through the paper towel and shirt. Freddi looked down at her own hand which now had blood on it, and said, “Ali, come with me.”
Freddi grabbed Ali’s other arm and pulled her towards the bathroom.
“Roll up your sleeve,” Freddi demanded.
“Why?” Ali said, avoiding eye contact.
“You know why!” Freddi said in an angry tone.
“Fine!” Ali said as she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a blood soaked paper towel.
“Let me see the cuts,” Freddi said.
“Freddi, will you stop!”
“No! Show me!”
Ali unwrapped the paper towel to reveal the three large cuts on her right arm.
“Ali, why?” Freddi asked.
“I don’t know! It’s like an addiction!” Ali replied, “You wouldn’t understand!”
“Then help me understand,” Freddi demanded, “Help me understand why you like to hurt yourself.”
“You used to smoke right?” Ali asked.
“Yeah,” Freddi replied, looking for her point.
“You remember the cravings you got for the nicotine?”
“Yeah, your point?”
“That’s what it feels like for me. Except I’m not craving nicotine. I’m craving pain,” Ali explained.
“That’s insane!” Freddi blurted.
“I know!” Ali exclaimed, “I know it is.”
“Whatever!” Freddi said as she got a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall.
She once again took care of Ali’s wound and then they went to get their food. They changed their mind about eating inside and got their food to go.
~School Problems~
“Ms. Lewis, you’re late, again!” Mrs. Prosten said as Ali tried to sneak into class without being noticed.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Prosten. My alarm clock quit on me and I woke up late, then missed the bus,” Ali said, hoping her ‘helpless’ look would loosen Mrs. Prosten up.
“That’s the fourth time now,” Mrs. Prosten spat.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Ali said.
“I’m afraid I have to give you a detention,” Mrs. Prosten said getting out a slip and her pen.
“Wait! Mrs. Prosten,” Freddi said putting her hand up, “It was also my fault she was late. I didn’t show up to pick her up this morning.”
“That’s too bad Ms. Johnson,” Mrs. Prosten said, “I’m afraid if Ms. Lewis can’t get herself to school on time, it’s no fault to anyone but herself.”
“But…” Freddi began.
“No but’s, unless you want a detention too,” Mrs. Prosten snapped.
Freddi gave a look of defeat then mouthed, “I’m sorry. You know I have practice,” to Ali.
“It’s ok,” Ali mouthed back as she took her seat.
Mrs. Prosten continued on with class.
Ali sat with her hands under her desk. When Freddi looked over at her she was picking at the cuts on her arm. Freddi reached over and hit her arm.
Ali shot her a look of daggers and pulled her sleeve down.
After class Ali headed for the bathroom. But she wasn’t quick enough.
Freddi saw where she was headed and followed her.
Ali was the only one in the bathroom. Freddi walked over and kicked open Ali’s stall.
There she sat, razor in hand, and blood on her arm.
“Alvina!” Freddi said taking the razor away from her, throwing it in the trash.
“Freddi, stop,” Ali cried.
“NO!” Freddi replied as she left the stall to get paper towels, “I’m so sick of cleaning up your blood. You’re gonna get caught, and they’re gonna lock you up in some institution somewhere! You can’t keep doing this!”
“I wanna go home,” Ali said.
“Fine, I’ll take you home. Where’s your notebook?” Freddi said wrapping
Ali’s arm tightly.
“Why?” Ali asked.
“To forge notes for us to leave,” Freddi said as if Ali were stupid.
“It’s in my bag,” Ali said pulling her sleeve down.
“Ok, I’ll write that we have some kind of event thing to go to,” Freddi
said as she got a pen out of the front pouch of Ali’s book bag.
Freddi wrote fast and signed her mother’s name. Then wrote Ali’s note.
“Here, sign your mom’s name,” Freddi said handing Ali the notebook and pen.
Ali did as she was told and then ripped the sheet out. She put the notebook and pen back in her bag and they left the restroom.
“Hi Mrs. Anderson,” Freddi smiled politely, “Is Mrs. Bradkins in her office? We forgot to get our white slips this morning to leave early.”
“Yes she is Frederica,” Mrs. Anderson smiled.
“Thanks a lot,” Freddi said leading Ali into Mrs. Bradkins office, “Hello Mrs. Bradkins.”
“Hey girls, how are you today?” Mrs. Bradkins asked with her usual smile.
“Oh we’re fine. But we forgot to get our white slips to leave this morning,” Freddi said handing Mrs. Bradkins her and Ali’s notes.
“Oh! Ok,” Mrs. Bradkins said taking the notes.
She read over them quickly then turned to her computer. After a few clicks and some typing she turned back around and said, “Here you go ladies. Drive carefully.”
“Always,” Freddi smiled, “Have a nice day.”
“You too,” Mrs. Bradkins said going back to the paper work she was doing before.
“I thought you had practice,” Ali said when they got to Freddi’s car.
“I do,” Freddi said, “But now that I’m leaving, I can’t go, can I?”
“I’m sorry Freddi,” Ali said shamefully.
“It’s ok, see if there’s anything good on the radio,” Freddi said as she put the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot.
~The Scars~
When they got to Ali’s house they went up to her room.
“Let me see your scars,” Freddi ordered, “All of them.”
“Why?” Ali asked in a shameful tone.
“Just do it,” Freddi said.
“Fine,” Ali said as she took her shirt off.
Standing in her bra and jeans Ali shuddered. Not because she was cold, or at least not cold on the outside, but cold on the inside.
“My God Ali,” Freddi said in almost a whisper.
Ali had scars all over her arms, chest, and stomach.
Freddi sat down on Ali’s bed with a look of shock.
“How could someone do this to themselves?” Freddi asked, more to herself than Ali.
“I don’t even remember why I started now,” Ali said put her shirt back on and sat Indian style on the floor.
“A better question, when did you start?” Freddi asked.
“Junior High,” Ali replied staring blankly at the floor, “Before we met. It just became a habit. As if it were a defense or healing mechanism.”
“How could this be healing?” Freddi asked.
“It helps if I induce the pain on the outside myself rather than feeling the pain inside that others cause,” Ali explained.
“Well, I’m gonna call that psychiatrist to set up an appointment for you,”
Freddi said picking up Ali’s phone.
Ali didn’t say a word. Just sat there as Freddi made the call.
“Ok, thanks doc. Yeah, we’ll see ya next week,” Freddi said as she hung
up the phone.
“Next week huh?” Ali said when Freddi hung up.
“Yeah, Thursday,” Freddi answered.
“Ok,” Ali replied.
“Got anything good to eat in this house?” Freddi asked.
“Nope,” Ali replied, then looked up at Freddi, “Pizza?”
“Pizza,” Freddi agreed.
They went down stairs and Ali got a twenty out of her mom’s office.
They ordered the pizza, then sat in the living room and looked for a movie on TV while they waited.
Freddi left Ali’s house around four and headed home.
Around seven that night, Ali’s boyfriend, Brent called Ali.
“Hey babe,” Brent said when Ali picked up the phone.
“Hi,” Ali said happily, “What’s up?”
“Not much. Why’d you leave school early?” he asked.
“Reasons,” Ali replied quickly.
“Ok…” Brent said slowly.
It was silent for a moment or two before Ali said, “What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, nothing. Why do you ask?” Brent said.
“Well, you’re not talking and when you do talk to sound distracted.
What’s going on?” Ali questioned.
“I think we should break up,” Brent answered bluntly.
“What?” Ali choked out, “Why?”
“I like someone else, I’m sorry Ali,” Brent said in a sympathetic tone.
“After two years, you like someone else? Who?” Ali demanded.
“Ali, I don’t want to hurt you,” Brent said.
“Too late for that. Tell me now! Who?” Ali said as tears streamed down
her face.
“It’s Freddi. I like Freddi. I’m sorry,” Brent replied, “I’m going to her
house tonight to ask her.”
“My best friend?” Ali yelled, “I can’t believe you! I HATE YOU!”
Ali slammed the phone down as she fell in a heap on the floor and sobbed.
After about twenty minutes, she had stopped crying. She sat in the middle of her bedroom floor rocking back and forth when a gleam of light caught her eye.
A razor.
~What Ended It All~
“What?” Freddi asked in shock, “No way! Ali’s my best friend, and I don’t even like you!”
“But…” Brent sputtered as he stood on the front porch of Freddi’s house.
“No! Now leave!” Freddi said as she shut the door.
She leaned against the door thinking of how big a moron Brent was when Ali crossed her mind.
“Oh God!” Freddi said as her heart dropped.
She ran to the phone and dialed Ali’s number. Busy.
“Oh dear God, no!” Freddi said as she grabbed her keys, “Mom, I’ll be
back! I’m going to Ali’s! Love ya.”
Freddi ran out the door, past Brent, who was sitting on her steps, and got in her car. She fumbled with the keys a moment, then found the right one, started the car and sped out.
She sped the whole way to Ali’s and almost got pulled over by a cop.
She squealed into Ali’s driveway and ran up on the porch.
She pounded on the door.
“Come on Ali, please,” Freddi said, tears in her eyes.
No one came to the door. But it was unlocked.
Freddi opened the door and flew up the steps.
“Ali!” she yelled.
Ali lay on the floor of her bedroom. The carpet was blood stained and a razor lay beside her.
Freddi dropped to her knees beside Ali and started sobbing.
“I told him no,” Freddi whispered through her tears, “I told him no Ali,
because you were my friend. My only friend.”
“I can’t believe you did this!” Freddi wailed, “We were supposed to
graduate together in two months and go to college!”
~What’s left~
The ambulance lights flashed as Freddi sat, dazed, on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
The paramedics came down the stairs with Ali, covered by a sheet, on a gurney. They loaded her into the ambulance and turned the lights and sirens off. No need in rushing, she was dead before they got there.
Brent stood outside in the middle of the crowd that had formed in the street.
Strangely enough Brent wasn’t seen again after that night.
The funeral was a blur really. It was gray, cold, and rainy. It was a
closed casket. Ali’s dad couldn’t bear to go to the funeral, and so he went on another business trip.
Ali’s mother had a nervous breakdown and checked into a mental hospital an hour away. Without her child, she felt she was nothing. Three months later her and Ali’s father divorced, and she never left the hospital.
Brent called Freddi a week after graduation. He left a message on her answering machine saying “I’m sorry about Ali. But you don’t have to worry anymore cause I’m never coming back. I got a job on a boat in Florida. I’m sorry Freddi.”
Freddi erased the message and never thought twice.
After the papers were done covering “The Teen Suicide” months later all
Ali became to the town was another case number.
Case #: 32
“To the town she may only have been a case number. But to me, she was the world!” – Frederica Johnson
, B.D! I can hardly type this for the tears that are coursing down my cheeks. You are one powerful writer, kiddo.
