Resources for victims of abuse seeking help and support. Also good sources for those wishing to help victims of abuse. Post your own stories or impressions of The Ravyn here.

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Post by JukotoxKanashimi » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:35 pm

I guess, this is the place where you share your stories, right? The stories that have ended that is. What if the story is neverending? What if you are just one huge vacant shell for the past to stir in? To fester? It's all the things I've done and haven't done in the past, I relive it, I can feel it, and it is still as real to me as my own blood and flesh....

When I was ten... steady. He was a friend, my tutor, but it felt more like we were best friends just talking and having a good time. Doing math, and talking about how ridiculous all the girls in my grade were, even then I was a little adult, I was gregarious and at times loud, but I was a smart girl. He'd tutor me when no one was around, and my brother was upstairs playing his games.

Then one day the play bantering stopped; my friend...my tutor, told me that he had the phone number of some girl that he had tutored last time, he said that she had grown up now; was in college. Maybe he was trying to make me jealous, or notice him, but in my eyes he was the man that I confided in things and could talk with more than I could have a conversation with my own father. It was quiet for awhile until he reached over and cupped my face, there was something in his eyes that I have never seen anyone look at me ever again, but he looked at me that way, and it was a powerful thing. No one. After. Has ever even glanced at me that way. He was studying my face, everything, he just sat there staring at me with...loving eyes...he got up to stand behind my chair and I continued doing my math and he touched my breast, stroking it, pinching it....

it didn't feel uncomfortable, it wasn't unwanted, I just didn't know what to feel. I asked him what problems did he want me to do and he stopped.

that same night when he left; I told my father what he did and I never saw him again. We didn't press charges, we didn't go to court, it was as if one day he was there, my friend, and then he was gone and exited from my life. I didn't feel anger. I didn't feel sad. I was devoid of anything. I didn't cry. And everyone in my family went back to how we were.

now. I'm in my teens. and I still can't hold a relationship with anyone my age. It feels like I'm still stuck in that part of my life, that place where I am sure I am loved, and as a child even as a little adult he looked at me and treated me like an adult and looked at me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Now, I'm trying to secure some semblance of a relationship, but I can't help but think, "more".

it's sick, i know, it's sick to want this or even feel like i need this, or even try to explain it all to anyone, but I'm sick and tired of carrying it within me like a guilt or some burden that just gets heavier and heavier until i am hysterically crying even when i am doing the most simplest things.

i try and seek older women, thirty's, forty's, married, single, with careers, and I don't know why. they seek me. A part of me gravitates towards them as they do to me. but maybe the god awful truth is that I am a sick little fuck that enjoys something teenaged girls shouldn't be enjoying that I sit in the bathroom imagining about? This is my life and i am falling apart and i am wanting to be touched and anyone that does is not who i want and i don't want high school i don't want to be surrounded by these girls, i don't want them, i don't want them, why do I not want them?

and i've tried to see that as a pyschological thing that because my father had never been a parent figure at the time i needed him that he was busy about his own happiness and nnever stopped to tell me that i was normal or wanted to talk or even to tell me htat i should stop trying to be sucha n adult that maybe this would've all been avoided and i would be a semblance of normal but im not and he wasn't a parent figure and i don't think it's about him, because it's not. maybe i am looking for a parent figure in them, somebody, anybody, love? Me? No?...why? am i sick?

maybe becauyse my tutor friend left like he did, with no apology, with no animosity from me at all, beacuse i never grew to hate him only to love him as a friend that that has put a cancer lump in my heart that has only turned and festered into this plague in me. and i am in bed when i thinka bout all this and i am watching them move along hte isdewalks and they send me casual glances and flitty smiles but it never seems...

like anything.

and it's still here, and the shame of it all, but i can't stop feeling the way i do.
i don't want you to look at me differently, but it's not something that i cana sk of you.

and i know what they want from me, i am not naive.

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Post by rlnimages » Wed Jun 07, 2006 2:05 pm


I'm so deeply saddened by your experience.

I'm even more saddened by your tangle of feelings - longings, self-doubts, recriminations, confusions, frustrations ....

There's not a lot I can say. I'm glad that you're dealing with it, and trying to work through everything rather than keeping it in the shadows. The sooner you can come to some peace of mind and clarity, and the sooner you can stop blaming yourself for what happened, the better the rest of your life will be.

peace to you. thank you for sharing with us, and i hope you feel free to continue as you find it helpful,


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Post by Debbie » Wed Jun 07, 2006 4:13 pm

Juko..this saddened me to see you going through so much..I for one went through much from the time I was 6 years old....I thought I'd never find myself let alone peace in my heart...the only peace I found was Jesus...today I'm able to reflect on my past without it being a nightmare anymore...
I can only hope and pray you will find your solace..for you deserve to be happy. The start of healing is what you have done by getting it out..that is a step in the right direction...I don't know how I can help but I am here if you need even just another listening ear or shoulder...

love Deb :hugs:

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You Will Find Someone Who Needs You.....

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Re: ...

Post by His Barbie Doll » Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:40 am

Juko... I know exactly what you mean... or at least pretty close... I, of all people, cannot look at you different because of a situation I was in for nearly 13 years... left me with mixed feelings and ideas, and things a person feels they really shouldn't think about... More power to you for being able to put this out there, and throwing caution to the wind about it... if people want to look at you differently, it's because they don't want to understand... I'm not even going to give them the credit of saying they "can't" understand... it's that they don't want to... and if that's the case, screw them!!! You don't need 'em!

If you ever want to talk, you're more than welcome to PM me anytime...

Thank you for sharing your experience...
"Don't doubt yourself... Others will do that for you..."
"There's a reason for everything, and everything has a reason..."

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