Once again, Jenn,

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Moongem
Paradoxical Poetess
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Once again, Jenn,

Post by Moongem » Sun May 22, 2005 7:50 pm

I come to you for comfort. I come to you, to try to show you "all that is beautiful is not always good, but, all that is good is always beautiful."

You are beautiful, Jenn. I am, too. Sometimes, anyway, I think.

I am going to share our last 'conversation', my Bird. I don't know how any of you stood me, so egotistical, so self-centered... And, I still am.

I regret nothing I shared with you, except, I could not show you you were an effervescing survivor of circumstance, and, I can see why, more clearly, now.

I've been 'late' coming to talk to you, this eventful month. I know why, as do you. But, see, my love? I am crafting my first book! It's title, 'Metallic Voices: Copper Mountain Poetry by Erin Elizabeth Kelly-Moen'.

Anyway, Jenn, I wish you were here. I wish I could PM you. I wish I could see your *s* lighting up my mood, and your 'moonie' making me feel special.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This next bit is not pretty, per se, but, god, it is mundane compared to what Jenn experienced! It shows human weaknesses, mine. I wanted others to see just how patiently sweet and compassionate Jenn could be, with her friends, what her true nature was. This is where this starts, because it does.

*Re: Jenn

From: The Ravyn
To: Moongem
Posted: 06 Mar 2004 06:10
Subject: Re: Jenn...
*s* i am coping. don't ever be sorry ... life is for living and rejoicing in ... be free ... be happy ... live and love. *hugz*

_________________
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye

whatever you do ... don't click here



~~~~~~

From: The Ravyn
To: Moongem
Posted: 03 Apr 2004 06:07
Subject: Re: Jenn...
hiya moonie ... you ok? and yeah ... you pretty much 'have it' poetry-wise *s* love you too *hugz*

_________________
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye

whatever you do ... don't click here


~~~~~~~~~~

From: Moongem
To: The Ravyn
Posted: 03 Apr 2004 18:51
Subject: Re: Jenn...
Thanks, Jenn! I'm okay. Except... I made a really big mistake, Jenn, blew a chance to, maybe, explode on the poetry scene. I hate how brilliant and witty I think I am when I am drinking, becoming obstuse and superior in my thinking. A very bad habit, drinking, but I do not, and probably won't, give it up, it alters me, not always in a bad way.

Sigh, here, I'll show you what I mean...

~~~~I’ve gotten myself into trouble, again, Richard. In a rather frightening way. I believe this is the worst thing I’ve said to anyone in my life. I am not usually a mean person, quite the opposite, in fact.

Here was my message to Jim.

“Fuck off, Jim, you constrict my head, I've had it with analyzation, when you bleed blood and muscous from your butt, I'll bet your shriveled imagination balloons... I deleted the four exclamation points my finger slammed into your face Mr. By-My-Book-Or-Die Man. I am alone, and so are you, Jim. But around me, there are millions of people who don't know poetry from a bleeding asshole. Sigh....Jim? Did you ever wonder if you would be a different person if you were given different life circumstances? I'm beginning to believe it is hopeless, regardless of any epiphanies others sorrows (which I cannot 'feel', since "I" have not bodily gone through what others life...or so I am told.) I concede that point. Yet, there is an essence that is capturable, that aches and twists a hypocrite's soul. The appearance of 'blood'...nevermind, I've got to check on my girls, make sure they are tucked in. Strange how a moment can totally skew a dead head into life. Goodnight, Jim. “ ***Can you believe I said that, Jenn??!!!***

It was inexcusable. Yet, there was a reason for my outburst. Notice, first, I said “Fuck off, Jim.” not “Fuck you.” There is a difference. Secondly, also not excusable, it happened at AD. Of all the people who could have left a first remark on my piece “Blood,” it had to be Jim. I had woken up that day with terrible intestinal pains, and was having problems with defecating, a mixture of diarrhea and constipation. That afternoon, I ‘pooped’ blood and mucous twice, which scared me badly as I never had before. In checking out my medical book, there were few diagnoses for my symptoms. The one that leapt out at me was Lower Intestinal Cancer. After worrying and imagining I may have cancer and die, I penned ‘Blood’ at twilight, putting my fears and soul into the message and posted it later at AD.

Blood

Blood,
it fills our minds
as it leaves our bodies
unnaturally.

Hooded,
we deny
anything’s wrong,
scripted by fright,
we leave it alone.

Worried,
in a vomited skin,
afraid to let in
the possibility
of dying.

Blood,
stay within me,
beat my heart red,
I am alone.

Blood-scared.

Erin Moen
3/26/04
© Copyright

I called my best friend for support, she was drunk, and I was drinking. She didn’t care, said she said had pooped blood before and we got into a terrible argument. Crying, I tried to call my Mother. No answer. Then Jim’s review came at AD.

“Perhaps I just don't like the subject matter, but I have to say that you've done much better.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes, “didn’t like the subject matter” burned into my brain! I didn’t like the subject matter either, had tried to couch it with sensitivity without trying for sympathy. I lost it. My fears of messily dying raged out of control, flowed out of my fingers like the blood had from my butt and smack into my message to Jim, who was at the wrong place at the wrong time. So much for my sensitivity. Next morning, I apologized, aghast that I had written AND posted such viciousness, and deleted the message when I found I could in my AD controls.

I have a doctor’s appointment Friday. The pain, though lessened, continues to come back, the fear compounds. I apologize.

You may forward this to Jim and the other moderators, I realize I have overstepped the common bounds of our group. It is certainly your prerogative to drop me from NP and DA.

Respectfully,
Erin Moen~~~~~

Its almost laughable, now, and I can smile wryly at myself. It's called self-sabotage, Jenn, I've been doing it all my life. In a way, it may be a blessing in disguise, I'd been warned not to associate with Richard because of his character. But, his praise was glowing, I was needy, and I fell. Another lesson learned.

I thought this might life's-a-bitch amuse you, Jenn, you can see there are flaws in all of us, none of us are 'white birds'. We live in Chaos. Who's breathe is Chance...oh, god, here we go again!! I see a poem in those words...gotta go muse, I'm already working on one about my 'Geranium Monster!', picture and all! Sorry I dumped on you last night, my Bird, but I knew you wouldn't judge me, would let me stutter and lisp in Jagerphoria. :) I think I will send this to Deb, too. She always shows me different thoughts to my 'emotive mind predicaments'.

Love you, Jenn. :)

Can a person be crazy, and still be sane?

_________________
http://www.authorsden.com/erinemoen


~~~~~~~~~~

From: The Ravyn
To: Moongem
Posted: 04 Apr 2004 07:07
Subject: Re: Jenn...
all sane ppl are half crazy ... and insane ppl tend to be the most sane ;o) i understand self sabotage very well ... it seems i have been practicing that for most of my life ... don't feel bad about xpressin how you felt about the comments or whatever ... it was how you felt ... i probably would have said much worse things. that's kinda why i've become a pariah at pps and have no friends there anymore ... i have kept very detached attitude here and not allowed myself to respond to anyone in anger ... i guess i have subconsciously kept this place as my last refuge ... where i can come and some ppl still kinda like me ... ya know? anyway ... don't be so hard on yourself for letting your emotion out ... love ya moonie!

_________________
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye

whatever you do ... don't click here


~~~~~~~~~

From: Moongem
To: The Ravyn
Posted: 04 Apr 2004 07:34
Subject: Re: Jenn...
You can ALWAYS come here, Jenn, and you can always e-mail me, e_moen@yahoo.com. And I can, off the top of my head, think of ten good friends you have at PP!! Don't sell yourself short, your bluntness comes with experience and some convictions are not of your making. I am becoming blunt. Many people ache for you, not with pity, but with compassion, and love you for your essence. I am able to say what I think more than I used to, outloud! Being a pot-smoking, Jager-swilling Poet has changed me, not the pot-smoking or Jager-swilling, but the Poet part. ;) :D *s* There are few places to hide when you begin to write introspectively. The thing is, realization is not acceptance. There is blind denial, or pot-fumed wishes or just plain giving in to the ease of self indulgence...enough. I'm tired of thinking.

Jenn, ...how long? Time moves so swiftly, I don't want to miss a chance to create 'something' to show you I will always remember you, to hold onto, if you have need of a bit of strength to get through this. Or that.

Thanks for helping to ease my mind, Jenn. You're a sweetie! Sending hugs...

_________________
http://www.authorsden.com/erinemoen

~~~~~~~~

From: The Ravyn
To: Moongem
Posted: 10 Apr 2004 01:40
Subject: Re: Jenn...
all hugs are most welcome erin *hugz* and lately i've become a pot-smoking poetess myself ... although it isn't really legal here even for medicinal purposes ... i do have some connexions *grin* i really don't have a time frame ... i guess without treatments ... which i have halted as of march 21st ... it could be months ... or it could be years ... i'm going with years ... but i have a sinking feeling it will be months ... please know that you need do nothing for me ... you have already done enough just by being who you are ... a kind word and a smile are worth more than the contents of every bank vault in the world combined twice over ... and these you have already given freely ... and i will thank you forever ... be at peace my friend ... and perhaps someday we will meet ... beyond the sund'ring sea

_________________
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye

whatever you do ... don't click here

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jenn was so caring, so astute in human nature's differences. I cannot want to let her go anywhere, but here with us...

This next message was after we'd worked on her book, she was so vividly alive to us all, then. She was Jenn, the Ravyn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: Moongem
To: thief of dreams
Posted: 09 May 2004 05:51
Subject: Jenn?
Thief, have you seen Jenn? Her book is finished and I haven't seen her in there since it was done... I'm thinking this must be a kind of anticlimatic for her after what she's gone through, then her writing of it and living with the horrible physical and mental scars, and, finally, her dream come true. Her life in her book. ...how can Man treat another so?

I hate the dark, vicious side of humanity.

_________________
http://www.authorsden.com/erinemoen


~~~~~~~~~~~

From: thief of dreams
To: Moongem
Posted: 09 May 2004 20:47
Subject: Re: Jenn?
no i havent seen her in the last couple days... i worry for her but refuse to give in to the sobbing sympathies that want to burst free.. hehe... Man is a dick.. plain and simple... all of mankind.. well ok not all but pretty close...
she does go on her little hide aways though.. so i am hoping that is what this is and not a physical problem.. ya know?

_________________
"I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me." -Humphrey Bogart

*

~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wrote this pantoum, not inspired by, but because of Jenn, and others I've found who I know I love, who I know, or feel, their spirits.

"Beyond The Lands of Nevermore"

A Slightly-Skewed-Meter Pantoum,
Dedicated to the Spirits
Of The Ones I Love
..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beyond the lands of Nevermore,
Beyond the gathering seas,
May we meet Forevermore,
Beyond the Sundering Seas.

Beyond the gathering seas,
My love, I can feel your needs,
Beyond the Sundering Seas.
May we meet Forevermore,

My love, I can feel your needs.
My sorrowed friend, never ends,
May we meet Forevermore,
As gathering still attends,

My sorrowed friend-never-ends.
Remember, please, we’ve paid our fees,
As gathering still attends
Beyond the Sundering Seas.

Remember, please, we’ve paid our fees,
Beyond the Lands of Nevermore.
Beyond the Sundering Seas;
May we meet Forevermore…

Erin Elizabeth Kelly-Moen
© Copyright 5/5/05

Jenn, I will meet you, in Forevermore.

Always yours,

Moonie
Last edited by Moongem on Sun May 22, 2005 9:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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heinzs
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Posts: 8319
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Post by heinzs » Sun May 22, 2005 8:22 pm

There is no adequate reply to this most poignant conversation, moonie.

My mem'ry's tears well up
releasing the salty sting
that invades my heart and mind
my soul yearns for her smile
but I must bide my time
until our paths cross once again
in the halls of the mountain king.

HeinzS
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

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thief of dreams
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Post by thief of dreams » Tue May 24, 2005 1:33 pm

:cry: is ok Erin. No matter the distance, I know, can feel, that she is still with us. watching over us with that silly sad frown, wishing she could touch us and let us know it is ok, and that we are going to catch hell when we see her for not telling her about the cost you, pops and kim put up for her book... hehe...
i may be slow in replying these days. but i will always be here for ya Erin...
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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Moongem
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Post by Moongem » Fri May 27, 2005 9:50 pm

It is a small thing, to expose myself, when Jenn exposed so much more...

As May draws to an end, again, I feel so damn lucky I was a friend to a woman of such bravery, courage and spirit...

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