Poetry Pages

Winner of the Community Favorite Award: October 12, 2006




People... I must say I don't really know if I should post this. It is really personal. It's something I'm not proud of but feel the need to share. I have no idea why.
Either way... I got help and I'm doing better.
Under Tom's advice allow me to elaborate. The reason I got better and the help I received was partially due to family and friends… plus group therapy. Believe me it helps. Ultimately, in the end, the reason I was helped is because I did it for myself. I learned to forgive myself and others. It is not easy… one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but it is possible.
Just know no matter what you are going threw… there is always someone else out there going threw the same thing. I truly believe anyone can move beyond anything.
I’m living proof.

<center>Kill Me

Every time I face the quietness
I also face my mind
I face my heart and my conscience
I have to listen to them
Hear them speak
And it terrifies me
I have to remember things
What I’ve done
What’s been done to me
Allows me little or no sleep
Makes me so sick
I can’t even eat

I throw up
Panic attacks come after
I cut myself… it helps
Taking away pieces of myself
I can’t stand being alone
I can’t connect with anyone
I’m 24… feels like I’m 150
Worn down to my last thread
I shake uncontrollably
As I pray to God inside my head
Make it stop… please
I hit the walls till my fist bleeds

I put the gun to my mind
Blow away my dreams one at a time
I put the gun to my mind
Blow away my wishes one at a time
I put the gun to my mind
Blow away the thoughts one at a time
I put the gun to my mind
Blow away the memories one at a time

But all I hear are clicks… I have no bullets
I don’t have the courage to end this
So I lay my blood soaked hands across my chest
And waste away the little life I have left</center>

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Admin note:
Nominated as a Community Favorite pm 10/11/06

Wow Orphen, this is so powerful and sad to read. It is great that you preceeded with your explanation and stated that you did receive help.
Sharing this was an amazing thing to do, but, in general terms, do you think you could share the nature of the help you received?
This possible would be just as at home in the Ravyn's Forum...I would recommend it for a visit if you have time, and let me know, either as a comment here of PM....Thank you for presenting this powerful poem, and I pray God's grace continue to be with you in your growth....

Tom

Damn Aaron. If anyone else had posted this it wouldnt have been so hard to read. I pride myself in the fact that i can seperate art from life. This made me almost cry. I know you wrote this years ago but props on sharing it not many would have.

damn man...

this is badass shit sound like a song

I would put a sticky on this, its not just another dark write its life
the dayly struggle to get through deal with everything its the spirit
to get out of the darkness and into the light. I think as human beings
our greatest strength is "we Endure, we overcome"
well said
richard

This was very mind consuming... something where I really looked at every word (besides when I got to throw up since I just got over being sick... but I just closed my eyes for a second and I was fine)... it's such a harsh reality that people really do this. I'm happy that you've gotten help, I admit that I don't - and probably never will - understand why people do these things to themselves. Hope also came out of Pandora's box...

Blaze... I wish I could explain, but the reasoning and events behind it is something that I will unfortunately take with me to my grave. Some things are better left unsaid. I am happy that others have the courage... but I do not, nor ever will.

Richard, is someone would like to sticky it I would be fine with it.

Orphen,

Wow ... I totally agree with what Richard has said........

.... a very brave ... honest write .... and it is so well penned that each and every word is heard and would move any one who reads it ..........

... I commend you...

...jeanne...

Orphen You are not only courageous but unselfish also...you could have been selfish and never shared this but you did and it took courage as well.
Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us.
I too went through similar struggles more times than I 'd like to remember and many years ago. By the grace of God I am still here and so are you...He heard you and you recieved help.
My memories have been diminishing as I give them over to God, I know one day they'll be forgot only to be remembered one day to help someone else.. to be able to say I understand what you're going through..for how can we help someone if we haven't been there..
You have opened a door for only God knows who, to maybe call upon you for some advice one day.
Bless You dear heart for sharing your heart once again.
I was choked up reading it along with all of the post replies..and Richard is right in what he says.

God bless you with peace and joy.
Debbie

There's something about poets (and people in general) and cutting. Good write.

I don't know you, I actuallly just found this site, but I read this poem and it made me cry. Everything that I have been trying to get out, to write down on paper, was said right there. Thank you so much.

Again people... thank you.

I'm glad you bumped this negatvone, I would have missed this otherwise.