Some journal entries - late 03/early 04

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Some journal entries - late 03/early 04

Post by LJAmara » Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:28 pm

sooo ... yeah ... just got home from the hosp where they cut me open and took out my appendix. fun times! dr says there's something else going on and she wants to do more blood tests and stuff ... yay ... i can't wait. at least i get a week to think about it before going back hehehe gonna go take a nap ... my tummy hurts and lisa won't let me be up n around long ...

out of the blue
of a clear winter's day
doubled over in agony
festering poisons
puss inflamed
lying back upon
paper sheets
as the slow drip
brings nothingness
and the blade flashes
releasing the flow
yet ceasing my body's vengeance
upon my cowering soul
leaving me quivering
drug induced stupor
until the past is washed away
and i lie within my own
sweat soaked sheets
thanking the creator of all
that i have only one
and now it is gone

am i supposed to be feeling better yet? ;o) still pretty sore but ... mmmk gonna have to deal with it ... had a good long chat with lexi last night ... was good to see her again ... been awhile ... her and momma boo were startin to worry ... they're so sweet! uh oh! lisa just told me to get back in bed ... hehehe she's such a mother hen!

drs are such a pain in the ass ... literally! freakin vampires! my arms are sore from all the poking ... lisa made enchiladas for dinner ... yum!

back to hosp today for more scans and stuff ... i should just rent a room there ... more later

so ... mmmk now she's got me kinda worried ... could be nothing ... could be ... like ... major holy shit type bad ... i'm voting for nothing ... more fun friday ... i'm so lucky hehehe

xmas was good! girls were so excited ... i love pie ... hehehe

uhhhmmmm great news from dr today ... NOT! fuck ... i'm fucked ... wants to start chemo asap ... NOT a happy camper ... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
did i say fuck? i meant ... fuck!

happy freakin new year ... this just blows and i don't know ... meh ... at least i know why i've been feeling so crappy all year ... uhmmm ... yay me!

can i hold it all together
for just a little while longer?
watch the world spin crazily
as my heart leaps out of my skin

fairie dusted tales of youth
coming back to haunt me now
tiny wings beating against my mind
neverland waits for me

i must have made a wrong turn
past that second star
for as i went straight on
morning never came again
lisa ...

eventually it will happen, love
you know as well as i
when it does i want no grieving
no final resting place, no flowers
take me up to our special place
just you and the girls
make small the fire and remember
the good times and the bad
the joy and the sorrow
then spread the ashes
over kenosha that i love
that i might ever linger there
whatever happens betwixt then and now
always remember that you, love
have brought unending happiness
to a soul shrouded in despair
rena and sarah ...

as daylight fades and darkness falls
you shine above so bright
i have but one remaining wish
to ask of you tonight
when i go a'journeying
across the sund'ring sea
please look upon my lovéd ones
and keep them safe for me

i must depart these bitter shores
that i have called my home
for i am called, my master's voice
does beckon me to roam
never to return again
for such is not my doom
so watch them, guard them, hold them dear
as flowers they will bloom

in growing tall and wise and fair
someday to understand
why i could not tarry there
and share their fairy land
and so to you i send this wish
my master calls to me
to bide there in unending peace
beyond the sund'ring sea

talked to lexie ... didn't tell her ... not going to ... prolly won't tell anyone ... what's the point? happy little poetess am i ... boo was asking where i'd been lately ... made some lame excuse ... sheesh! i can't even tell the truth to her ... no i'll trust lisa and we'll get through this together ... one way or the other .. right? i mean ... on the one hand i feel i should ... them and moonie and terry and ... and ... and ... and where does it stop ... i don't want sympathy or people wanting to do things for me or be sad or ... whatever ... i dunno what i want ... other than this to be a fucking nightmare and i wake up and ... yeah ... right ... dream on ... been to that movie too many times already ... just get through it ... shut up and put your head down and keep moving forward ... is all i can do ... la la la la

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Re: Some journal entries - late 03/early 04

Post by heinzs » Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:36 pm

Thank you, Lisa. It's like hearing her voice...

An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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Re: Some journal entries - late 03/early 04

Post by thief of dreams » Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:39 am

How can it be so long ago when it feels like yesterday? Part of me wonders how I ever made it this long without her there to calm the waters as I thrash around screaming? How her comforting words could be so long faded but so closely kept? Like a reassuring hand on a shoulder whose touch I haven't felt in years but who's warmth of touch still lingers... I guess the truth is, I don't really want to be in a world without her. I feel the world grows colder, darker, and more empty with each kind soul that is removed from it, and none are being discovered who can fill those shoes. Unique, they say everyone is unique, they lie! I've never met someone as uniquely beautiful, elegant, and amazing as her, but I have met countless fools who sing the same songs, who thump the same books, who buy the same Obey shirt even though they don't even know who the fuck Shepard Fairey is!
It never seems to fail that on some of the darkest days, when the world seems the bleakest, I'll see a crow watching me, yea yea, I know, we don't have Ravens around here though, not even crows really, but I can't help it, every time, I stop and whisper a hello and imagine an old friend is letting me know that there is no end, that all things continue on, reborn, reshaped, recreated in a continuous collage of life. It's a very small condolence however, as I miss those who spread their wings and sheltered beauty in their shadows, I miss them all too much.
There are people in our lives who tell us, "You can tell me anything", but there are very very few who actually mean it and who will not stare in horror at you when you spill your heart upon an alter in offering or who won't understand and who will instead start calling 911 out of fear or some wrongly placed moral idea. Jenn however, was one such person who I could tell anything to and not feel anything accept empathy. I miss that, I miss her. I miss her.
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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