Ravyn's Writings - 2003

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Ravyn's Writings - 2003

Post by LJAmara » Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:46 pm

Acting Out

is it the child's fault
if he is acting out
what he experiences at home?
or the parent's fault
for giving the child
these concepts
of how things are?
i don't blame him
he is only six
but he is an abuser in training now
i know who to blame
name, address, phone number
and to be quite honest
that scares the hell out of me
i never really knew
until a few days ago
how vicious i can be
when it comes to the safety
of my child
or how fast and how strong
all those old feelings
can return to their old places
i don't yet know
how long they will stay


you hold me in thrall
although you are years
and miles away
but i can feel you
through these cravings
for what has been

how can i allow this?
to be entrapped once more
within your grasp
deranged pleasures
through my soul
pull me ... taunt me

'can't you see how wrong this is?'
can't you feel how i long for this?
'don't you know there are
better ways to express
i can and i do but
cravings take control

tonight, enraptured
within the arms of my love
but there you stood
by the bed side
as the light of the moon
paled into a miasma of loathing

and shuddering alone
between the walls of my mind
i tried to cast you out
but instead you won
and the smell of flesh
upon the fire pervades my being

and now, an age ago
you held me entrapped
yet here you are
haunting me with your lusts
will you take me to coda
as i play addolorato?

And Such Is Fate

red haze along the horizon
and the purple of twilight
tinges my face a deathlike hue
as i sit on the porch
and the irises sway
in the gentle evening breeze
but i pay them no heed
my gaze is fixed
one might say fixated
on my wrists
held before me
eyes tracing the diagonals
of rebuilt flesh
not so gentle reminders
of where i come from
and where i am going to
squirrels chatter
as the dog runs manically
tree to tree in hopes
of catching one unawares
but still my gaze is held
how long has it been?
an eternity it would seem
since the life bearing fluid
poured from these openings
ten years, ten thousand
a million lifetimes and more
yet here they remain
to remind me of that which was
that which is, and that which
will someday be
and such is fate


you fly in filled with
your own greatness
self importance
yet never give a name
you make your deposit
and drift away

in your mind
i'm sure you are right
self righteous
yet you can't leave behind
a note to say 'hi'
just low-vote

i'm fairly certain
you do this to fill some void
within yourself
ease your own turmoil
by spreading it around
but without courage

i have one thing to say
and i hope you come around
again today
perhaps we shall meet
if not i'll have to tell you
to fuck off

Ashes Over Kenosha

eventually it will happen, love
you know as well as i
when it does i want no grieving
no final resting place, no flowers
take me up to our special place
just you and the girls
make small the fire and remember
the good times and the bad
the joy and the sorrow
then spread the ashes
over kenosha that i love
that i might ever linger there
whatever happens betwixt then and now
always remember that you, love
have brought unending happiness
to a soul shrouded in despair

Asmodeus Laughs

spread forth your dark wings
hide me deep within their folds
turn my heart to ice

At the End of the Day

diaphanous wisps trail
like a vaprous bridal veil
atop billowing towers
glowing orange
as the sun points
fading fingers
and out of the corner of my eye
flashes burst white hot
amidst the black shroud above
seventy-one crows
fly out of the south-east
yes i counted every one
fluttering black speckles
upon the pinkening backdrop
and the cottonball tower
becomes a glowing ember
alight from within
edges all aglow, blushing
like a virgin bride
veil trailing detached
breaks apart and drifts
as another glaring white flash
bursts within the wall
of blackness to the south
the breeze lifts my hair
caresses my cheek
before passing on
following the crows perhaps
as the ember fades out
alit no more
so i say good bye
to another day

Black Friday

(An ode to the closed minded self centered homophobic bastards
at pathetic.org ... I'm sure you know who you are)

They were much like family
All those strangers
I admired them all
Although they never really knew it
Evenings spent
Reading their thoughts
Sharing their hopes
Their turmoils
Sharing a small part
Of my own with them
Glimpses into hell

Black Friday
Brought anger
Resentment and hate
Spreading unabated
Like wildfire
Consuming all in its path
Friends and foes
We choose sides
Take jabs at one another
Until the only ones
Left standing
Stand crippled
Leaning upon their crutches

Picking up pieces
Of our shattered selves
We see the reflections
And they are blackened
Charred by our own fires
Lit in anger
Until nothing but ash remains
Still we scoop the ashes
And try to bring back
The family that was
But it is no more
Strangers who
Were once friends
All darkened
All charred beyond recognition

You realize
There is no going back
No return to normalcy
Because it still lurks
Below the surface
Almost intangible
Yet always felt
Now do you live
With the loathsome undercurrents?
Or do you move on?

Book of Hope

i once looked out upon the land
and wondrous fair it seemed
flowers raising their heads
to catch the sun-drops
and life was all i had ever dreamed

again i looked but shadows
had fallen dark upon the glade
green withered and browned
and fled from my gaze
and life was death without her shroud

so i vowed to find that greenery
that once i knew so well
and though for years i sought
all became more barren still
hope scurried from my side

within the musty dungeon walls
in the castle of the king of pain
shackled and chained, fading sight
a flicker just beyond my grasp
but the images remained

flying through the darkest night
eastward with the rising wind
to yet another wasteland
hope ahead, i fell behind
within the corridors of my mind

and there i found a tiny piece
of that long ago paradise
with trembling hand i reached
fearing illusion, pulling back
before touching disappointment

but you reached out for my fleeing hand
and caught it up and held it firm
kissing away the fears and tears
of life upon the vagabond trail
opening once again the book of hope

today i smiled as you laughed
and we cried together and i sighed
to love another so completely
is a strange thing to me, and yet
i would trade for nothing in this world

(for lisa, my love, my light, my "book of hope")

Boys Are Yucky

A finger traces a scar
down a cheek
and touches a soul
from two into four
how time changes a life
"Mommy? How did that happen?"
"It's a long story, dear.
It happened a long time ago."
"Was it a car wreck?"
"No, honey, it was
a man with a knife."
"Boys are yucky aren't they?"
How do I answer that question?
Yes, boys are yucky.
They grow to be men,
and men are yucky too, love.
I don't want to influence you
negatively, but
how do I go about explaining
what men are to me?
"Boys aren't so bad honey.
Someday you may even like one
and you'll get married and have
a family of your own.
Give it time dear,
you have a lot of that ahead of you.
For now, boys can be yucky."
"I don't think I'll ever get married.
Ucky yucky icky sticky!"
"That's fine honey.
Just keep your options open."

Cancerous Messiah

standing tall amongst your followers
pointing fingers stained in blood
at the homos
the protestors
the pagans
the 'different'
denounce them all
the ones who differ
in appearance
in beliefs
in lifestyle
call up your own
rightness in your
blinded by lightness
but never make any attempt
to understand
cast them away from you
for they are evil
in your mind
but the greatest evil
is to do harm
and what do you think
you do with your words?

Cliff Of Destiny: Revisited

up the coast highway once again
driving this time, not walking
very little is recognizable
passing little towns where
i had scrounged through trash
hiding from rain
hiding ...
hiding from
much more than rain
and what good did all the
hiding and running
do me in the end?
people read my words
and say i am strong
but i know the truth there
i have seen true courage
during the past week
my pitiful little show of strength
is but a shadow of hers
i see the place now
my cliff of destiny as it were
where i was told
by an unseen guide
which path i must choose
she parks at the fort
with a hug she tells me
'go, find your peace
or your demon, whichever
it may be. i'll be here.'

a mile back south down the road
it still looks the same
scrub grass and sea birds
squabbling over some carrion
wind blowing into my face
as i walk out to the brink
my cliff of destiny
where now is the messenger?
i want to tell her
she was wrong, yet she was right
softly spoken words
fall from my lips
blown off by the wind
'i know you are listening.
you sent me away from here
into a world of hate and
defilement. a world of
evil and depravity.
why? was i such a horrible thing?
did i need to be taught another lesson?
was it like the good christians say?
god tests you to find
how strong your faith is?
well, god or whoever you are
have you seen enough?
you tested my faith and i rejected you
and all your earthly holy houses
and your dogma spouting serfs.
are you satisfied now?
is there more to come?
answer me damnit!'

wind sighs through the scrub grass
birds cry, fly and peck
at the lump of stuff at
the foot of the cliff below
still i stand and, silent now,
waves roll in endlessly
and i think
i am like the sand
tossed around by
the waves, moved from
one place to another
piled up, torn down
piled up again in another place
always at the will of
some other force
but do i have to be the sand?
could i not, instead, be
the waves?
no, that would mean
carelessly moving, piling
changing the sand
but ...
what if ...
i could be both sand and wave?
not being controlled by some
outer force, nor subjecting
something else to my will
but freely working as one
to create ...
something new
i ponder this as i turn away
from my cliff of destiny
not sure if i have gotten my answer
but feeling like
i am on the right path

a mile back up the road
she waits, smiling
i take her hand in mine
return the smile
kiss her once, briefly
'let's go home'

Did You Find Everything Ok?

i saw you again yesterday
at the checkstand as the cashier
scanned your loathsome box
of cigars and some batteries
your blond hair was a little longer
but it still didn't cover up
that mole there on your cheek
and just as the clerk passed back
the change you glanced
in my direction and i slipped
out of reality to the floor
to writhe in the muck of the
barnyard where the horses
run wild and the smell of
pork in the open pit
chokes me with its stench
blood and urine crusted
mashed potato gravy with
corn cob pipings of
demon wrought misogyny
sucks the life from my being
and leaves me trembling as
the voice inside my head
becomes louder asking ... asking
'did you find everything ok?'


'til death, my love
isn't that what they say?
you and i, love
shall we let a little thing
like death come between us?
no, i think not
after all, death comes so soon
and we have

Falling Away

suspend the moment by a heart string
to dance fluttering in the wind
let it fall to be swept away
into the nothingness of time's chasm
in darkness entombed
forever lost
no one stops to lay flowers
near the headstone

Fly High, Free Spirit

you were always alone
no matter who was with you
lived life on your own terms
breaking from the norm
how i wish i could have done more
but i know that you would not have let me
you always needed
to do it all yourself
and that's ok
that's a good way
to live life
when i think of you i remember
the times we shared
just sitting and
speaking of what could be
what has been
what is now
fly on, free spirit
fly to the heights
that never seemed possible
when you were on the ground
illness held you down
but you are free
you let loose my thoughts
and touched my soul
and i hate to let you go
but these things are not
for us to choose
so fly on, fly high
to where ever souls may go
i smile when i
picture you
but somehow
i can't keep these tears
from my eyes


(Revised 5/23/03)

(An ode to my 'safe place')

Footsteps through mountain meadows
Lead to a peaceful glen
Where deer graze, chipmunks play
In and around the trees

Blue turns grey, cold falling water
Darkened skies and flashes
Loud rumblings through canyons
All traces washed away

Darkness travels on at last
to run storm's errands
Distant peaks yet untouched by
Uncaring fingers of fire

Light returns to the meadow
Peaceful is the glen
Where deer graze, chipmunks play
In and around the trees

Now the footsteps lead away
Back from whence they came
Unwillingly I plot my course
Back down to reality

Happy Little Poetess

now i see
how it needs to be
and what others
think of me

turn a blind eye
let it slide by
and on the inside
quietly die

no outpouring of hate
just contemplate
on being pleasant
too little too late

talk of blue sky
birds on the fly
happy little poetess
am i


long bladed hunting knife
bone handle
moving back and forth
across the whet stone

rain falling in the dark
dim reflections
in puddles near the verge
between the car and the fence

beer bottles lining
coffee table
men shouting at television sports
before the real games begin

blanket of snow covering
dirty streets
rusted wire fences protecting
a truck tire shop near a bridge

wind swept cliffs looming
over oceans
jagged rocks and seagulls
and the voice of an angel

they flit randomly through
my mind
reminding me that all i am
is a jumbled collection

In Between Living and Dying

hands upon the hilts grasping
at reality trying to hold
my head in my hands
slap my skin and knives slice
the bread and pass the
intersection where you were supposed to turn
around so i can hit you again in the face
to face with my mother and sorrow pours
the tea into tiny cups upon fragile saucers
flying in the night skitter back and forth
time this month you have made me give
me the roadmap please i need to find
out why the stars always seem to shine
that light over here charlie, i think there's
a monster in my closet please don't turn out the light
up another cigarette and sigh as the hot coal singes skin
another potato dear we need at least five
more days and i can get away for the
life of me i don't understand what happened
to the world i used
it last night while looking at the moon's eyes
stare at the luminous tube as it starts
the car engine, bringing it to life roaring
lions lying upon rocks
backwards and forwards, stifling
hot for february don't you think
about the family who love you
can't make the horse drink
another glass of wine waiting for the soup to cool
digs ya got here but the odor of trash is kind of strong
arms wrap about me and i shudder
as the frosted wind promises snow and ice
cream cones and popsicles so sweet
thyme and sage mixed together
you and i for life
is what you create in between
living and dying

Into the Cyclone

shrieking of rising winds
echoing through cold halls
empty chambers where
once happiness dwelt
now swept by the gale
remnants of a past epoch
torn from their moorings
upon a mosaic of tiles,
broken, jagged
crimson footprints tread
lightly down the chute
blown by the gusts
of yester-eve
spinning, crashing
through mirrors of ice
twisted and broken
as her life
yet she laughs
as she slips through
the tatters of reality
and plunges headlong
into the cyclone

Light Me

stumbling across the alley
as the streetlights play
hide n seek with each other
coughing into a closed fist
as my eyes run their course
down my stained cheeks

corner lamp post leaning
slightly to the left as
the passersby chant in
their unintelligible language
i hold my passport tightly
within stained hands

can i tell you how it feels
to be ever on the outside?
or will you smile your crooked smile
and flag down a cab to take you
to the borders of reality
away from my stained soul

setting filter to lips so
my words come out correctly
i wouldn't want you to get
the wrong impression of
my dishonest intentions or
a glimpse at my stained heart

drag me along behind you
and we play cat and mouse
as the vultures circle above
my wrist shakes again when
looking into your eyes
all i wanted was a light

Never Knowing

my little love i don't know how
i can carry on this way
sometimes as i look at you
i see his face returning my gaze
but more worrying still, dear one
when you speak, at times
i hear my own words come forth
and it is a terrifying thing
i have said to myself numerous times
that i am glad you will never know
the man who donated the sperm
which led to your being
but lately i have been considering
that perhaps never knowing your mother
would have been just as beneficial


swirling clouds
like a nightshade
overtake my vision
coalesce within my mind
taking me back
to places i never wish
to see again

clotted blood marks the time
tick tocking endlessly
making trails of burnt flesh
seem like summer lilacs
blooming over the crypt
of my soul

take the antidote
bitter poison
days long past
night goes on
the light is leached out
and all that is left
is darkness

and the fluttering
that you hear
is my soul
bidding you


visage from the crypt
facing the rising sun
blood red and bloated
marking a new day
full of torment and despair
capturing my thoughts
loathsome and darkling
winging them aloft
clutched in the vulture's talons
holding them suspended
dangling from the gibbet
as warmth flows
red from my opened wrists
down upon my soul
shriveled and damned
i close my eyes
let the pain wash over me
and slip away once again
for the last time

Ode to an Excitable Boy

from the south american jungles
to the streets of soho
there is mourning
roland would bow his head
were such an appendage upon his shoulders
so he lowers his thompson in reverence

the meticulously coiffured lycanthrope
sets aside his pina colada
makes a special visit to his sartor
for a suit fit for the solemn occasion
and enters the chapel arm in arm
with her royal majesty

in the house as it burned down
smoke damaged, gasping, ravaged
by choices made and actions taken
all the lawyers, guns and money
in the world could not suffice
when the price is life

Only One

out of the blue
of a clear winter's day
doubled over in agony
festering poisons
puss inflamed
lying back upon
paper sheets
as the slow drip
brings nothingness
and the blade flashes
releasing the flow
yet ceasing my body's vengeance
upon my cowering soul
leaving me quivering
drug induced stupor
until the past is washed away
and i lie within my own
sweat soaked sheets
thanking the creator of all
that i have only one
and now it is gone

Packing For My Guilt Trip

twas so kind of you
to book this adventure
for one as undeserving as i
how exciting to see
these old places i used to live
exotic names like remorse
stigma, and onus
now i sit on the edge of my bed
making a list of the things
i will need to take with me
i have my infamy and contrition
and two sets of iniquity
my extra pair of peccability
and my best self-reproach
a large bottle of malfeasance
(after all, it's a vacation!)
but i've decided to leave
my attrition at home
it won't be needed
since i will be staying
at a nice hotel called
the rueful inn
in a quiet seaside town
called compunction
i'll be sure to send you
a postcard

Passing Storms and Lingering Tempests

i speak to them
but i'm not really there
so they never hear
i leave them small messages
which only i can see
because i exist on another plane
and the crossing over is very hard
i can change these lines
a thousand times in a day
and no one will notice
transparent words on
translucent pages
they are only real here, with me
i, however, can't seem to shut out
the constant babble of voices
coming through the walls and
up from the heater ducts
chanting their endless litany
as i brace my mind against them
lying on my bed of eiderdown
counting winged reptiles
that drift in and out of
my eyeless sockets
prompting me to wonder
at which point
does insanity claim you
or more importantly
at which point
do you embrace the madness?

Set Me Free

wrapped in your smugness
you sit there awaiting the outcome
and i watch you
delving deep into my feelings
the old ones
and waiting to see
what new ones might come forth
the hate and revulsion
seem to be fading
flying away
recognition lights your eyes
and you smile
that old hated smile
the one that used to make me
tremble with terror
but that also seems to have
faded away
leaving ...
pity ... yes i pity you
such a wretched creature you are
preying on innocence
thinking yourself immune
but caught finally
in your own snare
still i watch you
hours drift by
among the pleadings and the
bickerings and i find
that in my heart a new feeling
strange ... yet somehow comforting
is forming there
people begin filing out
and i find myself
moving against the flow
to where you stand now
turned towards me
and watching as i approach
your eyes hard
bitter in your loss
you start to speak but
i have already said
the last three words
i will ever say to you
probably the strangest words
i have ever spoken
in my life
they surprise me still
and yet they have set me free

'i forgive you'

Sinking Ships

midday dream
a silent scream
pass unnoticed
into extreme

loosening grips
reality slips
sliding under
like sinking ships

Sister To Sister

how can i say how sorry i am
for leaving you there
how can i make you understand
the position i was in
i realize now that i don't have to
because you have learned yourself
first hand
and if i could i would take it all back
i would stay and suffer it all again
to shield you from him
i hoped that with me gone
that he would change
but people like him never change annie
i know that now
i hope you can forgive me

The Bridge

rusting wire caught frozen
in the twisting dance

a blanket of purest white
masked the approach in bitter

broken glass and stones
strewn about like

november's breath caresses
my skin with numbing

a single wall behind
concrete ceiling, stone pillars
antebellum grandeur

rumbling and shaking beneath
the weight of behemoths
running errands

knife blade of stone
pierces the skin of my back

years later passing to see
my mansion of weeks lies beneath
the bridge

The Next To Go

don't say it
the ears have walls
anything you say can
be used by others
in secret potions mixed
in old coffee cans
over sterno fires
in the back alleys of your mind

keep silent
minds are terrible things
and someday someone
may actually use theirs
catastrophe in the making
when they find out you have
thoughts of your own
and they might be a little different

walk with me
take this urn filled with
the ashes of those who have
come and gone before you
climb up the highest peak
and lift the lid
scatter them with the wind
but keep their memories close within

if they find out you mourn them
you may be the next to go

The One True God

they tell me it's all about love
being kind and understanding
giving of yourself to those
less fortunate than you
the words are good, the actions
never seem to materialize
did they forget or were they lies?
i wonder how many of them
have ever stopped and spoken
with the beggar in the park
or the woman with the shopping cart
containing her life's belongings
how many of them have said lately
let's waste saddam hussein
and osama bin laden
or are the two the same?
and then went into church on sunday
praising the great prince of peace
let's spark riots with our bigotry
televised for the world to see
let's blame every other religion
let's blame the gays and the abortionists
let's blame the israelis and palestinians
let's blame the arabs and their oil
let's blame anyone except ourselves
or our own religious beliefs
but i say why not blame religion?
after all, isn't that where true bigotry
and prejudice really begin?
and in the end how many will die
for the sake of answering that final, age old
which one of them is the one true god?

The Pillar

standing tall and proud
the pillar of society
wreathed in fronds of respect
clasps his hands about her throat
'accidents happen'
and the pillar falls
with a deafeningly silent roar

Time To Fly

ebon wings furled
clipped, tethered
she waits in the darkness
of her thought

soon to take flight
beside the falcon
long journey into
the land of shadows

the mistress of silver
places about her neck
an emblem of hope
of peace for the future

the wolf howls
strong encouragement
lending strength and wisdom
for the trials ahead

wings unfurled at last
the west wind in her eyes
fear and misgivings
but her duty clear

taking the hand
of the mistress of silver
kisses her cheek
and vows to keep hope

turning to the wolf
she smiles as she hugs him
champion, greatheart
her tears fall free

at last she is ready
places her hand in
the hand of the falcon
'my love, tis time to fly'

Toxic Tinkerbelle

can i hold it all together
for just a little while longer?
watch the world spin crazily
as my heart leaps out of my skin

fairie dusted tales of youth
coming back to haunt me now
tiny wings beating against my mind
neverland waits for me

i must have made a wrong turn
past that second star
for as i went straight on
morning never came again

Upon A Star

as daylight fades and darkness falls
you shine above so bright
i have but one remaining wish
to ask of you tonight
when i go a'journeying
across the sund'ring sea
please look upon my lovéd ones
and keep them safe for me

i must depart these bitter shores
that i have called my home
for i am called, my master's voice
does beckon me to roam
never to return again
for such is not my doom
so watch them, guard them, hold them dear
as flowers they will bloom

in growing tall and wise and fair
someday to understand
why i could not tarry there
and share their fairy land
and so to you i send this wish
my master calls to me
to bide there in unending peace
beyond the sund'ring sea


The sea rose up to meet me
Crashing its waves against the jagged rocks
Making its voice heard for miles around
I stood raptly watching the waves
Receding, then crashing back against cold stone
Each time taking a little bit of the rock with it
Back out into the depths
I marveled at how the force of the water
Could break down the cold hard stone
And yet, it all made sense to me
For after all, haven't the people in my life lately
Been like waves crashing against the cold stone
Of my own inner walls of self defense?
Breaking them down little by little
Speck by speck
Until I stand naked on the headland
gazing out at the ocean
Welcoming the crashing waves
Letting them wash over me
Around me and through me

Where Once Were Four

as a whirlwind you came
blowing before you
the tatters of our lives
like discarded candy wrappers
lifted and twirled about
then sent flying
across vacant lots
brown with the bleakness
of cold november

unwelcome guest
casting about you
the grief that defines
who you are
single-minded of purpose
to defile all that is good
in the murky tainted water
you have left behind
we now must bathe

soon now you will go
blown upon charnel gusts
that bespeak your legacy
taking with you
our hopes and dreams
you grasp the remnants
of our lives, ginning
where once were four
three only remain

White and Grey

i lay on my back
and held my breath just so
as i floated into the tube
but i felt as if
i was losing touch
with my body again
rushing down corridors
of white and grey
as the i.v. drips
and the world slips
away ...

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