Ravyn's Writings - 2000

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Clearwater Poet
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Tag line: Muddling through
Location: Colorado

Ravyn's Writings - 2000

Post by LJAmara » Wed Aug 01, 2012 12:59 am

A Man I Know

A man I know just asked me out
To dinner and a play
He is a nice enough man, I suppose
But how can I tell him
How I feel, how I have lived
The countless tortures I have endured
At the hands of men
The pain and scars I hide inside
That keep me from being
A part of the main stream
He says to take my time
Think about it for a day or two
After all, it isn't until Saturday night
I have thought about it
And thought about it
And thought about it some more
And I still come back to the same brick wall
The hate and the fear and the loathing
Sweep over me in huge drowning waves
Almost making me nauseous with their intensity
How can I tell him that the thought of him touching me
Makes me retch
That the thought of him kissing me
Makes my throat lock and my breath stop
That I would rather kiss a pig
Have my blood devoured by a hundred leaches
Have my body run over by a semi truck
(over and over and over and over)
Rather than spend an hour alone
In the company of a man

An Old Friend

We were friends
She and I
supported each other
kept each other sane
I think of her often
of where she may be now
of what roads she may have travelled
since we parted so long ago
Now I have others in my life
friends, a child, a lover
but I still find myself thinking
about an old friend

Crimson Cyclone

gusting winds
flay skin from bone
blood for blood
unending dance
life seeps into the ground
to spring up again
after the last frost
caressed by gentle breezes
until once again
gusting winds rise
giving voice to
the crimson cyclone

Crystalline Illusions

snowflakes dance around my face
creating crystalline illusions
that hold me entranced, bemused
and send my thoughts off
to another realm, a world of bliss
where two can be one
where three can be whole
where love and life are all that matter
and my crystalline illusions
become diamond reality


you look down upon me
with your disapproving frown
if i said i didn't mean it
i would be lying
and i suppose that hurts
almost as much

i am good at hurting others
perhaps you never knew
it started as a shield
and now it just comes naturally
so much so that
i can maim you without even trying

some truths are never meant to be spoken
some are true only as long as you believe
i can only know what i know
and guess at the rest
but that isn't good enough
so i quit the game before i lose it all

for a thousand souls
a hundred lost friends
a million apologies
will never be enough
when comes the time
to clean up the blood

First Kiss

Browsing through the writings
questioning the meanings
she looks up from the page
a smile upon her lips as she asks
'Is this one about me?'
Glancing over at what she is reading
I see a poem I wrote two weeks before
confessing the growing feelings
and confusion surrounding them in my heart
after seeing the concern and compassion
in her eyes when she spoke to me,
touched me softly, fingers tracing the scars.
I look into her eyes
hope and fear mingled together
in a dance of torment in my mind
and say simply 'Yes'
She stands before me pulling me to my feet
arms surround me, trembling
as she confesses the feelings growing
inside her own heart, we part
at the door, our first kiss
light, gentle yet filled with a fire
that threatens to consume me
then she is gone, I stand breathless
hope swelling in my breast
making me feel light headed
I sink into my chair, closing my eyes
and remind myself to breathe


Floating freely on the wind
restlessly searching
finding, meeting, becoming one
Love and acceptance
new and welcome concepts
Torture has passed
peace and hope abound
Laughing, free spirited
the soul flies on
no longer searching
but reveling in the new found treasures
pleasures beyond perception
coming gently and lovingly
making me feel

Hope, In Hopelessness, Will Ever Shine

the path led ever down
hopeless spirals
until all was darkness
life was constant agony
there were times when
to let it all go
would have been
the greatest of relief
yet i held on
because of that faint
miniscule glimmer
called hope
and even after all hope had fled
still it shone on
guiding me subconsciously
through the demon's lair
and finally into the daylight
to be bathed in love
showered in laughter
cleansed of the taintings
of life


Sands of time fall slowly
through the hourglass of my mind
as the wind swirls through the blood-shot mists
that cover my eyes, making me blind
to a love that I want so much
but am so afraid of.
Why should I fear being happy?
Why does it seem so impossible
to have a life of joy and gentle loving?
Wiping away the smears of blood from my eyes
I see my heart is already lost to her
as I knew it would be from the start
from that first gentle touch and kind word.
And the sands fall slowly
piling up at the bottom, but I can't see
how much is left at the top

House Of Cards

Emotions in turmoil
at odds with myself
an impasse
which way do I go from here?
On the one hand, loneliness
On the other, damnation
so I sit here in the middle
going neither right nor left
I had built up my walls
made them strong and thick
sealed with blood and tears
and the inevitable pound of flesh
(ok, so it was only a few ounces)
bricks made of pain and horror
the stones of guilt and sorrow
all piled one atop the other
until the walls were so high
I couldn't see
beyond what was my reality
then along you came
and with one quick sweep of your hand
you have demolished
my house of cards


Warmth overflowing
senses all a-quiver
gasping with pleasure
new sensations
almost overwhelming
rapid pulse
heavy breathing
sweat slicked bodies
pressed together
I have never been
so happy


Had any lately?
Know what it is?
Does it make you smile?
Make you laugh?
Fill your heart with joy?
When you find love
You will know what it is.
You will know if it is returned.
By the way their eyes light up
When they see you.
By the way you feel
When you touch.
By the way you know that
You will do anything in the world
For each other.
By the way you can't wait
Until you are together again
Even if you have only been apart
For a few hours.
By the way that you always want
More time together.
More soft kisses and warm embraces.
More quiet conversations,
Heads together.
Smiles for one another.
Laughter and tears
All shared between you.
If this is what love is
I never want to stop loving
Or I will lose all hope and
Slip into despair

Make Up

in the quiet of early dawn
i unlock the sealed chest
and examine the contents
taking them one by one
and placing them on the table before me
synthetic locks to fall upon my shoulders
and hide my blemished face
glass marble eyes for the world to see
and protect my fragile mind
plasticine smile frozen in place
to cover the perpetual frown
and the gown of indifference
to shield my vulnerable soul
from the callousness of humanity
now i am ready
to face another day


She lies in my arms
helpless, yet comforted by
my warmth and touch
suckles at my scarred breast
not knowing or caring
about the mad flight from terror
to save her life
just becoming aware of
her own life
she learns to hold her head up
something I wish I could do
rolls herself over front to back
back to front
giggles and coos
even cries (late at night
colic, she sleeps
only in the swing)
I get so tired but
it is all worth it
every moment
She learns to crawl
moving back and forth
I want to help her but
I know that wouldn't really
help her
she must do it on her own
as I did
as I am doing still
She experiments with sounds
making nonsense words
that only she understands
Standing now
on her own two feet
unsteady, rocking
back and forth
getting up again
determined to succeed
crying in frustration
at repeated failure
I understand, little one,
how that feels
From standing to walking
tentative steps
from walking to running
learning balance
learning words that
aren't incomprehensible
to others, but have meaning
they become clearer each day
putting sentences together
she amazes me
she learns so fast
she is independent
she has weaned herself
before she could walk
she will take no pacifier
never has, never will
spits them out immediately
feeds herself (messily)
wants no help
becoming more and more
confident in herself
she has gone from staring raptly
at the television
as her movie plays
to analyzing the characters
finding every minute detail
pointing them all out to me
making sure I know
what color
what shape
how large
how small
the action
the emotion
explains them to me
in ways I have never considered
can it be that she is not yet
turned three years old
and is rivaling her mother
in intelligence?
I think I am going to be
in a lot of trouble
if I don't keep up with her
inquisitive nature
and thirst for knowledge

Mind Spasms

Stepping off the edge of memories
falling weightless into the depths
slow motion grasping nothing
tumbling, screaming, crying
tears of blood roll silently
burning skin like acid
huddled in the corner
of the bathroom floor
door locked voices calling
pleading, loving, but so distant
naked and alone as before
shuddering misery eats away
tomorrow's promise
replaces it with yesterday's agony
knowing doesn't help at all
remembering is all that is left
until the shadows pass at last
door opens, arms enfold
tears and weakness lying on the bed
together, guilt on one side
concern on the other

Outsider Inside

Family gathered around the table
a mother and father, two sisters
two aunts and an uncle
Decorations adorn the table
not the gawdy tasteless frill
but pleasant and relatively plain
I feel both as an outsider
and welcomed as part of this family
A child's smile fills the room with light
reflected by the smile of a mother to be
There is food here as I have not seen
in years of lonely existing,
years of turkey pot pies
and deli bought scraps,
of pulling half eaten remains
from the trash bins of people
who I would never meet, never see
and who would never see me
even if I stood before them
Remembrance of those long ago seeming days
collide within my mind and the shards fall
soundlessly to the bottom of my soul
as the blessing is spoken
and the meal is consumed
She takes my hand and smiles
a question in her eyes
as she brushes away
the falling tear from my cheek
I merely shake my head, return the smile
and eat the most wonderful meal
I have ever had in my life
while inside I am hoping against hope
that there will be many more of these,
Thanksgivings yet to come


deep inhalation of breath
shuddering exhale
cold sweats hands shake
mind racing through
old memories, ancient myths
was it real or imagined?
can't even tell anymore
let it flow
tumbling words
falling in cascade
my own voice grows dim bile spewing forth
wracked with agony
spasms convulsions exhalations
ripping them out heedlessly
casting them on the floor
stains on the carpet
she gasps in ... what?
dismay? disbelief?
no ... disgust
the same disgust i hold myself in
as i lay here on this couch
and she sits
pen in hand floating above
the yellow notepad
and i wonder to myself
after all is said and done
who will clean up this mess?


It seemed to come as such a surprise
Now I know where I belong
Now I can let my emotions run free
Now I can feel love for another
Without fear or regret
Now I can accept the love of another
Completely and without reservation
She lights up my life so brightly
Stirs feelings I thought to be dead
But deep down inside my tattered soul
I guess I always knew

Seven Days

Day one: Blackness surrounds with a charnel odor
Tombstones leaning at awkward angles
Jagged teeth waiting to gnaw on the unsuspecting

Day two: Twelve years and mature
Made a woman unwillingly, prematurely
Aborted hopes and dreams still haunt with unseeing eyes

Day three: Lost and alone in the world of shadows
Friends made and taken away by violence
Finding solace in the liquid and the powder

Day four: A ray of sunshine melts away some of the clouds
Hope returns, if only for a short while
Love endures though distance may be great between

Day five: Running breathless through the night
Escaping one demon only to be caught by another
The nightmares begin for real

Day six: Release from bondage and torment by a child unborn
Carrying her away from the madness and depravity
Bearing the fruits of labors and finding joy

Day seven: Love finds its way back to a bruised and bloodied heart
Peace and hope shine bright as the sun
A new life begun, a new world to see

Tomorrow's forecast: Warm and snuggly


I watch as she swims the length of the pool
Her lithe body moving gracefully
Long legs kicking in rhythm
I admire her strength
She has become my friend
We talk about life and it's perils
I haven't yet told her about my past
But I will, I have to
I am feeling so confused inside right now
Like I am beginning to awake from a dream
Ever since she reached out her hand
And touched my scarred and twisted cheek
The look in her eyes at that moment
Almost tore my heart in two
I can't believe what is happening to me
I think I am falling in love....

The Change

I am filled with wonder
at how quickly and completely
the change has come
It is like it has never been any different
and yet it is all so new

The Maelstrom

The whirlwind of emotion sweeps me up
I go willingly into the heart of the maelstrom
Eyes wide open, not wanting to miss anything
Heart beating wildly
Breath quickening
I let myself ride the wind
Up and up, ever higher
Until sleep finally takes me
In the morning we part
With a soft kiss and warm embrace
Knowing we will be together again

The Mirror

There is a mirror on the wall
I used to pass it by without a glance
sometimes I would look but never for long
It wasn't the scars on the outside
that made me stay away
but the ones on the inside
that I could see when I looked into my own eyes
I used to wear dark glasses
so no one could see my eyes
so no one could look into my soul
and see the devastation buried there
I used to let my hair hang in my face
sort of a shield against the world
If they can't see me I will be okay
Today I looked into the mirror on the wall
I looked for a long time
and I saw that the scars are fading away
not on the outside, they will be there always
but on the inside where it counts the most
I think I will look in the mirror again

The Walk

I walked to school in the mornings
I walked home in the afternoons
I walked all over town seeking shelter
I walked from town to town, city to city
I walked the streets
I walked alone, always alone
I walked for a good part of my life
How many miles? How many days, months?
I can't say, it's all a blur
faded out by the time between
I walked most of the way from
southern California to Oregon
with a few side trips thrown in
I grew very weary of the road
weary of life
I thought of ending it more than a few times
but I always walked on up the road
Now I walk in the park
I walk at the zoo
I walk with my daughter
I walk with my lover
I could walk another thousand miles
and never grow weary of the road
because I have two wonderful people
who walk beside me always
and remind me that from now on
I will never walk alone

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