Ravyn's Writings - 1999

[LJAmara]

A Matter Of Perspective

I look at the world and see
Darkness and deception
Pain and hate
Vultures hovering, waiting
To scour my bones clean of flesh

You look at the world and see
Sunlight and truth
Serenity and love
Sparrows flying gracefully, anticipating
The joy of a new day

It is just a matter of perspective


A Pale Horse

Death rides a pale horse
and his visage is horrible to behold
When you look into those eyeless sockets
and see yourself reflected back
you know that you are
In very deep shit


Age

The carefree days of youth
have all passed me by.
Gone are the games and the small joys
Gone are the friends and the family
Gone are the streets of my remembrance
All gone, wiped away by time
Aged and wrinkled with a touch of grey
Body bent from pain and toil
tired from the burden of life
So many things have happened
So many things I have seen
So many pains and wrongs
Weighing upon my spirit
dragging me down, slowing my mind
Until I begin to wonder if I will live to see
my twenty-third birthday.


Another Sweet And Sour Dream

You came to me again last night
Quieting my fears and bringing me joy
Kissing away the pain of lost years
Holding me in your soft embrace

When I woke up you were gone
But that is only because you were never here
You were only in my mind and in my heart
Another sweet and sour dream

(I love you Lexie)


Cover Me In Clover

Wretchedness fear and pain
fill my soul and cloud my mind
exhaustion consumes my will
leaving only dismembered shadows
of my self
Where have I gone?
I can't seem to find
any meaning for this
life ... ?
If this is life then give me death
draw the shroud 'round
make it tight
hide me in its depths
drop me six feet
and cover me in clover


Death Of An Innocent

'Please put the gun away'
she asked over the phone
so many miles between them
and yet her voice touched him
in that special place that
only they two knew and shared
'ok' he said with a heavy sigh
the weight of the world sitting
heavily upon his shoulders
no longer a boy, not yet a man
and still so much pain and anguish
that it cannot be dealt with
in a normal fashion
maybe if his parents had
listened to him once in a while
instead of ignoring him and
making him feel worthless, unloved
perhaps if things at work had been better
or if he hadn't made that wrong turn
wrecked the car and gotten the tickets
the fines, the embarrassment
piled atop the despair and the anguish
'promise me you won't pick it up again, ok?'
she pleads with him, wishing she were
closer, why did she let her parents
talk her into coming here, so far away
from the one person in the world
who needs her the most right now
tears fall onto the phone
slowly rolling across the plastic
and dropping to the floor
hundreds of miles away, more tears
falling on another phone
landing on another floor
in an empty house
on an empty street
from an empty heart
'i promise' he says, picking up the gun
after all, what else is there?
how can one live with so much pain,
humiliation, torment, anguish
just a smile from mom
a 'job well done' from dad
just one thing may have
turned this whole thing around
'ok, goodnight. I love you'
but in her heart she knows
that she is never going to hear his voice
see his face, feel his touch
ever again
and in his mind, he is doing her a favor
cutting her loose
from this loser of a man-child
this worthless nobody
'I love you too'
*click* as the line goes dead
so also go his fingers, dead,
around the hand-grip
index pressed to the trigger
places the barrel against his flesh
tears squeeze through his clenched eyelids
and, seconds later, it is done
no one hears, no one sees, no one cares
except this one young girl
hundreds of miles away
who cries out in the torment of her own mind
'WHAT DO I DO? WHO DO I CALL?
HOW DO I STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING?'
but already she knows it is too late
even as she asks advice of others
in her heart, she knows
and now it is killing her .....


Do You Know Me?

If I asked you if you knew me
What would be your reply?
If you saw me on the street today
would you stop and say hi?

If I was hungry and had nothing
would you offer any bread?
If I was homeless, cast-off, wandering
would you offer me a bed?

I know you, I have seen you
so many times before
but you only knew me as
a worthless little whore

I went into your dwelling place
to seek a helping hand
and your servants helped me out, alright
right out on my can

I'm not good enough, it would seem
to mingle with the throng
to worship with the masses
or to lift my voice in song

So I left your house, your temple
never to return
and so they say my shriveled soul
fore'er in hell will burn

But I do not believe those words
for I know deep in my bones
that those people never knew me
so I sit and pray alone

and I ask you do you know me
or is your eye still blind?
It is such a little thing to ask
to give me peace of mind.

And now that I'm respectable?
Will you allow me in?
No, you never really knew me
you have never been my friend.


Drifting

drifting
day by day
half submerged
in blue
as the world fades
to black


Fade

sighs
wondering why
i torment myself
endlessly
thinking i can fit
among the beautiful people
tear my flesh
burn my soul
searing the hate
heart in a bowl
need a hand?
take both of mine
i have no use for them
anymore
as i slowly
fade


Fallyn Angel

it happened again last night
i really don't know why
i go to that place anymore
hiding in my corner
watching all of them
listening to snatches of
'debate' and 'discussion'
it all sounds like 'argument' to me
but who am I to say anyway?

on the one side the atheists
and agnostics question
the validity of the credentials
of the 'messiah'
asking for proof that
can never satisfy
it's all just rhetorical anyway
because they really don't
want to find proof after all

on the other side the fundies
claiming every word in the text
is true and 'god inspired'
and there is no flexibility
in their thoughts
if it isn't their way
then it must be wrong
and hell is filled with
good people who just
didn't believe in the 'word'

and here i sit in the midst
wondering how many times
they will drag up
the same old arguments
demand the same proofs
cast the same stones
not realizing
that the blood they shed
belongs to the creator of all
who weeps for the lack
of understanding
between the creations of love

they ask me what i believe
and for awhile i used to answer
but my wings now are singed
and my halo coated with soot
blisters cover my
bare feet and hands
the white gown
blackened and charred
an angel fallyn
whose only remaining question is

how many more times
will you send me to hell?


Fly By Night

Long after the moon has set
She soars aloft, wings beating
passes over the old familiar ground
full of heedless sleeping hordes.
All night she flies on
croaking out her tale of woe
that will fall upon the ears
of no one, just the cactus and mesquite.
It doesn't matter, she tells herself,
doesn't matter in the least.
After all, who would wish to pay heed
to a tainted, blemished, and desecrated being
such as this wandering creature of the night?
As the dawn approaches she finds her nest
hidden high among the cottonwood branches
and hides herself from the world
thinking that her tale has been poured out
upon a world full of deaf ears and closed hearts.
Only the wolf paid heed, listened all night
to the sad and bitter story of her plight.
Commisserated and gleaned a bit of understanding,
and even tried to pass a little on to others
and for this the Ravyn will be
forever in his debt


For All Those Before and After

did it make you feel
like a big man?
playing god in a tin cup
forty lashes while strung up
you're nothing!
look at you there
with your buzz cut
and your plastic badge
playing cops and robbers
master and slave
i'm sure you felt more alive
when inflicting every hurt
that you could dredge up
out of your sick-fuck mind
but that's only because you're
dead inside
you're nothing!
can you hear me laughing?
i hope so
was i the first that got away?
was i the last?
how many were there
before and after me?
how many executions?
how many burials?
i could have done the world
a big favor that night
but i didn't
do you know why?
any clue at all?
because i'm not like you
i can feel and i can love
and be loved
you can only hate
and hurt
and kill
i gave you back your life
but still
you're nothing!


I Looked Outside Today

I looked outside today
I saw the snow falling all around
people walking, dark smudges
against the pure white backdrop
I turned away lest they see me
silhouetted against the bare white
of my unadorned walls
After a time I looked again
and saw the cloud heavy sky
still dispensing its burden
upon the ground below
cars passing by on the street
people on the move
from somewhere to somewhere
I envied them their mobility
looking down at the ice kissed ground
the footprints writ upon it
I wished that I could follow
to catch up with one and say hi
but that just could never be

I looked outside today
I saw a world that has passed me by
as I sit here with only my thoughts
to keep me company
I vowed that I would once again
go out amongst the crowds
as I once did so very long ago
in another world, another time
when the troubles and turmoils
were but dark smudges
against a pure white backdrop
But instead I stayed here
four walls, my prison
fear and distrust, my guards
keeping me safe from harm
keeping the world safe from me

I went outside today
I kicked up fountains of snow
ran laughing, tumbling into the drifts
Angels and snowmen guard the path
and the missiles burst apart
into a million tiny crystals
as they strike their targets
People passed and they smiled
some stopped to say hello
A few even joined with us
in a battle for the path
After a while, cold and wet
we went back inside
to the warm welcome of home
a prison no longer
for the guards have been dismissed
The world and I are one
Later I stood by the window
I held myself and wept with joy
as I looked outside today


In Flames

I watched
as you took
my soul
you smiled
but not with
your eyes
caressed it
folded it
neatly
I watched
as you lit
the flame
you smiled
as you doused
with kerosene
the last remnant
of myself
I watched
as it disappeared
wreathed
in flames


Lines On A Page

Lines on a page
swirling, mating one with another
twisting round and round
up and down
side to side
endlessly
It is hard to tell
where they begin and where they end
or even if there is a beginning
or an ending
they simply 'are'
They seem so meaningless
Lying there
in their mute aloneness
waiting to be ensconced
with all the other lines
on all the other pages
in all the other compartments
where they gather dust
and slip forever into obscurity
unread
unlamented
nothing more than
lines on a page


Mating Flight

Inspired by Anne McCaffrey and the flight of Ramoth and Mnementh

Golden scaled, the queen takes flight
glowing, ravenous, insatiable.
She flies high through the night
wings beating out a rhythm
soaring, floating, twirling amongst the clouds
as the bronzes persue, their puny bodies
so far below the queen, she mocks
by diving straight towards them,
brushing them aside like motes of dust
then climbing once again, picking up speed
One gains ground, leaving the others behind
he refuses to give up the chase
She taunts him with a lazy roll
and dives again towards the ground
but he anticipates the move
catches her as she turns, talons grasping,
pins her wings and together they begin
the descent, ten thousand feet
tails entwined, until they are sated
and they land high up on the edge of the weyr
bugling out their joy, and then
they part, she slips into her den
and sleeps the sleep of the fully content
Her ire erased, all energy spent


Nightmare

I am sixteen again
Huddled in my makeshift bed
of cardboard and trash
listening to the rain pounding
on the steel lid
Suddenly the lid lifts
and he is there grinning down at me
Quickly I climb out the other side
and run down the alley
out into the street, across
down another alley
turn, stumble, almost fall
he gains ground
breathless, panting
sides aflame with agony
I hear his footfalls, ever closer
as my own begin to falter
I fall face first into a large puddle
turn over quickly to see.....
myself, face contorted in rage
and the perspective shifts
so that I am now looking down
at the huddled form in the puddle
filled with hate and murderous intent
knowing she is a demon,
this girl in the puddle
and I lash out, hitting
kicking, with all my might
Slowly the haze leaves my sight
I look down at the lifeless form before me
turn her over and scream
as I look into the bruised and bloodied face
of my two year old daughter


On The Run

So it is
Always running
from fear from hate
even from love.
You would think I would get tired
or at least gain a little strength.
Well, for the record
I am very tired
and it seems that my strength is a sham.
I have been running on reserve
far too long
and there isn't a filling station
for endless miles.


Release From Bondage

Looking back across the field of the past
seeing the damage of a war torn landscape
rubble and smoke and lifeless corpses
scattered about and staring accusingly
through sightless eyes, tortured souls
released from bondage, from toil
how lucky they are, really
to be freed from the endless meandering
through a cold and uncaring world
and passing on to something that,
at least in theory,
is a better place than this


Sanctuary

I had a sanctuary
a place where the people were
loving and kind
caring and generous
where a problem could be discussed
openly
without fear
of recriminations or judgements
a place where I felt safe
warm
wanted
even liked
now it is a madhouse
I don’t know what happened
there is talk of killing
of hurting
sarcasm and crassness are the new order
when I needed to talk I could go there
and feel like there was
goodness in the world
fairness
love
understanding
now all I feel is judgement
recrimination
how can it be that it has changed so fast
so much
so bad
I suppose it is time
to find another
sanctuary


Seven Years Gone

You've been gone from my life for seven years
You turned me away for the sake of another
The hate and loathing I feel inside
Consume my soul and coat my vision with streaks of red
Why did you desert me right when I needed you the most?
Why did you turn your back on me when I was despairing of my life?
Well, just so that you know, I am still alive
I never again took the blade to my flesh
Maybe this will make you happy to realize
I have found true love and filled my life
My road was long and filled with stones
Since you spurned my love and wrenched my heart
But I still love you, I don't know why
Maybe because you were all I had left
When the world came crashing down around me
Back then you told me everything would be alright
We would make it, we would muddle through
You told me you would always love me
I know that I can never forget you
No matter how many wrongs I have suffered
The wrongs that you ignored for so long
In your blindness of loving another
You two are still together, a nice happy family
And I am just a bad dream to you
Perhaps I never really happened at all
I know I will never see you again but
I will always love you mother


Shutting Down

humming dynamos run to
fever pitch
grating overworked turbines
acrid ozone reek
impending disaster screaming
overamped and underlubricated
spinning wildly until
just prior to meltdown
someone throws the switch
to the off position
and the machinery shuts down

(and sleep takes me
off to another land
once again)


Sometimes They Come Back

You work for years to forget
the things that you hate to remember
You store them away and seal them tight
and you throw away the key
but every now and then something happens
Maybe a smell or a sound
a brush of something against your skin
the way the sun shines on something
and the seal is broken and they all come flooding back
Surrounding you with their feelings of helplessness
of pain long forgotten, but your body always remembers
They hold you there in their dark embrace
filling your mind with terror and anguish
and then after awhile
they slowly fade out and slink back into their box
to be sealed away until the next time


Soul Sisters

For Lexie

When I am lost and alone
she comes to me with love
soothes my aching heart and
calms my ragged nerves.
When she is hurt and confused
I go to her with love
try to take away her pain
and give her hope and inspiration.
When we are together
there is no one who can harm us
no one who can bring back
the demons of our separate
and yet equal pasts.
She tells me that she loves me
and I know that she does.
I love her more than she will ever know
because that's the way it must be.
Soul sisters flying separately, together
on that long and dangerous flight.
We each have another in our lives:
She, a lover, me, a daughter.
Yet we come together nightly
and soothe each other of our cares and woes.
Who knows, someday maybe we will
actually meet.


Tale Spin

The weaver of words spins out the tale
using gestures and pantomime to convey the point
vivid detail and harsh gutteral sounds
as the audience yawns and stretches
shuffling about in their places
ears closed to the words
minds locked from the visions
ignorance is bliss


The Famous Final Scene

She turns and looks at you
Smiles sadly
'Yes, it's time I was on my way.
It has been fun while it lasted,
but it just couldn't last a lifetime.'
Now she turns away
Opens the door
And with a final farewell
Steps out into the darkness
And fades away to nothing


The Last Farewell

Well, here it is
the last farewell
I fade slowly into the twilight
of your memories
Yet, I live on somehow, somewhere
perhaps we shall again meet
in another time, another place
far from where we first became
friends and peers
lovers of the written word
joined together, now sundered
I will miss you all
Some I will never forget
yet life moves on
new paths to tread
new worlds to visit
new people to meet
new poems to write
somewhere, someday
Even I may write them
someday,
even I
may


Three Days Hanging

Quietly slipping through the door
and down the midnight lonely streets
making for the highway once again
cars pass, I hide my face
pace quickening wanting to run
turning corners blindly fearing
him on the other side waiting
grinning, hauling me back
hanging, wrists in agony
gloomy basement mildew reeking
body cringing, blow by blow
tears running freely
making traces down my naked body
head hanging, toes touching
not enough to ease the pressures
on my wrists, he comes again
another day another punishment
three days hanging from the ceiling


Verga

standing at the edge of forever
gazing out at the blankness below
wondering how far and how long
it takes to go home again
but in taking that last step
i never realized that it would last
so very long
in weightlessness, paralyzed
silent screams tearing my throat
the blindness of foolishness
steals my sight with wide open eyes
staring down to the nothingness
that awaits at the end of the fall
in twelve years time
i have yet to hit the ground


Where All Hope Fails

Drawn into the web of deceit
Believing all the lies and ignoring the hate
Eyes blinded by relief and warmth
I enter the place where all hope fails

Chained by my own needs
Lashed by his tongue and his whip
Corrupted by his wants and desires
I make my escape attempt, too soon, too late

Hung by my own stunted pride
Cleverness turned into folly and foolishness
Blood clouding my sight like a mist
Hope fails again to shine through on me

Despair and debauchery fill the hours
Hating the stinking remains of myself
Dead yet living out the nightmare existence
Forever rotting away where all hope fails


Wolf

spent and withered
by distrust and decay
and ceaseless climbing
through these hills
ravines, valleys
yet you of all things
stayed beside me in my quest
futile as it was
and saw me safely
back into the arms
of humanity
so shall you ever be
my totem spirit
my protector
my wolf