Ravyn's Writings - 1998

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LJAmara
Clearwater Poet
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Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 8:43 pm
Tag line: Muddling through
Location: Colorado

Ravyn's Writings - 1998

Post by LJAmara » Wed Aug 01, 2012 12:09 am

9 to 19
(A Rude Awakening)

It never really happened
It was all just a bad dream
It was my mind playing tricks on me
It was all an hallucination
But I woke up!!
It is over now,
No more nightmare
No more pain.
I just have to wonder though
What really happened in those years
from 9 to 19?


All My Yesterdays

If I told you of all my yesterdays
The burning haze, unhappiness and sorrow
The darkness that surrounds my soul
Two halves, not whole, broken, beaten, bloodied
If I told you of the nightmare road
The weighty load of anguish and torment
The crimes I've done, the crimes I've seen
While in between the car and the fence
All innocence scraped away for good and ever
Lost forever in the twilight realm of Nod
Where is God who answers the prayers of the meek
Still I seek to know why He has turned His eye
from me, a lie the believers repeat over and again
But I just can't win, I'm sucking wind
So tell me friend, the answer to my plea
If I told you of all my yesterdays
Would you be my friend tomorrow


Banned
(Aren't I Special?)

Rantings and ravings
Uncouth spoutings of a demented mind
Unfit to be read
Go away and leave the real poets
To their work
And keep thy ramblings to thyself
Foul Temptress
Unholy spirit
Burning soul
Defile my presence no more
Leave me in peace
In my bed of ashes


Black Sheep

years pass and faces fade
like the troubled thoughts
brought on by a nightmare
i couldn't tell you
even if i wanted to
what my mother looks like
or my sister or brother
they have all faded away
like a mist unrolling
blown back as a curtain
by the winds of time and fate
and i sit and wonder
what they are doing right now
what their hopes and dreams are
and if they ever think about
the wayward black sheep
who wanders lonely and alone
miles and years away from the flock


Do You Ever?

Do you ever think of me?
Do you remember the good times
the laughing and playing
Do you remember sitting together
watching some old movie
or just talking as a family?
Do you remember the way dad used to
throw us up in the air and catch us?
Do you remember crying with me
when I came home from the hospital?
Do you remember how much I cried at night
when I thought everyone was asleep
and you would come in and comfort me?
Do you remember what I told you
about your new husband?
About what he did to me?
Do you remember what you said to me?
That I was just angry that he isn't dad
Do you remember all the fights I got into
at school? The suspensions and the bad grades?
Do you ever think about me at all mom?
Do you ever?


Don't Ask

Don't ask why I am the way I am
You don't want to know
Don't ask what has made me so cynical
It would only make you turn away in disgust
Don't ask when all of this started
It has been going on for a lifetime and more
Don't ask who I trust
For I trust no one
Don't ask where I am headed
That path is dark and the end is bitter
Don't ask how I was tainted and corrupted
There are things that should never be told
If you have to ask then you have never listened
To what I have been saying all along
Because the answers were all here
If you had looked you would have found them
Don't ask for them to be put back
They are locked away, some destroyed
Some have been lost forever
But that isn't important
You shouldn't be looking for answers
Perhaps you should be searching for
The right questions ........


Driven

What drives you on? You ask of me
Perplexion writ across your face.
The need to win, the need to lose
The need to stay here in the race.

What drives you on? Again you ask
With troubled eyes and furrowed brow.
I need to feel, I need to see
I need to live again somehow.

What drives you on? I need to know.
You say with sharpness in your tone.
The demons of my past, my present
The dismal future, sad, alone.

What drives you on? There has to be
A reason that you act this way.
When you are sleeping in the night
I lie 'wake holding dreams at bay.

What drives you on? You have to tell
So I can see into your soul.
Don't look too closely, shield your eyes
when gazing into that dark hole.

What drives me on? If you must know
I have a long dark tale to tell.
A tale of pain, a tale of lies
What life is truly like ... in Hell.


Escape Velocity

a glance over your shoulder
gasping sobs escape
sprung shoes splashing
through puddles of ichor;
the decaying memories
of the past

increasing speed
sides aflame with agony
brushing people aside
in determination to win
this hopeless footrace
weary,spent but finally crossing

the starting line


Footsteps

Footsteps through a mountain meadow
Lead into a peaceful glen
Where deer graze and chipmunks play
In and around the trees

Blue turns to grey and cold comes the water
Darkening skies and flashes
Rumbling loudly through the canyons
And the footsteps are washed away

The darkness travels on
Perhaps running errands of its own
To distant areas yet untouched
By its harsh uncaring fingers of fire

Light returns to the mountain meadow
Peace returns to the glen
Soon the deer return to graze and the chipmunks play
In and around the trees

And footsteps lead away
In the direction from whence they came
Slowly, unwillingly they plot their course
Back down to reality


Haunted

You took my hand and led me
to the brink, the edge of it all
you made me look down
at the puny things below
wandering about in their myopic existences
caring nothing about the rest of humanity
wending their ways along set paths
unheeding, unfeeling
you took me then to the window
implored me to look inside
at the happy family rejoicing
in the glow of holidays' warmth
I stood and stared at the four of them
mother, husband, son and daughter
knowing that their joy for life
I could never feel
It was here that next you led me
within these darkened walls
no windows, no ceiling, no fixtures, no floor
and here is where you left me
with that sparkle in your eye
thinking that in here i would stay
that in this place i would die
delusions and confusions confounding my mind
i sank deeper into the mire
blood-caked ruinous revelry
the dogs have their day and
the pigs are in total control
Suddenly a voice rang out
small and light as eiderdown
and I finally heard its message
'come out, come out' it called to me
'turn your back on the blackness within'
and I looked about me and I saw
the grinning faces of dead men
hot saliva dripping off of blood stained fangs
and they chanted as they tore my flesh
in words of chaos, bringing hell into my soul
I picked myself up off the dank and musty ground
shook off the groping grasping claws
fell down, hauled myself up again
running, screaming, for the door


If You Were an Angel

If you were an angel
sent by the creator
to lead me back
upon the path of hope
to where i could find
love and life aplenty

if you were an angel
embodiment of all things
virtuous and right
bearer of the holy light
to keep me safe
on the journey

if you were an angel
why did you send me
to hell?


In The Midst Of Time

Sitting in the midst of time
stretching out before and after
collecting all the old memories
mulling them over, sorting through
wondering if the memories yet to come
will be better or worse or just the same
Sometimes it makes me want to cry
thinking back on all those old hurts
Sometimes it makes me so angry
that I just want to lash out
at anyone, anything
Sometimes I just want to bury myself
in the arms of another
and forget everything
Sometimes I go back
that is the worst
when you go back and relive it all
like it is happening all over again
and you can't find your way back
to the here and now
I just wish I could lock up all these memories
keep them safely encased in a solid steel box
and throw away the key
so I will never have to go back there
reliving, re-feeling, re-experiencing
everything
over and over and over
trapped in the midst of time


Jousting With The Demons

The joust has gone on
For countless years
My lance is shivered
My armour is dented and sprung
My horse is gone lame
My eyes no longer see the difference
Between illusion and reality


Limbo

Crying in silence so the others don't hear
I can't stop this shaking, mind aching
The pain sifts slowly through my body
bringing back all those memories
and the damage done .. long ago
haunts me forever, remains with me
in the form of scars, visible and not
inside and out
sometimes it seems to be getting harder, not easier
to carry the burden of my self
through this limbo land known as life
yet, what is the alternative?
there is none, so i must continue on
shoulder the load and walk
bent over by the weight, wearied by the distance
with only love to keep me moving forward
that is a good thing, right?


Love

Love
had any lately?
Know what it is?
Can you see it?
Smell it?
Taste it?
Does it hurt you?
bite you?
burn you?
when you find love
how do you know it is love
and how do you know if it is returned?
Is it by the bruises?
The scars?
Is love measured in broken ribs
and razor cuts?
Death threats and name calling?
How can a person even want love
if that is what love is?
If you know of a better
definition of love
please tell me before I
lose all hope and
slip into despair
forever


Night

Here I am once again, late at night
wide awake, alone, scared
I shiver with the memory
of the place where I have been
a place full of fear and pain and misery
I think back on a time when
sleep was good and sleep was reviving
and now sleep is something to be avoided
at all costs
he is there waiting
and his friends are all there too
a multitude of horrors waiting for me to
turn off the lights
close my eyes
slip into their net
and let them have their way with me
again
again
again
no! never again
I turn the light back on
tears welling up, spilling out
cold sweat trembling
moaning
how can I survive this endless night
and the next one and the next one
so many nights
can I stay awake through them all?
No, that would certainly be
impossible
or at the very least it would be
like a living death
where I can never rest
never again know the bliss
of sweet, sweet wonderful sleep


No One At All

Wandering up the coast highway
filled with despair and regret
asking myself why I go on
An old Russian fort looms ahead
and I make a small side trip
out to the edge of the cliff
overlooking the sea
I stand looking out over the water
tears rolling down my cheeks
exhaustion consuming my mind
making it hard for me to think of
a reason to continue on
I stare straight down
to the rocks and sand below
and I wonder how it would feel
If I would feel anything at all
If it would be quick
If I would lie down there in agony
for an unknown time before
the sweet blackness takes me
I decide that I don't care
the burden of life is too much
for a seventeen year old girl
homeless and wretched
I step a little closer to the brink
steeling myself for the plunge
close my eyes and just as I start to take that last step
A woman's voice speaks from behind
'It's a wonderful view isn't it?
Kind of makes you glad to be alive.'
Opening my eyes, I turn to see
who is there talking to me
wasting my time when I could be
dead and gone already
and I see standing there
on the headland with me
no one at all
I stand there as the sun sets
and, yes it really is a wonderful view
As the darkness creeps in from the east
I turn away from the precipice
and walk on up the highway


Out Of The Gloom

Waking from my long slumber
I look about me in the grey dawn
seeing you there in all your trappings
your followers lavishing upon you
praises and gentle phrases
while I hide myself away in the shadows
hoping they see me not
and yet hoping for some kind of
recognition, a kind word
a quick smile or a nod
that will never materialize
out of the gloom in which
I have wrapped myself
Why do I even bother?
It's all a sham, a game,
the deck is stacked in favor
of the other players and I'm
afraid to come into the light
and out of the gloom


Roller Coaster

The painfully slow initial ascent
mechanism clattering
straining
as it pulls you to the top
and for a split second, you are there
above everything
a feeling of elation
just before
the rapid acceleration
of the descent
faster you free fall
then up again seeming to float
out of yourself
then back down
corkscrewing through a maze
screaming through the loop
back up again
only to descend
hitting corners at a breakneck pace
thrown to the side, then back
to the other side
ascend
descend
ascend
breathless, panting
as you slow, back at the bottom
and you think
'now I will get off of this thing'
but the bar will not move
and the face of the man at the controls
is contorted in a hellish glee
as he throws the lever
and you begin the ride again


Street Smart Chylde

Street smart chylde
glowing in your self absorption
ignoring the world
that has cast you adrift
upon the cold waters of civilization.
You take what you can
leaving little behind
of the stuff that others
have left behind, unwanted,
and you call it good.

Street wise youth
hustling and bustling
through the lanes and the avenues.
Guys making eyes
howling wolves
grinning toothily and staring
with red rimmed eyes.
You get what they pay for,
what they can't get at home,
and you call it life.

Street strung girl
lying by the river
clothing in disarray
from the revelry of the night.
How can you go on
making light of your horror
and the tepid draught of humiliation
that you must drink every night?

Street stung woman-child
crying alone and hopeless
when no one else can see or hear.
Abandoned, lonely, life in ruins
as you eke out your meager existence
dreaming of the castles
and the handsome prince
who will take you away from
the rotting stench of yourself.

Street scarred soul
wishing for redemption
knowing deep down inside
that it is never going to come.
You just go on
playing out your role
smiling and laughing when required
and writhing in the turmoil
of your mind.

Will you ever find
a way out of this maze
that you have created for yourself?
Do you have the strength of will
to set yourself free
from yourself?


The Burning Desire

youth glows brightly
like fire at midnight
yet damned as quickly
as water extinguishes flame
the roads you choose
are the paths you take
as the fire leads you on
each step taking an iota
of your soul to hell
though you run from
its depths, its darkness
its charnel reek
salvation is what you seek
grasping with both hands
charred fingers slipping
as you plunge once again
into the burning depths
futile attempts at best
for redemption is
not yours to hold
and the glowing embers
caress your skin
where once the hands of men
groped and fondled
twisted into agony
for their pleasure
and creased with rippling scars
to forget is all you ask
the promised peace
an illusion
mocking with open arms
'come forth unto my bosum
and drink of the joy
of life'
but as you run
to be enfolded
within the endless embrace
you fail to see
the pitfalls at your feet
filled with the sullen coals
of your own past
unerringly they reach out
tangling your feet
dragging you back down
into the burning
loathesome agonizing melee
which above all things
torments your mind
and personifies
your deepest desire
as the ash falls
slowly blown by
the gentle summer wind
down into the pit
where all light fails


The Debt

'A lifetime lies in store for you.'
he told me with a smile
'You are young and strong.
Keep looking for the things in life you want,
but be content with having the things you need.'
He had very little to show
for a lifetime of some 50 years.
A ragged blanket, some books
cooking utensils and some pictures
to hang upon his wall.
Enough food to last
for maybe two days at a time
for if you tried to keep more
it would spoil.
He taught me how to live
how to survive alone in life.
In two short weeks he became
a friend, a mentor, a source of security
in a very insecure situation.
Just as I was coming to trust him
to love him for himself
he was suddenly taken away from me
four wounds to his chest.
Killed in a grimy alleyway
for a coat and a pair of shoes
as I watched, a wretched coward
not daring to help for fear of my own life.
His face haunts me still
in dreams and even while awake
whenever I see a ragged man
living on the edge, in the alleyways
panhandling on a corner,
huddled against the cold and wet.
I give them what I can
trying in this way to pay off my debt:
the forty-six dollars that he placed into my hands
as he took his last breaths
and his soul passed on to whatever lies
beyond this world of hope and despair
joy and torment
pleasure and agony.
Gus, my friend, I will never forget you.


The Gift
(for Lexie)

There was a time not so long ago
when I was afraid and alone
thinking myself the most
hideous of creatures
not deserving of any kind
of affection or respect
then she came into my life
showed me how to break free
from the demons of my past
and to look forward to a future
maybe not so bright
but not full of
the darkness of my past
perhaps a touch of hope
is the gift she brings my way
wrapped in love
sealed with respect
given everyday


The Life

Pen meets paper
images and memories
unleashed, ravenous and hungry
for the life that has been denied them

Mind to hand
thoughts and ideas
burning, flaming brightly
consuming the life that holds them

Energy spent
huddled and defenseless
crying, mourning losses
the life that should have been


Thirty Seconds Of Bliss

It's one in the morning
sleep is eluding me once again
Staring at the shadow entrenched ceiling
warding off the demons with my number 2
It doesn't make much sense anymore
as if it ever did
I read and see and hear about it
every day, everywhere
love tru, love lost, love spurned
and I guess I only have one question
that keeps floating through my mind
while everyone else is bemoaning
the loss of love
or the unrequited love
the cheating lover
the loving cheater
and I ask myself ..
when will it be my turn?
or will I just continue on
never knowing how it feels
to love and be loved
even for a day, an hour
a fleeting glimpse through a drawn shade
thirty seconds of bliss


To A Different Drum

So sad
the way we seem to treat one another
as if no one really matters
except for ourselves
sometimes
without even knowing
we send a fellow human being
to their doom
alone and frightened
full of pain
until emotionally drained
spiritually defunct
physically exhausted
and mentally numb
why?
What is it all for?
The ridicule and the judgement
for someone who is
just a bit different
not on the same page
taking a different track
through the forest of life
rogue
loner
anti-social
(maybe)
emotionally disturbed
(probably)
no fun at a party
(most definitely not!)
sees things in a different light
from a new perspective
dares to stray from the norm
blazing new paths
we call these people insane
and who is to say, really
if they are or if they aren’t
after all, aren’t we all
just a little bit crazy
so we lock them away
where they can do no harm
and we go on our merry way
like cattle through the chutes
to our own unwitting fate
along the accepted lines
of our society
mockingly laughing at those
who have lost their way
while taking a different path
than the one we would have chosen
but I say Go!
Blaze your trails!
Find new meanings!
Look at the world a little differently!
For if we fail to do so
we will end up
right back where we started from
stagnating in our need
for what we call ‘normal’


Total Darkness

Total darkness
too dark even for shadows
pitch blackness surrounds
palpable, alive in its own existence
full of fear and hate and loathing
for creatures of the light
suddenly, a flame
flares up through the blackness
burns for only a few seconds
and then is extinguished
but it leaves behind
an orange/red glow
that flares and diminishes, rhythmically
but still the darkness hates the glow
and turns it in upon itself
through its force of will
scathes its owner with searing agony
and leaves me in a shaking huddled mass
of torn and broken emotion
lying on the floor
in total darkness


Transitory State

Grasping at straws
going through the motions
spinning like a top
dizzied by the constant change
but change can be for the better
or change can be for the worse
it is hard to tell sometimes
which is which
when you feel the ground
tremble beneath your feet
and you stare blankly at the walls
and you don’t know whether to
stand and stare
or to sit and cry
or just lie down and die


Why?

Why do I do the things that I do?
Why should I even care?
After all, it is no longer my concern
I am relatively free and moving on with my life
Yet I am drawn towards others
Who have shared a fate similar to mine
So I write and I post and I hope
That other Tortured Souls
Will read my messages
And find a glimmer of … hope?
And maybe decide to break away
From the torment and despair


With The Wind

Life burns as a fire
consuming that which holds it
sometimes the flames burn high
other times only dimly glowing coals
until all that is left is grey ash
blowing away with the wind

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