Ravyn's Writings - 1996 and Earlier

A permanent archive dedicated to the memory of Jennifer Sloan. Read The Ravyn's story in poetry and prose. Post your own story or seek help in The Ravyn's Wings forum.

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LJAmara
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Ravyn's Writings - 1996 and Earlier

Post by LJAmara » Tue Jul 31, 2012 11:33 pm

Bars and Shackles

stripes fall upon my skin
as the sun rises
a tear slips free
staining the pillow
crisp whiteness surrounds me
and soft footfalls
echo through darkening chambers
within my soul
if i could summon the strength
to raise my fickle hand
i would wipe away the wetness
undo the stitching
that holds the world in thrall
and fade away with the night
but the bondsman has come
rancid breathed spectre
floating across the emptiness
betwixt floor and ceiling
to give his loving caress
to my ankles and forearms
sometime between dinner and sleep
mesh filled glass
filters morning light
onto my glazed pupils
bars and shackles
embrace my body
keeping me alive
for yet another day


Childhood Memories

Childhood memories
playing in the park
skipping rope
kickball
foursquare
handball
running
jumping
laughing
Childhood Memories
Homework
teachers
school buses
report cards
friends
mother
father
brother
sister
Childhood Memories
sorrow
Death
pain
no father
gone to be with god
mommy?
Why can’t we go see daddy?
I want to go now
good-bye


Cloak Of Darkness

Wrapped in a cloak of darkness
he comes to me
late at night as I sleep
Enfolds me in his bitter embrace
and sends my mind out
on a journey to far off places
searching for the goodness and hope
the joys of yesterday
for today there is no hope, no joy
and goodness has become a myth,
a fairy tale, a childrens story
another lie in the web of lies
woven around my soul
and leaving me here,
broken, bitter, without solace.
I cry when he leaves me,
not for the sake of the parting with him
but for the sake of the parting
from my childhood, my innocence,
all stolen away so soon
never again to return


I Am Here

I can’t believe it
how could it be
I am here
I tried so hard to leave
I did my best
the edge was sharp
the pain was great
life spilling out
on the bed
no hope
no where to turn
I thought it was done
now I am here
and he is here
and we are here
god help me


It's A Living

Colors swirling in the night
breeze blowing, gently swaying
lights moving left to right
right to left
red and white
they all combine
strange dance to the sound of
chatter and the bellow
of engines racing
tires squealing
one stops in front of me
the window comes down
small talk and money
we go for a ride
out and away from the bright lights
it isn't much, but hey
it's a living


Journey

Where am I going?
I ask myself
away, away and away
is the only reply
moving on once again
scared that he will find me
but why should he care?
I am just a toy for him
to do with as he may please
if the toy gets broken
you go out and get another one
if the toy gets lost you look
for a while
and then go find another one
I hope he doesn't look
too long or too hard
that he is content to just
find another one
(I hope to God she is strong)
So I ride
where am I going?
Away, away and away
through mountains and canyons
across deserts and plains
higher
further
safer
better
to make a new life in a new place
the mother of a tiny child
the thought is terrifying to me
but not as truly horrible
as staying behind would be
being a toy
to be played with for a while
then broken and discarded
I know I am not the first toy
that he has had
I will not be the last
but I will not be left lying
broken and lifeless
to be hauled out with the trash
No! Never!
I am better than this
So I will go
Away, away and away


Midnight Remembrances

I sit here and I think about you often
Every night in fact
I think about what you would be like
had you been given the chance
What color eyes would you have?
what color would your hair have been?
would you have been a boy or a girl?
what kind of hopes and dreams would you have?
I pray every night now that God forgive me
for allowing him to take you from me
I don't know if He will
or if I can ever forgive myself
but a friend told me that God can forgive anything
I hope she is right


Riding On The Wings Of The Night

The afternoon sun slowly lowers its head
towards the ocean in the distance
and the lights begin to flicker on, great neon
lighting up our world with imitation light
because we are too afraid of what might lurk
out there in the darkness which surrounds us
like a deathshroud, wrapped tighly.
I stand on the corner waiting for you
to come along driving in your fancy Mercedes
or is it a BMW? Maybe a Lexus
no matter, what matters is the tryst
that until it happens we are unaware of its existence
so I wait leaning against the wall of
some sleazy bar or a closed up adult book shop
smiling as I see you round the corner
but you don't stop, just pass by
so it must not have been you and I wait some more
smoking and talking to passersby
sometimes taking one of them into an alley
it's only business, don't be concerned
I will be here waiting when you show up
driving your Lincoln Continental
or was it a Caddilac Coupe De Ville?
I never remember, but no matter
because here you are to pick me up
give me a ride, give you a ride
I feel so much richer when you drop me off
at the corner, in front of some sleazy bar
or closed up adult book shop


White Owl

The white owl hovers above the earth
its one red eye glowing
sometimes dim and sometimes bright
it does lazy circles
up and down skimming the ground
raking it with its razor claws
the earth trembles at its touch
shaking with the anticipated pain
the owl's eye glows in the darkness
sometimes bright sometimes dim
now higher now lower
touching on the hills and valleys
leaving trails of burnt earth behind
the earth shakes and moans out its pain
as the white owl floats and behind the owl
maniacal laughter
a faceless demon in the dark
controlling the owl's movement
telling it where to land
when to fly again
making its searing red eye
grow bright and then dim
smoke fills the world
as the white owl flies
the earth convulses in agony
destruction and torment
left in its wake
and as the white owl flies
its body shortens slowly
each time the eye glows bright
and the earth beneath it shudders

(the man puts out the cigar
on her chest
and leaves her to her pain
and weeping)

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thief of dreams
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Re: Ravyn's Writings - 1996 and Earlier

Post by thief of dreams » Thu Aug 23, 2012 1:22 pm

Thank you for these Lisa, I miss her so much still. Time, allows only for easier distractions but damn sure does nothing for the wounds of loss.
I feel bad that we only met you through her, sort of as if you were robbed a chance to be discovered for self and instead sort of fathered in to the Pages by way of Jenn and so when we see you we think of her.
It's hard to separate the two and I do try but I don't think it will ever truly happen. That isn't a bad thing per se, just yea. I don't know. It doesn't seem fair but at the same time I am eternally grateful for it, and you, for sticking around and not just leaving us forgotten.
Every time I see a Raven in life I stop to talk to it as if it is her. Even if it is too far to hear my words. This is probably extremely unhealthy from a mental aspect but I really don't care. Those I love I will never let go of, not even for a second. Jenn has a place in my heart rivaled only by my late mother, and yes I still speak to her as well. I'll never stop speaking to those who are gone, not out of some fear that they will be forgotten but because I hope that they are still here, in some form, and that they can hear us.
I'm not a man of God and don't really believe in much of the whole Heaven and Hell thing but I also know that I could be wrong.
Right after my mom passed my grandmother told me she was grateful to be a Witness because she didn't have to wonder about if someone went to hell. This tortured me because even though my mom lived a life of sin, she was still a very, very, good person, and if by some chance there is a God, I would hope that he weighs his decisions based on a persons heart and not their actions.
Wow, ok, this post has completely turned into something other than what was intended.
Basically I just wanted to say, "Hello" and thank you for posting these for us to all read.
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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LJAmara
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2004 8:43 pm
Tag line: Muddling through
Location: Colorado

Re: Ravyn's Writings - 1996 and Earlier

Post by LJAmara » Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:26 pm

Terry,

First of all, thank you for keeping Jenn alive in your heart. There are so many people who pass through our lives at different times, for different reasons. I think Jenn's reason was to teach us all a little something about ourselves, and to show us that no matter what we've experienced in the past there is always room for compassion towards one another.

We aren't so different, you and I, in the respect that we feel compelled to talk to her still. You do it through speaking to ravens, I take the girls on little day trips up to Leninger Lake near the top of Kenosha Pass where her ashes are scattered. I still feel her there and we all talk to her, tell her about our hopes and fears and wants and needs.

I'm not a believer in deities or afterlives, but I'm sure if there is a deity that your mother has been forgiven of any wrongs she may have done in her life. Her energy lives on, along with her spirit, as long as you remember her and keep her in your heart.

You are a special guy, Terry. Jenn wrote of you, I'll have to find the journal entries and copy them down here sometime, but she thought of you as a sort of knight. Her knight. Her champion. Not the one in shining armor on the great white horse, but more of a darker knight, tortured by a past that he hated to speak of, or even think of, but had no choice as it was a part of who he was - of who you are. A knight driven to be better than his own perception of who he was.

Oh, by the way, you're welcome! I've been going through a lot of her journals lately, trying to decide whether to post some of her entries on here. Most of them I probably won't as they are incredibly dark and, for most people, they would be highly disturbing. I've found some that pertained to this place in general, and some about individuals here such as yourself, Heinzs, Moongem, Jeanne, and a few others. When I have time I will transcribe them and share. I also need to put her computer back together and transfer the data off of her hard drive onto mine for safe keeping.

So much to do in between everything else in life.

Forgive me, I've had a few glasses of wine tonight and am feeling a bit sentimental and chatty, but the girls are in bed so here I am.

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thief of dreams
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Re: Ravyn's Writings - 1996 and Earlier

Post by thief of dreams » Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:44 am

Thank you, funny thing about the knight thing, I always saw her as my Savior. She saved me from a past that was so overwhelmingly tearing me down that I saw no way to break it's hold. She showed me the way and encouraged me to take it. One of my plans when I finally get enough money to do it is a tattoo that covers my left leg of a Raven pulling a Phoenix from the smoldering ashes and chains that hold it down. So hopefully the Lottery is kind to me someday cause it won't be cheap to have it done right.
Feel free to post or not post anything you want to. While I love to see her words, and she gave us many, I know there are some things that were not meant for us, and that is just fine.
Being chatty is also encouraged, hehe.
:cheers:
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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