Poetry Pages

April 10, 2004.
The last time she and I happened to be online together we entered the chatroom. It's a mundane chat, but the last one I'll ever have with her.

Early morning dialog:

Ravyn: hiya .. and have i said thank you lately?

Heinzs: Hehe... Just seeing you here more often and participating more is all the thanks I need, Jenn!

(you're very, very welcome!)

*hugs*

Ravyn: *s* my being here more often is sort of a necessity and , may be over sooner than we hope for ... although there is always hope .. non?

Heinzs: In my book there is always hope, Jenn! I have too often been the victim of despair to allow it to take foothold yet one more time.

The three stages of grief:

denial
anger
acceptance

I've been working on that last one for a very long time. It seems the only stage conducive to construction rather than destruction.

Cheers and many many *hugs*!!!


Ravyn: i guess that last stage is the hardest to reach huh?

Heinzs: Hehe... that's why it's the LAST stage *grin*.

Love ya, Jenn!

and now I'm going to bed (2:00 a.m.)

p.s. you have to go through the other two stages to get there, and despair and depression can keep you traveling in circles for a long time!

Ravyn: i guess for some reason i can't bring myself to acceptance ... i've gone through all the other stages but i can't quite accept the inevitable

Heinzs: It doesn't necessarily mean accepting the inevitable. That would be couterproductive to hope, and we're not giving any of that up! It's more of a state of mind in which whatever outcome is in the offing is seen as "alright".... it's hard to explain. It's like "que sera sera", but not as trite. There's more "depth" to the feeling. I'm reading quite a bit of it in your recent posts... contrary to your own opinion. I think it may be contributing to your heightened energy and stamina.

In any case, just so you always know you're not "alone"... even though some of us may be many miles distant.

But now I really need to find a soft pillow...

*grin*

Ravyn: k ... i will hope for a soft pillow myself ... goodnight dear one

wonder if she has reached acceptance yet or if she is stomping her foot and wiggling a finger in Gods face... hehe...
not the last conversation i had with her but one that i will always cherish was when Wats, Ravyn and myself where in chat and running crazily through the poesie.com site rehashing old poems and cracking open some long forgotten relics... it was a blast, felt like a couple of friends, kids, who were just shotting the breeze and acting immortal... probably the last time i had 'fun' and felt some sort of freedom.. hard to explain why but it was...

I find it utterly amazing that someone I had never personally talked to, or even took notice of besides the fact I saw her around here often... could make me cry. Her story truly brought me to tears... I don't cry often.

You all lift her as an angel... and it inspires me to hopefully be even somewhat like her. I would love to be someone that when my time comes, someone I didn't even know personally cried for me. I will forever strive to be that person... and I hope everyone else will too.

It just takes a little acceptance of others to make all the difference.

I had a similar simple little conversation with her in the chatroom. come to think of it, it was the only time i talked with her one on one. I cant recall the whole conversation, but i remember clearly near the end when she was talking about how she had no hair that she said she looked like a shaved rat. I replied that she then must be the cutest shaved rat that I had ever seen. She said I made her laugh. Then she left because it was getting late.

I think that was only a few weeks before she died.

That is a great memory, Drew. Thanks for sharing it with us.

H.