Contents part 2: Other Scribbles

[heinzs]

Other Scribbles: 1-12
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A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
isn't that how they are supposed to start?
Fairy tales and nursery rhymes
stories for children
but what about the real life fairy tales?
Where the evil forces strive to take command
control your mind, decimate your body
through your own need, uncontrollable urges
tormenting yourself emotionally and physically
use the one to keep the other at bay
after all, what hurts worse?
The small pain of a cigarette burn?
Or the huge gnawing rat of the emotional anguish
piled layer upon layer, time after time
day after day, year after year
and then locked away inside your mind
contaminating your soul?
But the rat is never really locked away
he gnaws his way out
runs freely through the dark avenues
of your most secret thoughts
unleashes memories thought to have been shut up tight
in small hermetically sealed compartments
never to be re-opened
but the rat doesn't care
he will gnaw away until
out spring old hurts and wrongs
bloated by decay
from years of stewing in their own vile sauce
demonic recipes to bring you back to
the small quivering helpless child within.
Terror is no stranger to the child
she has lived in a state of constant fear
since she was begotten years ago
on a hot summer's night
by a man that was supposed to protect
but instead he violated,
crushed hope and turned
dreams into nightmares
and taught the beauty of cold, sharp steel
but when you try to release the child with the blade
he stops you for reasons of his own
selfish and brutal reasons they may indeed be
but you can escape from his death grip
become more than he sees you to be
live life to its fullest
hide the child
put up a brave front
people will talk of you saying
'she is such a strong woman
I wish I were as strong as she is'
and you think to yourself late at night
as the rat gnaws at the sealed compartments
that you wish you were as strong
as they think you to be
that you could indeed control your own hand
as the bright glow comes nearer
mating with the flesh
in searing, yet exquisite
pain
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Acting Out

is it the child's fault
if he is acting out
what he experiences at home?
or the parent's fault
for giving the child
these concepts
of how things are?
i don't blame him
he is only six
but he is an abuser in training now
i know who to blame
name, address, phone number
and to be quite honest
that scares the hell out of me
i never really knew
until a few days ago
how vicious i can be
when it comes to the safety
of my child
or how fast and how strong
all those old feelings
can return to their old places
i don't yet know
how long they will stay
________________________________________

Ashes Over Kenosha

eventually it will happen, love
you know as well as i
when it does i want no grieving
no final resting place, no flowers
take me up to our special place
just you and the girls
make small the fire and remember
the good times and the bad
the joy and the sorrow
then spread the ashes
over kenosha that i love
that i might ever linger there
whatever happens betwixt then and now
always remember that you, love
have brought unending happiness
to a soul shrouded in despair
____________________________________________

Birthright

From yonder mountains he did come
within his hand, a sword blood red.
Unto the plains he spread his wrath,
before his face vast armies fled.
To ocean's shores with willful stride,
unheeding of the damage wraught,
to fight the final battle, lo!
for victory, or come to naught!

From sea's darkest depths she strode,
her mantle golden, burnished bright.
Upon her brow the tempest rode,
within her eyes, the brightest light.
To ocean's shores, revenge to take
for countless wrongs, fell deeds unsung.
Her hardened heart no more to break.
The fate of worlds upon her hung.

Now come, these two, upon the flow
of ebb-tide, thunder threatening.
Unleashed they a mighty din
of sword and mail, of bite and sting.
From full moon unto new moon dim
and back again unto the full,
four cycles, yet not she nor him
did weaken, weary, rest nor lull.

Her dinted helm, his hauberk rent.
Blood red the sun to match the sand.
Her last strength, ebbing, ire spent,
triumph at last was in his hand.
Upon her knee, head bowed, eyes blind,
awaited she doom's final stroke.
A whispered voice, to left, behind
she heard, it's words it softly spoke.

Perceiving weakness in his might
the hilts she clutched, her lips apart
swinging one last mighty stroke
from groin, to bowels, to beating heart.
With mouth agape, a stifled cry,
unutterable agony.
So her nemesis did die
upon the shore of westward sea.

And she who claimed the victory
stood staring down upon his face
She spake in words of mystery
that none set foot upon this place
and ancient runes she did employ.
Then turned her back upon the land
her birthright, won, it brought no joy
Her father dead upon the sand
____________________________________________

Black Friday

They were much like family
All those strangers
I admired them all
Although they never really knew it
Evenings spent
Reading their thoughts
Sharing their hopes
Their turmoils
Nightmares
Sharing a small part
Of my own with them
Glimpses into hell

Black Friday
Brought anger
Resentment and hate
Spreading unabated
Like wildfire
Consuming all in its path
Friends and foes
Family
We choose sides
Take jabs at one another
Until the only ones
Left standing
Stand crippled
Leaning upon their crutches

Aftermath
Picking up pieces
Of our shattered selves
We see the reflections
And they are blackened
Charred by our own fires
Lit in anger
Until nothing but ash remains
Still we scoop the ashes
And try to bring back
The family that was
But it is no more
Strangers who
Were once friends
All darkened
All charred beyond recognition

You realize
There is no going back
No return to normalcy
Because it still lurks
Below the surface
Almost intangible
Yet always felt
Now do you live
With the loathsome undercurrents?
Or do you move on?
____________________________________________

Cancerous Messiah

standing tall amongst your followers
pointing fingers stained in blood
at the homos
the protestors
the pagans
the 'different'
denounce them all
the ones who differ
in appearance
in beliefs
in lifestyle
call up your own
rightness in your
blinded by lightness
but never make any attempt
to understand
cast them away from you
for they are evil
in your mind
but the greatest evil
is to do harm
and what do you think
you do with your words?
____________________________________________

Childhood Memories

Childhood memories
playing in the park
skipping rope
kickball
foursquare
handball
running
jumping
laughing
Childhood Memories
Homework
teachers
school buses
report cards
friends
mother
father
brother
sister
Childhood Memories
sorrow
Death
pain
no father
gone to be with god
mommy?
Why can’t we go see daddy?
I want to go now
good-bye
______________________________________________

Cliff of Destiny: Revisited

up the coast highway once again
driving this time, not walking
very little is recognizable
passing little towns where
i had scrounged through trash
hiding from rain
hiding ...
hiding from
much more than rain
and what good did all the
hiding and running
do me in the end?
people read my words
and say i am strong
but i know the truth there
i have seen true courage
during the past week
my pitiful little show of strength
is but a shadow of hers
i see the place now
my cliff of destiny as it were
where i was told
by an unseen guide
which path i must choose
she parks at the fort
with a hug she tells me
'go, find your peace
or your demon, whichever
it may be. i'll be here.'

a mile back south down the road
it still looks the same
scrub grass and sea birds
squabbling over some carrion
wind blowing into my face
as i walk out to the brink
my cliff of destiny
where now is the messenger?
i want to tell her
she was wrong, yet she was right
softly spoken words
fall from my lips
blown off by the wind
' i know you are listening.
you sent me away from here
into a world of hate and
defilement. a world of
evil and depravity.
why? was i such a horrible thing?
did i need to be taught another lesson?
was it like the good christians say?
god tests you to find
how strong your faith is?
well, god or whoever you are
have you seen enough?
you tested my faith and i rejected you
and all your earthly holy houses
and your dogma spouting serfs.
are you satisfied now?
is there more to come?
answer me damnit!'

wind sighs through the scrub grass
birds cry, fly and peck
at the lump of stuff at
the foot of the cliff below
still i stand and, silent now,
waiting
waves roll in endlessly
and i think
i am like the sand
tossed around by
the waves, moved from
one place to another
piled up, torn down
piled up again in another place
always at the will of
some other force
but do i have to be the sand?
could i not, instead, be
the waves?
no, that would mean
carelessly moving, piling
changing the sand
but ...
what if ...
i could be both sand and wave?
not being controlled by some
outer force, nor subjecting
something else to my will
but freely working as one
to create ...
something new
i ponder this as i turn away
from my cliff of destiny
not sure if i have gotten my answer
but feeling like
i am on the right path

a mile back up the road
she waits, smiling
i take her hand in mine
return the smile
kiss her once, briefly
'let's go home'
_____________________________________________

Common Ground

why do you look at me that way?
need i ask? of course i know
you read my fears like headlines
flashing across the bottom
of your cnn screened television
screaming 'whore! slut!
i know what you've done!'
and i can't help but turn away

so where does that leave us?
strangers without common ground
one look in your eyes tells me
that you know all about
what happened in the barn that day
and all the days and nights
mingled with the blood in between
all i can do is turn and walk away

strangers without common ground
though i have promised to try
and accept what i know of life
will you ever be able
to bring yourself to accept me
with all my faults and all my pasts
the horror entwined with the ecstacy
or, as i am thinking now, will we

never meet at all due to
a lack of common ground
____________________________________________

Demon Chylde

why?
what possible satisfaction
can you derive from it?
does it make you feel
superior?
does it make you
a better person
in the eyes of your god?
i am quite aware of my faults
thank you very much
i have no illusions
as to my own shortcomings
yet you feel compelled
to point them out
continuously
now, because i refuse
to believe as you do
and because i choose
to live as i do
and love as i will
i am, in your eyes
infested with demons
an unrepentant heathen
destined for a hell
in which i have no belief
i can't explain
my point of view
you refuse to listen
or perhaps
you can't hear me
over the sound
of your own voice
chanting your litany
of woe and torment
should it matter to me
what you think?
no, i suppose it should not
our last conversation
will remain our last
and i will continue on
living the life
of a demon chylde
____________________________________________

Desecrated Angel

drip
falling
wilted
flower
bends
breaks
tears
drip
immoral
abomination
desecrated
angel
clipped
wings
tears
drip
tarnished
silver
molten
brass
unclean
damned
wilted
flower
tears
drip


03/07/2003


Author's Note: scattered like my thoughts ... confused ... like my emotions ... if there was a way of visualizing the pain ... i would have done that as well ... *sad smile*


____________________________________________

Did You Find Everything Ok?

i saw you again yesterday
at the checkstand as the cashier
scanned your loathsome box
of cigars and some batteries
your blond hair was a little longer
but it still didn't cover up
that mole there on your cheek
and just as the clerk passed back
the change you glanced
in my direction and i slipped
out of reality to the floor
to writhe in the muck of the
barnyard where the horses
run wild and the smell of
pork in the open pit
chokes me with its stench
blood and urine crusted
mashed potato gravy with
corn cob pipings of
demon wrought misogeny
sucks the life from my being
and leaves me trembling as
the voice inside my head
becomes louder asking ... asking
'did you find everything ok?'
______________________________________________

[heinzs]

Note: Please check the original post of "desicrated angel". I was unable to duplicate the spacing and scattering effect.

H.

http://www.poetrypages.com/phpBB2/posti ... st&p=14893

[heinzs]

Other Scribbles: 13-24
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Disconnected


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Driven


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Emptiness


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Epiphany


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Eternity


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For All Those Before and After


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I Am Here


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If


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In Between Living and Dying


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In Celebration of Life

we gather here tonight
in celebration of life
under the bloated moon
rancid party favors
moldering in the corner
where the clown sells
powder and spikes
and the pony demands
a ride around the field
when the singers begin
croaking out the tune
and the stench of the
human tallow candles
drips through my mind
in gouts of unshed blood
each carefully wrapped package
a noxious surprise
"remember! remember!"
happy happy birthday
to me
___________________________________________

Light Me


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Like Yesterday



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[heinzs]

Other Scribbles: 25-36
______________________________

Make Up


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Meaning?


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Never Knowing


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Night


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No One At All


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Oblivion


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Ode to an Excitable Boy


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Only One


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Rape


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Renewing The Vow


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Shadow People


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Shutting Down



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[heinzs]

Other Scribbles: 37-45
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Spirit Lantern


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The Next To Go


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The Pillar


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Time Travelling In My Mind


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Toxic Tinkerbelle


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Upon On A Star


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Vortex


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Where Once Were Four


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White and Grey


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[Berlie]

* added to book up to "Did You Find Everything Ok?"

[Berlie]

Can I get some help in tracking down and filling in the missing above poems so they are all in one place.

[heinzs]

I think you've got them all from the "table of contents and missing pieces" topic. I should have deleted this one when I updated that one *grin*. Oops!

Heinz

[Berlie]

Can you look over the PDF and tewll me what pieces i am missing from it then?

[heinzs]

It looks like these weren't there, though I thought I had them loaded and ready to go. Here are the titles and the poems to finish of "other scribbles". Sorry... my bad.

*grin*

Disconnected
Driven
Emptiness
Epiphany
Eternity
For All Those Before and After
I Am Here
If
In Between Living and Dying
In Celebration of Life
Light Me
Like Yesterday
Make Up
Meaning?
Never Knowing
Night
No One At All
Oblivion
Ode to an Excitable Boy
Only One
Rape
Renewing The Vow
Shadow People
Shutting Down
Spirit Lantern
The Next To Go
The Pillar
Time Travelling In My Mind
Toxic Tinkerbelle
Upon On A Star
Vortex
Where Once Were Four
White and Grey

****************************************************
Disconnected


Detached
Disconnected
I know there is a world out there
Other than the one I have been made to see
A world of light
A world of hope
A world of happiness
But my world is restricted
To the confines of these four walls
Of my own fear maddened mind
Forever detached
Disconnected

****************************************
Driven


What drives you on? You ask of me
Perplexion writ across your face.
The need to win, the need to lose
The need to stay here in the race.

What drives you on? Again you ask
With troubled eyes and furrowed brow.
I need to feel, I need to see
I need to live again somehow.

What drives you on? I need to know.
You say with sharpness in your tone.
The demons of my past, my present
The dismal future, sad, alone.

What drives you on? There has to be
A reason that you act this way.
When you are sleeping in the night
I lie 'wake holding dreams at bay.

What drives you on? You have to tell
So I can see into your soul.
Don't look too closely, shield your eyes
when gazing into that dark hole.

What drives me on? If you must know
I have a long dark tale to tell.
A tale of pain, a tale of lies
What life is truly like ... in Hell.

*******************************************************
Emptiness

once there were words
scribbled down in haste
or at leisure
the spillings of my soul
nothing more than bile
all gone now
emptiness is all that's left
hollow boxes filled with
dead air
where once my heart lay
not even blood remains
scrubbed clean
soon these words will follow
fading out into the unknown
the unread
chiselled from the stone
there is nothing left but
emptiness

************************************************
Epiphany


O! What dark and brooding demon
Doest thou yet perceive?
Lying abed amidst the down and lace
Eye flitting to the aperture.
'Tis but a shadow of thine own self
Gazing back with baleful eye!

*************************************************
Eternity

'til death, my love
isn't that what they say?
you and i, love
shall we let a little thing
like death come between us?
no, i think not
after all, death comes so soon
and we have
eternity

***************************************************
For All Those Before And After

did it make you feel
like a big man?
playing god in a tin cup
forty lashes while strung up
you're nothing!
look at you there
with your buzz cut
and your plastic badge
playing cops and robbers
master and slave
i'm sure you felt more alive
when inflicting every hurt
that you could dredge up
out of your sick-fuck mind
but that's only because you're
dead inside
you're nothing!
can you hear me laughing?
i hope so
was i the first that got away?
was i the last?
how many were there
before and after me?
how many executions?
how many burials?
i could have done the world
a big favor that night
but i didn't
do you know why?
any clue at all?
because i'm not like you
i can feel and i can love
and be loved
you can only hate
and hurt
and kill
i gave you back your life
but still
you're nothing!

*************************************************

[heinzs]

I Am Here


I can’t believe it
how could it be
I am here
I tried so hard to leave
I did my best
the edge was sharp
the pain was great
life spilling out
on the bed
no hope
no where to turn
I thought it was done
now I am here
and he is here
and we are here
god help me

***********************************
IF

If I had been a good girl when I was young
He wouldn't have had to do the things that were done
And my life would have been a happy one

If I had gone south instead of north
To L.A. or San Diego (oh hell, why not say Tijuana)
Would things have turned out any differently?

If I could gather back in all those lost years
Take out the pain and the hunger and the misery
Would I then be a better person than the one I have become?

If I had died that bloody day and gone on to what lies beyond
And not wandered my bleak and sorrowful path
Would the world be any better off? or any worse?

If I could take back just one thing
Rip it screaming and fighting out of my dark and gloomy life
I would take out the day, dad, that you went to work
And came home a week later
In a box
*****************************************************
In Between Living and Dying

hands upon the hilts grasping
at reality trying to hold
my head in my hands
slap my skin and knives slice
the bread and pass the
intersection where you were supposed to turn
around so i can hit you again in the face
to face with my mother and sorrow pours
the tea into tiny cups upon fragile saucers
flying in the night skitter back and forth
time this month you have made me give
me the roadmap please i need to find
out why the stars always seem to shine
that light over here charlie, i think there's
a monster in the closet please don't turn out the light
up another cigarette and sigh as the hot coal singes skin
another potato dear we need at least five
more days and i can get away for the
life of me i don't understand what happened
to the world i used
it last night while looking at the moon's eyes
stare at the luminous tube as it starts
the car engine, bringing it to life roaring
lions lying upon rocks
backwards and forwards, stifling
hot for february don't you think
about the family who love you
can't make the horse drink
another glass of wine waiting for the soup to cool
digs ya got here but the odor of trash is kind of strong
arms wrap about me and i shudder
as the frosted wind promises snow and ice
cream cones and popsicles so sweet
thyme and sage mixed together
you and i for life
is what you create in between
living and dying
*****************************************************

In Celebration of Life

we gather here tonight
in celebration of life
under the bloated moon
rancid party favors
moldering in the corner
where the clown sells
powder and spikes
and the pony demands
a ride around the field
when the singers begin
croaking out the tune
and the stench of the
human tallow candles
drips through my mind
in gouts of unshed blood
each carefully wrapped package
a noxious surprise
"remember! remember!"
happy happy birthday
to me

8/17/99

********************************************
Light Me

stumbling across the alley
as the streetlights play
hide n seek with each other
coughing into a closed fist
as my eyes run their course
down my stained cheeks

corner lamp post leaning
slightly to the left as
the passersby chant in
their unintelligible language
i hold my passport tightly
within stained hands

can i tell you how it feels
to be ever on the outside?
or will you smile your crooked smile
and flag down a cab to take you
to the borders of reality
away from my stained soul

setting filter to lips so
my words come out correctly
i wouldn't want you to get
the wrong impression of
my dishonest intentions or
a glimpse at my stained heart

drag me along behind you
and we play cat and mouse
as the vultures circle above
my wrist shakes again when
looking into your eyes
all i wanted was a light

********************************************

Like Yesterday

This day is here again
I don't know if I'll make it through
with all the memories and sadness
threatening to swallow me up
until I lose myself in the past
dreams unrealized, wishes unfulfilled
and yet when I think of you
I know that the most important dream
has already become your reality
I hope, as you look down upon my life
that you aren't too disappointed
in the things I've done
and the choices I've made
after all, it was you who taught me
to always follow my heart
to always try to be better than I think I am
to never forget where I come from
and to help those less fortunate than I
I'm trying, daddy, I really am
after all this time
I think I'm finally going to make it
But every now and then I need you
to reach down and take my hand
and guide me on my journey
make me feel safe again
the way you used to
Fourteen years is a long time
but the pain is still as fresh today
as it was then
I love you and I miss you so much
Wait for me, I'll be there when I can
**************************************************

<center>Make Up

in the quiet of early dawn
i unlock the sealed chest
and examine the contents
taking them one by one
and placing them on the table before me
synthetic locks to fall upon my shoulders
and hide my blemished face
glass marble eyes for the world to see
and protect my fragile mind
plasticine smile frozen in place
to cover the perpetual frown
and the gown of indifference
to shield my vulnerable soul
from the callousness of humanity
now i am ready
to face another day </center>
**************************************

Meaning?

a wreath to hang upon the door
mistletoe and holly
taken from the druids
lights and candles
from the romans
and the festival of saturnalia
and the tree
but there are so many origins
of the tree it is pointless
to go into them here
ancient egyptian, germanic
celtic and druidic rituals
of the solstice
yet even the day was 'borrowed'
and the legend of mithras
lives on in the life
of the christ child
but in all the confusion
a meaning was born
a sharing of love and life
celebration of new birth
where is that feeling now?
bloated by greed and misuse
devoured by half price sales
people fighting
over the last one on the shelf
greedy and hateful
a disgusting display
of our own inhumanity
where is the meaning now?
you won’t find it
in department stores
or online shopping sites
it isn’t in churches or schools
it is gone from most homes
but it still exists
in the dark corners and alleys
hidden from the casual glance
those who know the meaning
are there in the shadows
***********************************************

Never Knowing

my little love i don't know how
i can carry on this way
sometimes as i look at you
i see his face returning my gaze
but more worrying still, dear one
when you speak, at times
i hear my own words come forth
and it is a terrifying thing
i have said to myself numerous times
that i am glad you will never know
the man who donated the sperm
which led to your being
but lately i have been considering
that perhaps never knowing your mother
would have been just as beneficial
***************************************

Night

Here I am once again, late at night
wide awake, alone, scared
I shiver with the memory
of the place where I have been
a place full of fear and pain and misery
I think back on a time when
sleep was good and sleep was reviving
and now sleep is something to be avoided
at all costs
he is there waiting
and his friends are all there too
a multitude of horrors waiting for me to
turn off the lights
close my eyes
slip into their net
and let them have their way with me
again
again
again
no, never again
I turn the light back on
tears welling up, spilling out
cold sweat trembling
moaning
how can I survive this endless night
and the next one and the next one
so many nights
can I stay awake through them all?
No, that would certainly be
impossible
or at the very least it would be
like a living death
where I can never rest
never again know the bliss
of sweet, sweet wonderful sleep
***************************************************

No One At All

Wandering up the coast highway
filled with despair and regret
asking myself why I go on
An old Russian fort looms ahead
and I make a small side trip
out to the edge of the cliff
overlooking the sea
I stand looking out over the water
tears rolling down my cheeks
exhaustion consuming my mind
making it hard for me to think of
a reason to continue on
I stare straight down
to the rocks and sand below
and I wonder how it would feel
If I would feel anything at all
If it would be quick
If I would lie down there in agony
for an unknown time before
the sweet blackness takes me
I decide that I don't care
the burden of life is too much
for a seventeen year old girl
homeless and wretched
I step a little closer to the brink
steeling myself for the plunge
close my eyes and just as I start to take that last step
A woman's voice speaks from behind
'It's a wonderful view isn't it?
Kind of makes you glad to be alive.'
Opening my eyes, I turn to see
who is there talking to me
wasting my time when I could be
dead and gone already
and I see standing there
on the headland with me
no one at all
I stand there as the sun sets
and, yes it really is a wonderful view
As the darkness creeps in from the east
I turn away from the precipice
and walk on up the highway
***************************************************

Oblivion

facing the rising sun
blood red and bloated
marking a new day
full of torment and despair
capturing my thoughts
loathsome and darkling
winging them aloft
clutched in the vulture's talons
holding them suspended
dangling from the gibbet
as warmth flows
red from my opened wrists
down upon my soul
shrivelled and damned
i close my eyes
let the pain wash over me
and slip away once again
for the last time

Editor's note:
(On the Pages every other line was white text so it had to be highlighted to see the whole... two poems in one. If you read all odd lines you have one poem, all even lines the other)
***************************************************

Ode to an Excitable Boy

from the south american jungles
to the streets of soho
there is mourning
roland would bow his head
were such an appendage upon his shoulders
so he lowers his thompson in reverence

the meticulously coiffured lycanthrope
sets aside his pina colada
makes a special visit to his sartor
for a suit fit for the solemn occasion
and enters the chapel arm in arm
with her royal majesty

in the house as it burned down
smoke damaged, gasping, ravaged
by choices made and actions taken
all the lawyers, guns and money
in the world could not suffice
when the price is life

1/24/47 - 9/7/03 ... life'll kill ya

author's note: warren zevon passed away last night after losing his battle with lung cancer ...
************************************************

Only One

out of the blue
of a clear winter's day
doubled over in agony
festering poisons
puss inflamed
lying back upon
paper sheets
as the slow drip
brings nothingness
and the blade flashes
releasing the flow
yet ceasing my body's vengeance
upon my cowering soul
leaving me quivering
drug induced stupor
until the past is washed away
and i lie within my own
sweat soaked sheets
thanking the creator of all
that i have only one
and now it is gone

***********************************************
Rape

Cold wind
rainy night
shivering and damp
stray dog
moves down the alley
cars
drive by
on the main streets
but I am
in the dark
footsteps
closer
trying not to breathe
silence
‘don’t stop here
damn you!’
thoughts racing
he sees me
run
too late
hands
on my neck
pushing me down
mud
grime
pain
shame
he takes
what he wants
crying
hurting
blood running
I want to die

[heinzs]

(continued)

Renewing the Vow

it's still there
the one thing
that i haven't been able to purge
i saw it in my eyes last night
felt the slimy slick sickness of it
contaminating my being
will it ever come out
to be purged as the rest?
i have vowed that it will not
and for more than eight years
i have been true to my word
yet i wonder
how much relief would there be
in letting it go
and the consequences
she would hate me i am sure
and there would be
legal repurcussions
there is no statute of limitations
no, this thing will remain
behind my eyes
between me and my maker
forever
******************************

Shadow People

(A very dear friend of mine was diagnosed with DID - Disassociative Identity Disorder - last year. This was written just before the diagnosis ... after a long conversation with her when she still wasn't quite sure ... but had been experiencing some very intensely strange things ........)


The girl cowers in the corner
hands clutching an old and worn
but much loved copy
of the Torah
She is six
She is alone
No one comes to read to her
the stories of the Holy book
Years pass, still she is six
Others have begun to arrive
but they are shadows


He finds himself alone
among shadows in a dark place
confused, he wanders through
the dim corridors
He is twelve
He hears weeping
following the sound
he finds her, huddled in on herself
weeping, alone and frightened
She scrunches herself further into the corner
as he approaches
Gently he pulls her hands apart
to see what it is she holds


The other girl awakens
in a world of shadows
frightened, she creeps silently
down the twisting pathways
passing strange shadow people
who cluster together
floating like ghosts
she hears voices ahead
and follows their sound
She comes to a pleasant clearing
and sees a boy of about twelve
holding in his lap
a girl of about six
He is reading to her
stories from the Torah


Together these three survivors
live out their lives
He protects them,
as he protects their hostess
from any harm that may threaten
The older girl sits and silently watches
the younger girl as she sleeps
Sometimes the young girl gets frightened
runs and hides among the shadow people
which makes their hostess
shudder in misery with memory


His services aren't required
for a number of years
and they all drift in slumber
among the shadow people
Their hostess lives her life
on the outside
she is twenty-five
and in love


He awakens from his slumber
sensing danger, he is instantly on guard
looks through her eyes
for the threat that he knows is near
sex is the threat, it has always meant
pain and humiliation
but he has always come forward
to shield her from its ravages
He is confused, he can't see
but he can feel ... something
He comes forward now, a warning
when it goes unheeded, he comes again
a threat this time, serious, harsh
Making her take notice


He is tired, wants to go back to his rest
reading the Torah to the child
as the older girl looks on
He has put in years of service
doing the dirty work for his hostess
keeping her safe, keeping her sane
but now, he wants it to be over
She wants it to be over too
but until now has been unaware
of the existence of others
within herself
she doesn't know why they are there
and they terrify her


Late at night she sits and talks
to a friend, another survivor
about the shadow people
who dwell inside her mind
during the conversation
He begins to talk to her
from inside
he shows her his world
his comrades
all born of abuse
all tired of the war
wounded soldiers
hiding among the shadow people
she hears, she sees
now she begins to understand
who these people are
where they came from
why they remain
and what their purpose is


in the morning she will go
and delve into the dark spaces
of her own mind
perhaps, in time, she will at last
be free of the shadow people
and the three inner survivors
will finally be at rest
life will go on
motherhood, work, friendships
and the walking wounded
will be healed at last
and the corridors are clear
of the wandering shadow people

*************************************************
Shutting Down

humming dynamos run to
fever pitch
grating overworked turbines
acrid ozone reek
impending disaster screaming
overamped and underlubricated
spinning wildly until
just prior to meltdown
someone throws the switch
to the off position
and the machinery shuts down

(and sleep takes me
off to another land
once again)
********************************

Spirit Lantern

i saw last night, as in a dream,
a light shining in the darkness
illuminating nothing
yet ever present in its cold glow
and i thought 'here is the light
i have sought my whole life,
the glow i may bask in
for eternity'
so i followed
never gaining, never falling back
until at last i stood
at the brink, the unknown depth daunting,
mocking blank cadaver eyes
penetrate my mind with dreams of death
but the light beckons me
irresistibly and
stepping from the edge
i follow ...
***************************************

The Next To Go

hush
don't say it
the ears have walls
anything you say can
be used by others
in secret potions mixed
in old coffee cans
over sterno fires
in the back alleys of your mind

stop
keep silent
minds are terrible things
and someday someone
may actually use theirs
catastrophe in the making
when they find out you have
thoughts of your own
and they might be a little different

come
walk with me
take this urn filled with
the ashes of those who have
come and gone before you
climb up the highest peak
and lift the lid
scatter them with the wind
but keep their memories close within

if they find out you mourn them
you may be the next to go
*******************************************

<center>The Pillar

standing tall and proud
the pillar of society
wreathed in fronds of respect
clasps his hands about her throat
'accidents happen'
and the pillar falls
with a deafeningly silent roar </center>

---------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: i just read an article about the police chief in washington who shot himself and his wife in a parking lot ... lots of domestic violence in her attempts to get a divorce ... their children in another car close by knew their father had killed their mother as soon as they heard the shots ... i hope she lives ...

*************************************************************
Time Travelling In My Mind

Memories flood in
overriding all else
Today is far away
but yesterday is now
Strange turning of the clock
backward so fast
Breathless weakness overcomes
lying on the ground
amid the dying leaves and yellowed grass
of a time long past yet so close at hand
Searching for today
amidst the wreckage of the past
Finding only the memories
resplendant in their trappings
of anguish and torment
They envelope me in their embrace
and hold me here, trapped
I ride out the storm of emotion
until today returns, slowly
and tomorrow snatches a peek
through half drawn shades
***********************************************

Toxic Tinkerbelle

can i hold it all together
for just a little while longer?
watch the world spin crazily
as my heart leaps out of my skin

fairie dusted tales of youth
coming back to haunt me now
tiny wings beating against my mind
neverland waits for me

i must have made a wrong turn
past that second star
for as i went straight on
morning never came again
*********************************************

Upon A Star

as daylight fades and darkness falls
you shine above so bright
i have but one remaining wish
to ask of you tonight
when i go a'journeying across the sund'ring sea
please look upon my lovéd ones
and keep them safe for me

i must depart these bitter shores
that i have called my home
for i am called, my master's voice
does beckon me to roam
never to return again
for such is not my doom
so watch them, guard them, hold them dear
as flowers they will bloom

in growing tall and wise and fair
someday to understand
why i could not tarry there
and share their fairy land
and so to you i send this wish
my master calls to me
to bide there in unending peace
beyond the sund'ring sea
***********************************************

Vortex

if i were to tell you
about the things i see
what would your reaction be
and where would i fit within
the grand scale?

listen and you can hear
open your heart and you can feel
too many walk through life
blinded, deafened, unfeeling
is that you?

standing upon the brink
waiting for the final push
i watched as the hordes passed by
never once could i catch an eye
they are turned away

as the wind rose gasping
exhaling its charnel breath
into a miasma of doubt and despair
i bowed my head in sorrow
and wept silently

circling like a thousand crows
manically crying out their woes
reality spins about me
dizzying, nauseating, enthralling
can you see what is there?

deep within the shadowy void
an image barely discernable
yet so sickeningly familiar
with gleeful cackles of triumph
pulls me into the vortex

what is life when all is fear?
who can love when fear is life?
******************************************8

Where Once Were Four

as a whirlwind you came
blowing before you
the tatters of our lives
like discarded candy wrappers
lifted and twirled about
then sent flying
across vacant lots
brown with the bleakness
of cold november

unwelcome guest
casting about you
the grief that defines
who you are
single-minded of purpose
to defile all that is good
in the murky tainted water
you have left behind
we now must bathe

soon now you will go
blown upon charnel gusts
that bespeak your legacy
taking with you
our hopes and dreams
you grasp the remnants
of our lives, grinning
where once were four
three only remain
*********************************

White and Grey

i lay on my back
and held my breath just so
as i floated into the tube
but i felt as if
i was losing touch
with my body again
rushing down corridors
of white and grey
as the i.v. drips
and the world slips
away ...

*************************************************
(th-th-th-that's all, folks!!!) *grin*

[Berlie]

I just realised that these are all in alphabetical order. Is it going to be ok if i have to rearrange the order in order to get them to fit in the book?

[Berlie]

* added to book but not formated yet.