Bar Wars - Episode #400 (Parts 1 - 6) :Final Version

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Bar Wars - Episode #400 (Parts 1 - 6) :Final Version

Post by The Ravyn » Wed Mar 03, 2004 11:16 pm


Long ago
in a far off galaxy
(okay, okay, yesterday
down the street and around the corner
everyone's a friggin critic!)

The limousine hurtled through the night bearing Princess Saturn to her refuge, a small seedy dive previously run by a fanatic Irishman with a bladder problem. Close behind followed the Imperial louts in the service of Bags Vader, the previously mentioned Irish Depends vendor. Bags had recently evicted the residents of a retirement home and converted it into a den of iniquity and subversion. Just as the motorcycle riding Imperialists were about to overtake the limo, Princess Saturn scrawled down a hasty note describing the evil deeds of Bags Vader and his puppet string puller, Emperor Watson. She rolled it up, inserted it into an empty Jack Daniels bottle and tossed it out the window.

The motocycles screamed their exhaust fumes into the night as they surrounded the limo and abducted the princess, not without a few nasty phrases and considerable flailing of Sicilian arms. Although bruising many, their numbers were too great and her stick was taken away. She was bound hand and foot to be dragged down the street to the Imperial Bar and Grill.

Meanwhile, at the tattoo parlor three blocks away, Kupe Stargazer dreamed of becoming a professional motocross racer while administering badly rendered, out of focus tattoos upon unsuspecting inebriated clients who stumble in at 1 a.m. after leaving the notorious bars and strip joints down the street. His uncle left this place to him upon his death, but Kupe has never really pictured himself as a tattooist and his work has always been half hearted. Closing up the shop for the night, he stumbled down the street towards home. A limo, with a crazed looking woman hanging out the window screaming, careened wrecklessly down the street past him. Shaking his head in wonder, he stooped to pick up a Jack Daniels bottle lying near the wall of his shop hoping there was one last shot left in the bottom. Instead he found a hastily scrawled note signed by the Princess Saturn. The handwriting was barely legible and the remains of the whiskey had caused the ink to blur, but he was able to make out the name Obi-wan Q-nobi. Wondering if this mysterious entity might be related to the old hermit who wandered the alleys and slept in old carboard boxes, he stuffed the soggy note into his shirt pocket after licking the remaining traces of liquor off.

Seeing this as a way to springboard himself into fame and fortune, and possibly into the arms of royalty, he hurried down to the Harley shop where his friend Heinz Solo worked customizing Hogs and painting ketchup bottle labels while smoking strangely aromatic herbs. However, unknown to Kupe, the Imperialists saw him retrieve the bottle and note and were now in hot pursuit.

Heinz Solo sat in the office of his Harley shop puffing on a spleef and idly tossing a 5/8" combination wrench in the air and catching it. His furry co-worker, Drewbacca, was fiddling with the suspension of an old Pan Head out in the bay. Suddenly the door crashed open and in rushed Kupe, an annoying little man who had delusions of grandeur riding Japanese dirt bikes painted in grotesque shades of orange and green with tacky little numbers pasted to their sides. With him was old Ben Q-nobi, the street bum. Quickly they explained the situation with the Princess and the evil emperor and his lackeys. Heinz immediately took charge of the situation, ordering them all to pile into his customized shovelhead trike. However, before they could make good their escape a dozen badly dressed thugs stormed in and hauled them all off to the lair of the underground kingpin Java the Gut, the notorious Thief of Dreams.

Heinz, Kupe, Q-nobi and Drewbacca stood in shackles before Java the Gut, a very large man whose torso resembled that of Buddha. (However, if you ever rubbed his belly for luck, the only luck you would have would be ... really bad) Beside him on a raised platform in the middle of the large room sat a scantily clad Egyptian woman.

"What have we here? Spies? These don't look much like Feds. What kind of riff-raff are you?"

Egypt leaned over and whispered in his ear while handing him an open ledger book.

"Heinz Solo, hmmmm. Let me see." he thumbed through a few pages. "Yes, it seems you took out a loan some while ago, Mr. Solo, in the amount of $20,000. One that you've neglected to repay. What do ya think we oughtta do about that hmmm?"

"Makes a great tax write off." Heinz replied.

"Yes, if I paid taxes that might be true. Too bad for you that I don't. I see here that you own a motorcycle customizing shop. Good! You must have some parts inventory, tools, such like? Not to mention paints, thinners, solvents, other flammable materials? I'll just take over ownership of that establishment starting today." Java rubbed his chin while Egypt whispered in his ear again. He turned and smiled at her then turned back to Heinz. "However, we may have to liquidate our assets. I do hope you have fire insurance ... ?"

"Well ..." Heinz turned red, "I haven't exactly kept up with the insurance payments either. Lousy economy ya know. Tell ya what, give me a year to bounce back from the current market depression and I'll see what I can do for ya."

"A pity and a shame." Java frowned. Turning to Egypt he said "Darlin, why don't you see about reinstating the Insurance down at Heinz's place. How much it would cost us in the short term and have some of the boys go round there to see what his stock of flammables is. I like a good fire!"

It was a commonly known fact that Java the Gut was a pyromaniac. Most fires in the city were thought to have been started by him personally, although there was never any proof.

Q-nobi cleared his throat and said "Well Mr. Gut, I think that from a business standpoint the torching of Mr. Solo's establishment would be a bad direction to take. You see, you could make more money if you became partners, a joint venture as it were."

Heinz took a long toke and nodded, stifling a cough.

"Therefore I propose the following solution to our problem." continued Q-nobi. "You become partners in the business and forgive Mr. Solo his debts, along with any interest which has accrued, and we will provide the 'fireworks' at a completely different location. For this little bon fire to work out, however, we need the help of yourself and your ... " he glanced around the room at the badly attired thugs, " ... associates."

Q began to outline a scenario to Java which involved violence, bloodshed and fire, all of the things he loved the most. Java began to chuckle.

"You drive a hard bargain for a street bum. Perhaps you're more than you show yourself to be. I accept your proposal." He turned to Egypt. "Darlin, make us up a ..." he grinned at Heinz " ... legal and binding contract with Mr. Solo here!"

Bags Vader stood looking out the front window of the Imperial Bar and Grill. The princess was safely ensconced in the back store-room, having been relieved of her cigars and Jack Daniels stash. Emperor Wats sat at the bar eating peanuts and tossing the shells on the already filthy floor. Taking another swig of his green beer he turned to Bags Vader.

"So, you have the princess. Now we just need to destroy the last refuge of the rebels and we can lay claim to the entire bar district."

Vader turned slowly from the window. "Not exactly that simple Excellency. I feel a presence. The Farce is strong within him."

"You worry too much Baggy. We've got everything right where we want it. It's only a matter of time before the princess tells us what we want to know. A few hours without cigars and Jack and she'll be reduced to a helpless babe!" the emperor grinned revealing two rows of teeth in an advanced state of decay.

Vader, hiding his worried frown behind his jet black Nazi motorcycle helmet (complete with full face wrap around visor) turned back to the window. "As you say, Excellency. I think I need to go out for a while and pay a visit to our friends down the street."

Meanwhile, back at the Rebel Pub, Kupe, Heinz Solo, Drewbacca and Ben Q-Nobi (who has revealed himself to be none other than Master Obi-wan Q-nobi of the order of the Dead-Eye) were arguing with Libra Calrissian and Java the Gut over old unpaid loans and interest rates. Preston, also known as Yo-duh, sat alone in a corner attempting to catch rats by dangling small bits of cheese in front of their rat-hole and grabbing them quickly by the whiskers as they poked their little rat faces out. Mostly he was just showing off his ultra-fast Dead-Eye reflexes but no one was paying any attention to him. Suddenly the sun was blotted out by shadow.

"Hmmm was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?" Kupe asked the room at large.

Heinz Solo stared out the window at the gleaming white orb hovering there. "That's no moon! It's a ...

Outside the Rebel Pub, Bags Vader wiggled his bare-moon-behind in front of the window, sniggered quietly, pulled his pants back up and walked back up the street to the Imperial.

Kupe pounded his fist on the bar. "We have to do something for the Princess! We can't let Bags Vader torture her with green beer and peanuts!"

"Easy there junior." Heinz chided "The Imperial's guarded tighter than a nun's ... "

"Pussy cats you they love, eating you they will be." croaked Yo-duh in the corner by the rat-hole.

"For the umpteenth time Yo-duh, Drewey isn't a cat!" Heinz yelled in exasperation.

Drewbacca growled in agreement.

Java eyed the increasing numbers of rats in Yo-duh's rat cage. "What in the hell are you going to do with all them rats anyway?"

"Eat them I will. Tasty they are!"

Kicking Yo-duh soundly, Java lumbered across the room to see what Kupe and Heinz were up to. Heinz had a floor plan of the Imperial spread out on the bar, held down at the corners with shot glasses.

"Ok, we can get in through the sewer lines. See? The main goes right under the Imperial here near the back. If i guess right they have the princess tied up and stuffed away in one of the old Depends closets. We're gonna need a diversion. Kupe? You get on that old Yamaha of yours and distract them out front. Gut, call out all your thugs and stage a full frontal. Assault you imbicile! Assault! Jeezaloo! Get your head out of the gutter! Q-nobi, Libra, Drewey and I will cut our way up from the sewer main. Q, you're in charge of demolitions. Lib, you find the green beer vats and bust 'em all open. I'll find her royal bloody highness and get her the hell out of there before the fecal matter hits the oscillating rotator. Drewey, you guard our escape hatch. Everyone ready?"

"Help you I will. Defeat them I can!" croaked Yo-duh, wiping tell-tale traces of rat fur and blood off of his chin.

Heinz looked at him in disgust. "You stay here and make sure no one tries any funny stuff. And for chrissake leave the friggin' rats alone will ya?"

Looking at the others, he growled "Let's go!"

In the Depends store room at the back of the Imperial, Princess Saturn struggled to free herself from her bonds. After a great deal of struggling, and an even greater deal of cursing and grunting, she got her hands free. Quickly untying her legs, she crept silently to the door and carefully tried the knob. It was, of course, locked. "Son of a ... " she muttered under her breath. Then she turned to survey her cell, hoping to find some cigars or maybe a left behind and forgotten about bottle of Jack lying in some out of the way corner. No such luck. The window had bars on the outside, so that was no good, although in glancing at the window she noticed that her lovely cinnamon bun hair-do was now a straggle of badly woven dreadlocks. "SON OF A ..." she fumed. Once she calmed down, which was quite a while (Sicilian temper and all, you know) she surveyed the rest of her cell. The only thing in the room was a box of Depends. Pulling one of the adult diapers from the box, the beginnings of an idea began to form in her head.

Bags Vader walked down the hall to the locked storage closet. Reaching into a hidden pocket within his long black Waffen SS trench coat, he extricated a keyring, fumbled around with it for a few moments squinting in the dim light of the hallway. At last he found the key and opened the door. Princess Saturn sat demurely on top of the box of Depends.

"Torture me if you must, but I'll never tell you the secret of The Rebel's success!" she exclaimed.

Bags looked around the room in confusion. "I'm sorry ma'am" he slurred through a fog of green beer breath, "I thought this was the men's."

Backing out, he stumbled further down the hall, leaving the store room door ajar. Princess Saturn seized the opportunity, and a handful of Depends, and crept quietly out into the hallway. The Juke box was playing some annoying Johnny Cash song out in the main barroom. All the better, she thought, as that would mask any sound she made. Opening one of the doors across the hall, she found the liquor storage area. Peering closely at the labels in the dim light, she finally found what she sought, cracked the seal and took a long shot of Jack.

"Aaaaah! Now if I only had a stogie!" she whispered to herself.

Rummaging further on the shelves, she found a box of Tiparillos. Not exactly what she had in mind, but good enough for now! Cracking the seal on a bottle of Jim Beam, she doused the Depends with the liquor, one bottle for each diaper, and piled them near the shelves.

"Son of a ... no friggin lighter!"

Becoming a bit nervous about getting recaptured, she hurriedly searched the shelves until at last she found a book of matches. The cover proclaimed "The Rebel Pub - No Green Beer Here, Bub!" Smiling to herself, she checked the hallway. It was still clear so she struck the match and prepared to drop it into the pile of Depends.

Somewhere beneath the city in the general vacinity of the Imperial Bar and Grill, half choked by the stench of sewage, Q-nobi, Drewbacca, Heinz and Libra came to a halt.

"Ok, this is the place. Drewey, give me the cutting torch!" Heinz ordered.

Drewbacca handed over the heavy oxy-acetylene contaption willingly enough. He just wanted to get out of this sewer as fast as possible. Heinz Solo Lit the torch and began cutting through the top of the drain they were in. 10 minutes later he had cut through. Heinz poked his head out the hole to find himself looking down the alley behind the Imperial.


"What 'oops'? What the hell is that?" demanded Libra Calrissian. "Look Solo, I didn't come slogging through this muck so you could screw everything up."

He poked his head out the hole and cursed under his breath.

"Ok, so we go another fifty feet and do it again. No problem!" Q-nobi was always the cool headed one.

Fifty feet further down the drainage pipe, Heinz again fired up the cutting torch and cut through the top of the pipe. Just as he was finishing the cut he heard a muffled "whoompf" sound from above.

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

The cut piece of pipe fell, and with it came half a dozen flaming Depends, turning the sewer into a scene from "The Towering Inferno Meets The Poseidon Adventure" gone badly awry. Luckily, the "water" (if such it could be called) doused the flames.

"Well, of all the stupid mucked up idiotic ... Who the hell are you and what the hell do you think you're doing here?" came a voice from above. Staring up, Libra saw Princess Saturn staring down at them.

"We're rescuing you, princess." stated Heinz. "Crawl your scrawny Sicilian arse down here now!"

"Oh! This is some rescue! I had things well in hand, thank you very much, before you came along and fouled up my whole plan!"

"Really, miss, keep your voice down." hissed Libra.

"Look, there is NO WAY I am crawling around in that foul smelling filth encrusted friggin ..."

Just then Emperor Wats came through the door followed by Bags Vader and a couple of goons.

"Ok, someone give me a hand down?" Saturn said sweetly.

In front of the Imperial, Kupe Stargazer, Java the Gut and a regiment of thugs positioned themselves across the street. Kupe revved up his Yamaha 2 stroke Avacado Green dirt bike and popped the clutch. Front tire in the air, he crashed through the window of the Imperial just as the Emperor and Vader were entering the store room. Landing nimbly, he goosed the throttle and jumped the bike onto the bar, burned rubber the length of it, and jumped back down. Spinning donuts on the pool table and racing back and forth crashing into everything he could see, Stargazer was having the time of his life. In his mind, he was winning the championship race and would soon have the trophy, the money, and the girl.

Bags Vader turned from the store room saying to the Emperor, "You get the princess, I'll take care of Stargazer."

Princess Saturn was halfway down the hole when two goons grabbed her under the arms. Heinz and Libra had a hold of her legs. Each pair was pulling with all their might.

“Guys! Hey guys! Remember me? The princess? Could ya maybe lighten up a little bit here? I’m startin to feel like the main event at a taffy pull, ya know?”

Drewey stepped up and grabbed The Princess’ legs and gave a very hard pull. The goons above lost their grip and Saturn slid down the hole into the sewer. Heinz, Libra and Q-nobi scrambled up through the hole into the Imperial.

“Stay with Drewey! We’ll finish up with these bozos!” Heinz shouted down to her.

“Oh my! Big doggy! Nice doggy! Ummm could you maybe let go of me now?” she asked nervously.

Drewey dropped her into the muck.

Java the Gut ordered his thugs to advance on the Imperial from across the street.

“Ok boys, try not to hit anyone on our side, huh?” he reminded them.

Just then a swarm of Imperial goons broke out through the front door. Java’s thugs began strafing them with gunfire, rocks, empty green beer bottles and Beanie Babies.

“Yo! Who’s the comedian?” Java yelled. “We want to hurt em not play with em ok?”

Kupe was still in motocross heaven when from the hallway came the sound of another dirt bike. Bags Vader roared into the room on his lime green Kawasaki with the number 666 on the little oval front plate and a skull and crossbones emblem on the tank.

“We meet at last young Stargazer!” he said.

“Oh, you don’t look so tough. Nice outfit though. Where can I get one of those cool helmets?”

Vader goosed the throttle and sped directly at Kupe. At the last moment, Kupe popped the clutch and sped out of the way.

“You are learning well. Let’s see if you have learned to use the Farce!” Bags chuckled.

“Farce schmarce! I got real skill, not some over-rated voodoo juju helping me!”

“Then let’s see if you can ride, pup!”

Both motorcycles roared out of the Imperial, dodged through Java’s thugs and raced down the street, the sound of their engines fading with distance.

Heinz, Q-nobi and Libra stood staring at Emperor Wats and his two goons.

“Well, the numbers are even now big boy! Let’s see if you can fight!” Libra shouted.

Wats ordered his goons into action while backing out of the store room and making for the back door. Q-nobi drew his trusty 6 D-Cell Maglite, switched it on and shined it into the eyes of the goon on the left. Temporarily blinded, the goon stumbled. Q bopped him on the head, sending him crashing to the floor unconscious. Heinz and Libra wrestled the second goon to the floor and Q helped them tie him up with a handy bit of nylon twine that just seemed to happen to be there.

“Should we tie him up too?” Libra asked, pointing at the unconscious goon.

“That won’t be necessary.” Replied Q tossing the Maglite up and catching it. “When Maggie speaks, people listen!”

Down in the sewer, Princess Saturn noticed a light coming from about 50 feet back down the pipe. Curious, she made her way through the muck to see what it was. Drewey, being distracted by peering up through the hole and watching the excitement inside the Imperial, didn’t notice. Poking her head up through the hole in the alley, she saw Emperor Wats cautiously opening the back door. Quickly she pulled herself out of the hole and hid around the corner. Turning, she saw her limo parked next to the building. Opening the door, she looked inside for her stick. It was there! Leaning against the passenger side of the front seat!

“Oh yeah, baby!” she thought to herself.

Taking the stick, she peered back around the corner. Wats was uncovering what looked like a 1965 Shelby GT-40.

“Impossible!” she thought. “No one in this neighborhood has THAT kind of money!”

Nevertheless, there it was. A finer get away car you couldn’t ask for. Wats was sliding into the driver’s seat when Princess Saturn grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back out.

Brandishing her stick menacingly, she said “So, dreadlocks huh? Do you know how much I hate dreadlocks?”

She began raining blows onto the car with her stick. Glass went flying. Metal crumpled. Wats fell to his knees.

“Please! Not the car! Beat me to a pulp if you must, but not the car!” he pleaded.

“Hmmm ok. I have a better idea. You and I are going to make an appointment to see my personal hairdresser!” she grinned as she hauled him to his feet and dumped him into the backseat of her limo. Climbing behind the wheel, she sped off down the street.

Back inside, Heinz, Q-nobi and Libra were breaking up the green beer vats and smashing everything that was left unsmashed by Kupe. At the door, Java peered in, surrounded by thugs.

Heinz turned to Libra and grinned. “Let’s torch the place!”

Libra grinned back, drew his trusty Ronson from his inside pocket and spun the wheel. Hesitating, he turned to Java.

"You want to do the honors?" he asked.

Moments later the whole place was a flaming inferno.

Heinz, Q, Libra, Java and the thugs watched from across the street. Suddenly, off to the left of the burning building, a fearsome apparition appeared. It stalked out into the street. The thugs raised their weapons, ready to fire.

“Drewey?” Heinz inquired.

Drewbacca growled in answer. Heinz ran and embraced him.

“Oh man! How we gonna get all that sh …stuff off your fur?”

A week later at the Rebel Pub, Heinz and Princess Saturn were shooting pool. Yo-duh sat in his corner near the rat hole, his rat cage handy and filled almost to overflowing, chanting "Nice rats you are. Hungry I am!"

Obi-wan Q-nobi was demonstrating his flashlight prowess to Libra and the former Emperor Wats. Wats was sporting a nifty new hair-do. His hair was cut very short, dyed bright pink with the slogan: "The Rebel Pub - No Green Beer Here, Bub!" shaved across the back. Java and his Egyptian lady friend lounged on the sofa watching some silly sports broadcast on the new wide screen HDTV unit. Drewbacca sat at the bar, very self conscious. Much of his fur had been shorn off in order to cleanse the sewer muck, which had dried and matted very badly.

Kupe sat at the bar nursing a normal AMBER beer and gloating over his recent motocross victory over the weekend. Behind the bar, once again, was Bags Vader. As it turns out, Vader was in actuality the father of both Kupe and Princess Saturn: Annoyin Stargazer. He was giving Kupe some pointers on how to keep his dirt bike running at peak performance. Ven, the newly hired buxom cocktail waitress, (we can see the tissue stuffed in your bra dearie, you aren't fooling anyone you know!) was going table to table taking orders and delivering drinks while keeping an eye open for troublemakers she might have to evict bodily.

Above the bar, silent but ever watchful, perched a ravyn.

The empty lot up the street served as a reminder of what can happen when a family, or very close friends, become enemies. For now, however, things seemed to be back to normal ... or were they????
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye

whatever you do ... don't click here

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Post by thief of dreams » Mon May 16, 2005 2:47 pm

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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Post by Spazway » Mon May 16, 2005 3:32 pm

Cute. :mrgreen: I thoroughly enjoyed this.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. ~ A. A. Milne

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