Falling Away
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- The Ravyn
- riding the cyclone
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Falling Away
suspend the moment by a heart string
to dance fluttering in the wind
let it fall to be swept away
into the nothingness of time's chasm
in darkness entombed
forever lost
no one stops to lay flowers
near the headstone
to dance fluttering in the wind
let it fall to be swept away
into the nothingness of time's chasm
in darkness entombed
forever lost
no one stops to lay flowers
near the headstone
Last edited by The Ravyn on Thu Nov 20, 2003 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye
whatever you do ... don't click here
j. kaye
whatever you do ... don't click here
- Tom Watson
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Ravyn, this is such an enjoyable read offering a contemplation of lost moments, dead to the present. I would normally not even think of this, but since you indicated a critque was wanted, I would like to offer the following thought:
With the title "Falling Away", I might suggest adding punctuation and shortening your lines thus lengthening the poem to better present the "fluttering" falling away.
Suspend the moment
by a heart string;
to dance,
fluttering,
in the wind.
Let it fall,
to be swept
away,
into nothingness
of time's chasm;
in darkness
entombed;
forever lost.
No one stops
to lay flowers
near
the
headstone.
Doc
Doc.
With the title "Falling Away", I might suggest adding punctuation and shortening your lines thus lengthening the poem to better present the "fluttering" falling away.
Suspend the moment
by a heart string;
to dance,
fluttering,
in the wind.
Let it fall,
to be swept
away,
into nothingness
of time's chasm;
in darkness
entombed;
forever lost.
No one stops
to lay flowers
near
the
headstone.
Doc
Doc.
"Whispers of Love" a book of poetry expressing love of the heart and spirit is released worldwide on August 11, 2009. Visit my home page at
Books From Grace for more information or Amazon.com
- Ven
- Forum Admin - and Closet Hippie
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Hi Ravyn,
Echoing Dr. Watson, my only suggestion would be the addition of punctuation.
I actually prefer your original layout. Although I can see what Tom is thinking with the "falling away" idea, aesthetically I don't think it works too well with this particular piece.
I would probably have laid it our something like this;
Suspend the moment by a heart string;
to dance,
fluttering, in the wind.
Let it fall,
to be swept away,
into the nothingness of time's chasm;
in darkness entombed;
forever lost.
No one stops to lay flowers
near the headstone.
Thoroughly enjoyed the write ... and the opportunity to voice an opinion.
The next one I write will be posted with the critique icon too
Echoing Dr. Watson, my only suggestion would be the addition of punctuation.
I actually prefer your original layout. Although I can see what Tom is thinking with the "falling away" idea, aesthetically I don't think it works too well with this particular piece.
I would probably have laid it our something like this;
Suspend the moment by a heart string;
to dance,
fluttering, in the wind.
Let it fall,
to be swept away,
into the nothingness of time's chasm;
in darkness entombed;
forever lost.
No one stops to lay flowers
near the headstone.
Thoroughly enjoyed the write ... and the opportunity to voice an opinion.
The next one I write will be posted with the critique icon too
.
"Forever is short thought when your skipping this close to the edge".
Ven's MYSPACE
___________________
Google this number; 1905363966
.
"Forever is short thought when your skipping this close to the edge".
Ven's MYSPACE
___________________
Google this number; 1905363966
.
Reply
Ravyn this is a lovely , rather sad poem. Enjoyed reading. Maggie
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
- The Ravyn
- riding the cyclone
- Posts: 306
- Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2001 12:01 am
- Tag line: We miss you Jen
- Location: Denver, CO
- Contact:
hi all and thanks for the input! punctuation is the bane of my existence ... lol i had originally laid it out much like tom suggested but i didn't like it. maybe when i grow up i'll start using punctuation ;o) i liked what you did with it ven. thanks again! *s*
take my hand if you don't know where you're goin' ... i'll understand .... i've lost the way myself ...
j. kaye
whatever you do ... don't click here
j. kaye
whatever you do ... don't click here
- thief of dreams
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So sad, being forgotten...Great poetry...Blessings ~EE~
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~Let em all know just how raw I am so they don't expect pink roses in the morning ~D.W.~
It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimatly cause a typhoon half way across the world ~Chaos Theory~
...My wings are the cause...
View My:Archive </center>
- Devoid.Of.Emotion
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