My first poem in iambic pentameter

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Jarrad Dickson

My first poem in iambic pentameter

Post by Jarrad Dickson » Mon Dec 13, 2004 1:45 pm

Loves Vengeance

The pressure of this starless sky you placed
So hard upon my weakened shoulders love,
That weariness has now brought round a cold
And merciless old grudge of saddened bought;
I will so think of why in wonder love,
That you so godly made in blissfullness
Did sleep with sneakiness behind my back.
Now backwards more I step to contemplate
And trace of your footsteps on bedroom floors;
I know you still think in freedom girl,
Proclaiming yourslef out as pure and white,
Yet think of me I please proclaim to you
Of all graces, that this is love of so
Profound my heart and hand has stabbed him sheer.

That is obviously about adultery and revenge even though i am young.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Dec 13, 2004 1:57 pm

Cool! 90% iambic. These lines are NOT iambic:

"And trace of your footsteps on bedroom floors;
I know you still think in freedom girl,
Proclaiming yourslef out as pure and white,

Of all graces, that this is love of so "

Here's a suggestion to make them iambic:

And trace your footsteps soft on bedroom floors;
And yet I know in freedom you still think,
Proclaim yourself as pure and white dear girl,
Yet think of me I please declare to you
Of graces all, this love shall surely do
Confound my heart, your hand has stabbed it sheer.

Just a thought...


:mrgreen:
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Richard taylor

Post by Richard taylor » Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:22 am

very nice work in a differcult form
richard

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