A pantoum....Listening Lake

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jeannerené
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A pantoum....Listening Lake

Post by jeannerené » Sat May 15, 2004 11:17 am

Well I thought I'd try this with a rhyme first....I like this form....but I'm going to try one with no rhyme next.....appreciate any thoughts.....it still needs work....doesn't flow quite right yet....Love moans in reverie sorrow's name.....bad line....but not coming up with something else right now
**********
Updated...with changes


Listening Lake

On voiceless nights her lullaby looms
Rising up from the listening lake.
Faithful crickets strum of ill-fated doom
To a lyric that makes the moon quake.

Rising up from the listening lake,
Love moans reverie in sorrow's name
To a lyric that makes the moon quake.
"Heart so still, it chills my hand in blame."

Love moans reverie in sorrow's name,
"Sweet William of mine. Sweet Will," she weeps.
"Heart so still, it chills my hand in blame.
Lay now in the arms of angels and sleep."

"Sweet William of mine. Sweet, Will," she weeps
By the listening lake that keeps her tears.
"Lay now in the arms of angels and sleep.
Let me follow in death's endless years."

By the listening lake that keeps her tears
Faithful crickets strum of ill-fated doom.
"Let me follow in death's endless years,"
On voiceless nights her lullaby looms.


jeanne rene 5/04
Last edited by jeannerené on Sat Sep 15, 2007 3:36 pm, edited 7 times in total.
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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Richard taylor

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Post by Richard taylor » Sat May 15, 2004 11:27 am

very lovely jeanne, the rhyme is near perfect well done
Richard

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Sat May 15, 2004 12:34 pm

Jeanne, just change the line to read:

"Love moans reverie in sorrow's name"

a simple reversal of two words changes the whole line, and I think it works better in this pantoum.

:heinzs:
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jeannerené
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Post by jeannerené » Sat May 15, 2004 1:42 pm

Thanks so much Richard.

Thanks Heinz....I agree ...a little change like that made a big difference. :cool:
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Sat May 15, 2004 5:46 pm

It always amazes me how a small change in word juxtaposition changes lines or whole stanzas!

:cheers:
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jeannerené
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Post by jeannerené » Mon May 17, 2004 8:36 pm

I know ... a simple word switch....can make quite a difference....thanks for suggesting it....

jeanne
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

Image

~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

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debab
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Post by debab » Tue May 18, 2004 7:32 pm

jeanne, a beautiful write.
>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<

...Yet the stones remain less real to those who cannot
name them, or read the mute syllables graven in silica.
To see a red stone is less than seeing it as jasper—
metamorphic quartz, cousin to the flint the Kiowa
carved as arrowheads.
To name is to know and remember
_____________'Words', Dana Gioia







~*~

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jeannerené
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Post by jeannerené » Sun May 23, 2004 8:18 pm

Thanks Deb....it took awhile...but it was fun....

jeanne
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

Image

~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

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Tom Watson
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Post by Tom Watson » Mon Jul 05, 2004 12:49 pm

Oh, man...Jeanne, this is what poetry is all about...when written as well as you have done, this style is almost magical to read...
You are truly talented young lady.

:bow:

Tom
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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Sat Sep 01, 2007 2:12 pm

:bump:
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An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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Tony Fiona
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Post by Tony Fiona » Sun Sep 02, 2007 2:46 pm

a wonderful write
a wonderful read
a favorite
" There's a race of men that can't stay still
A race that don't fit in
They break the hearts of kith and kin
and roam the world at will. " ------------Robert Service
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jeannerené
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Post by jeannerené » Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:52 pm

Thank you Heinz and Tony....

.jeanne. :hello:
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

Image

~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

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Milk White Chocolate
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Post by Milk White Chocolate » Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:10 am

This is a really beautiful poem... :bow:

I love the pantoum form, even though it can be quite a challenge to write.
I agree with tom...you are truly talented... :bow:
Money don't make me so broke can't break me.
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