Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

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xmartinx=]
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Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by xmartinx=] » Wed Nov 24, 2010 4:17 am

Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

An innocent creature that flutters by,
From the egg, to the wind, to the sky it rise,
Its wings spread wide, it learns to fly,
Its bad by man, but good in gods eyes.
Each does what it can to survive,
Both does for self, one does for greed,
For both seek blood ere false to thrive,
To separate the human, want from need.
Each controls the host it holds,
For life or death it is their choice,
Each victim no choice but its destiny folds,
Until the dark is given a voice,
Both killed by netting, a simple trap,
To overthrow each other, each weapon a prick,
A dagger, a hand a simple tap,
One squashed, one stabbed both deaths by trick,
Blood both run down the others hand,
This had began upon blood and sand.
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "

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heinzs
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by heinzs » Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:54 am

good imagery. Delivery is a bit choppy. some verb tense issues. I'm not sure you have convincingly portrayed a comparison/contrast argument. It's a great start. Keep at it.

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xmartinx=]
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by xmartinx=] » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:36 am

thanks, ill attempt a re write to make it simpler and thank you for the critisism. ill be impressed if anyone can identify the two things i am comparing...
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "

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heinzs
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by heinzs » Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:25 am

Well... I think I have my own idea what two "creatures" you are comparing, and therefore create my personal interpretation... as each reader will do in turn. Sometimes the poet's concept encompasses a greater reality than the poet has originally envisioned.

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xmartinx=]
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by xmartinx=] » Wed Dec 08, 2010 3:07 am

thanks you, yes i agree, each peom can be interpreted by different readers but i meant for the others to guess and give their suggestions. =]
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "

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moonflower
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by moonflower » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:56 pm

this is captivating! ..and very challenging..i am continuing to ponder the two creatures..enjoyed! :thumbsup:
inside each soul there is music...let the music play..

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Odd D
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by Odd D » Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:21 pm

I envision a bat as one of the creatures. At first I was thinking bat and bird, but I'm doubting myself very seriously on that now. Now I'm thinking spider and... Meh, I dunno. :shrug: Ha ha

I do have to agree with Mr. H here in that I find a few parts a spot choppy. Particularly the beginning, when what I thought was the first creature is described. It starts out "An," implying that there is only the one creature, then, without real transition from the thought of a singular being, goes on to use "Each" and "Both" to begin the next two lines. Where was the second creature described, or did the second creature begin the same way as the first? There simply isn't any separation in describing the two is what I think I'm trying to say.

I dunno, just some thoughts I thought I'd throw out just in case you decide to do the re-write! :mrgreen: I like the concept!
"No one ultimately knows what they're saying anyway. Are we really making art? Art doesn't belong to us. It doesn't belong to people, it belongs to the universe. It comes FROM the universe. It comes THROUGH us. When I write something, I think I know what I'm saying, but I never pretend to know the full meaning of the words."
- Serj Tankian

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xmartinx=]
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Re: Two Opposite, Similar Creatures

Post by xmartinx=] » Thu Mar 03, 2011 2:56 am

i think its about time i gave the awnser. i was comparing the difference between a mosquito and man. great guesses tho =]
thanks for reading!!! =] " ill never strafe, ill never wonder, all absence does is make the heart grow fonder "

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