Time (Seeking Refinement, Critique ect..)

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

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CamelToe
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Time (Seeking Refinement, Critique ect..)

Post by CamelToe » Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:59 pm

Yesterday Today and Tomorrow, all measures of time.

Irrelevant when it comes down to it, present tense is the only thing that makes sense.
Grouped in the measures of eternity yet it can not be measured in any fraction of time.

Its the future before you even developed the concept, none existent in your frame of time
Its here and gone before you can finish the thought, becoming the past before you know its gone.
__________________________________________________________________________________

:critique:

This just feels awkward to read for me, I'm not sure how to fix it.
I'm also stuck as how to finish it, feels unfinished
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before

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heinzs
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Re: Time (Seeking Refinement, Critique ect..)

Post by heinzs » Sun Dec 09, 2012 11:23 am

The concept seems clear enough. Some of the awkwardness comes in the length of the lines giving mixed signals to natural breaks in rhythm or speech pattern. Your internal rhyme in the first couplet actually brightens the piece. You could try breaking that into a rhyming couplet accomplishing two goals with one move. The second couplet is quite unwieldy and needs to be reworked.

Here's a preliminary quickie suggestion for how you might attack this:

Yesterday Today and Tomorrow
all measures of time... irrelevant.

When it comes down to it, present tense
is the only thing that makes sense.
You cannot measure eternity
in fractions of time or the blink of an eye.

It's the future before you can think it
nonexistent in your frame of time.
It's here and gone while lost in thought
becomes the past before you know it.

I'm sure you know where you need to go with it to achieve your purposes. My suggestion comes from my interpretation of the words you have offered and is not meant as any form of criticism. Minimalize where you can and show or feel rather than tell.
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CamelToe
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 30
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 12:37 am
Tag line: It is what it is
Location: Server in Indianapolis

Re: Time (Seeking Refinement, Critique ect..)

Post by CamelToe » Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:24 pm

heinzs wrote: Some of the awkwardness comes in the length of the lines giving mixed signals to natural breaks in rhythm or speech pattern.
Yes I see what you mean

I like what you did with it, Now to see if I can use your example to make it my own once again
heinzs wrote: Minimalize where you can and show or feel rather than tell.
I do tend to be long winded sometimes, I appreciate your time and thoughts. I will take them all into consideration when I rework this
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before

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heinzs
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Re: Time (Seeking Refinement, Critique ect..)

Post by heinzs » Sun Dec 09, 2012 3:36 pm

Don't start with what I did. Start with your original piece and work it in your words and your way just imagining formats, not content.

Good luck!

:thumbsup:
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