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Remainders [Seeking refinement help etc}

Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:48 pm
by Mightfall
Seeking help in smoothing this out...


1. does it mean anything to anyone as it is
2. should the first two "of his father left in him" be changed to "of my father left in me" for clarity or is that obvious.

3. what would you change in structure or content.


Thanks

Curious.






Remainders

There is only a trace
of his father left in him
the broken parts that is

there is more than a trace
of his father left in him,
the good parts that is

It took decades
to lose
to bury
to retrain
all the rest

It took his father decades
until there was only a trace
of the damage done to him

there is more than a trace
of his father left in him,
the good parts that is

His mother told me that once
nearing her hundredth year,
when there was only a trace left
of the damage done to her

Re: Remainders [Seeking refinement help etc}

Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 8:35 am
by CatieRose
There is a lot of redundancy in this one which kind of throws the reader off, as far as interest is concerned. why not, change a few of the lines that say "of his father left in him." I see that line used three times. whereas, if you could find a way to say it another way, in the second and third instance, it would carry the reader's interest along without the use of redundancy. hugs, catie :)

Re: Remainders [Seeking refinement help etc}

Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:33 pm
by wgilstrap
There is only a trace you see;
that his father left in him
broken pieces of an inevitable disease
that is what you see

Where the darkness recedes
the good parts, I believe
are of a Father's reprieve
sewn by decades of seed

The poor child cried
while the Mother died;
and she spoke of the Father's reprieve
a trace that never died

Decades washed the past away
yet, memories still remain
in the ashes.......
of ones dying creed.



just an idea to structure your feelings well......I am but an amateur.....so take it as you will. :roll: :roll: :roll:
wonderful concept and I feel your pain....just work on your delivery..you have the experience and the emotion....Hope to you are great... I have learned from you already....maybe the world will also.