Insomnia

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partialpoet
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:36 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Insomnia

Post by partialpoet » Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:11 am

Feeling darker than the bedroom that is haunted by the thought
That I’m betraying all that matters in pursuit of what does not;
Counting shadows on the ceiling that are cast there by the rain,
As I lay sleepless in the knowledge that I don’t intend to change.

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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 144
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Re: Insomnia

Post by Mightfall » Tue Aug 28, 2012 10:42 pm

partialpoet wrote:Feeling darker than the bedroom that is haunted by the thought
That I’m betraying all that matters in pursuit of what does not;
Counting shadows on the ceiling that are cast there by the rain,
As I lay sleepless in the knowledge that I don’t intend to change.

I like the feel and the flow

"Counting shadows on the ceiling that are cast there by the rain"

could be a different visual, I couldn't connect this one in my mind to any image or feeling. But that could always be just me, some random reader :)
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

partialpoet
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:36 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Insomnia

Post by partialpoet » Wed Aug 29, 2012 10:55 am

you're right, it's supposed to be rain on the window--some small outside light casting shadows on the ceiling--but that isn't effectively expressed.

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