Far Away

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Eric
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Far Away

Post by Eric » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:20 am

Far Away

The meaning of life is yet to end,
To leave behind your love and friend,
To walk Alone through the rough of times,
And never hear the church bell chime,
Those whom wait to hear the bell,
Will find himself burned in hell,
Approaching the darkness stripped of sight,
Will learn that's still the least of fright,
Some will run and disappear,
To be cut off by their biggest fear,
Now I know it's time to die,
As I find my life a shameless lie,
To speak of times I never knew,
To speak of times that I out grew,
To walk alone in the midst of the night,
Searching for the forgotten light,
I try to speak I speak out loud,
As I lie, deep in the ground,
No one hears, no reply,
Now I know, I was born to die

© 2011 Eric R. Garcia. All rights reserved
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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heinzs
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Re: Far Away

Post by heinzs » Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:21 am

Of all your pieces I've read so far this one seems the most cohesive. You've made a valiant effort at meter and rhyme here, so I'll address the form of this poem and leave the content to another reviewer to tackle.

The meaning of life is yet to end,
To leave behind your love and friend,

The second line here is pure iambic tetrameter, as is the majority of the rest of the piece. The extra syllable in the first line counters this flow. What about something like "In truth our life is meant to end,"

To walk Alone through the rough of times,
And never hear the church bell chime,

Same meter problem in first line of this couplet. Suggest "To walk alone through roughest times, And never hear the curch bell chimes". I'm a rhyming purist... lol.

Those whom wait to hear the bell,
Will find himself burned in hell,

Several issues with this one... "whom" is one of the weirdest words in English and is rarely used correctly. Hemmingway used it correctly in his title "For Whom the Bell Tolls" (later a song by Metallica). For this couplet I'd suggest "Those who wait to hear the bell, Will find themselves aflame in hell,"

Approaching the darkness stripped of sight,
Will learn that's still the least of fright,

Perhaps "Approach the darkness void of sight, And learn that's still the least of fright,"

Some will run and disappear,
To be cut off by their biggest fear,

Second line might go "To be outrun by what they fear,"

Now I know it's time to die,
As I find my life a shameless lie,

Suggest "Now it seems my time to die, I find my life a shameless lie,"

To speak of times I never knew,
To speak of times that I out grew,

Outgrew is one word.

To walk alone in the midst of the night,
Searching for the forgotten light,

Try "To walk alone the silent night, Searching for forgotten light,"

I try to speak I speak out loud,
As I lie, deep in the ground,

Try "I try to speak, to make a sound, As I lie deep in the ground,"

No one hears, no reply,
Now I know, I was born to die.

Try "No one hears, there's no reply, I know that I was born to die."

Again, I emphasize that this is my personal take on your poem. I am not an authority but simply another reader. You are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions. My main goal here is to give you something to think about as you write and compose your verse.

Note also that there is no rule that you must end every line with punctuation. In general the end of the line is in itself an automatic pause and none of the commas are needed there. Likewise the capitalization of every line is an affectation that is not necessary, but reflects on your own personal style. Remember that if you choose to write in metered rhyme you should stick to that format otherwise the piece loses in its effectiveness.

Cheers and thank you for posting on the PoetryPages!
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Eric
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Re: Far Away

Post by Eric » Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:49 pm

Thank you very much for your critique ... lol actually I worte that poem 20 years ago it was the first poem I had ever written ... guess its not bad considering that !
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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heinzs
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Re: Far Away

Post by heinzs » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:57 pm

It seems to have weathered the years very well and does not show its age...

:mrgreen:
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bags123
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Re: Far Away

Post by bags123 » Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:12 am

Hi Eric,....as you may or may not have heard,....I've just been appointed as Poetry Pages,..."Harsh, but honest critic",...and you,...lucky you,...have been selected today as the object of my hatred of FORCED RHYME,...which tangled up this readers verbal delivery entirely,...simply because,...none of us speak like that in real life. Meter in poetry is designed very much like the Rhythm in music. Now I personally,...like very percussive music,...something that makes you wanna dance? Know? By polishing the meter, and introducing various rhyme sequences properly, just reading a poem with the right emphasis placed where needed,....can give the same effect even without any music present. Unfortunately,...this one can't. Sorry. :hugs:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Eric
A Poet in the Rain
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Re: Far Away

Post by Eric » Fri Apr 01, 2011 4:57 am

While understanding your comment and opinion, I am not sure you understand the previous conversation lol this was actually my first poem ever written when I was around 17yrs old. I had wrote it, Not as a poem or rhyme, but as a way to deal with a friends untimely death. This was my vent and actually not intended ( at the time ) for anyone to ever see ! Since this was written though, I believe I have developed a style of my own which does with out a doubt step out of the " NORM" in poetry. I do how ever still use my writing as a venting to tool to better understand the events I encounter and get through them. Thank you again for your comment! It is well noted and taken with the utmost respect Bags.

Well,...for a first poem it actually ain't too bad. :cheers: :mrgreen:
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
Author Award winning Blizzards of Thought A Book of Reflection March 2011 http://www.blizzardsofthought.com/Image

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