This Picture - (please critique)

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pencil pusher
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This Picture - (please critique)

Post by pencil pusher » Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:03 pm

THIS PICTURE

I call your name
you turn your head
and smile
(click)

your beautiful auburn hair
falls below your shoulder
seemingly bouffant as
the month old perm loses
custody of the curls

your eyes pierce me
with hazel clarity
I am transfixed by
their gaze and nearly
miss this perfect shot

and your smile
oh your smile!
it is my raison d’etre

this picture I took
is the epitome of you
and is engrained to the
very core of my being

blindness holds no fear

<<>>

:critique:

too much? not enough? wrong word useage?
I'm liking the direction this one has gone but get a feeling something's not quite right with it...
all comments welcome
:cool:
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negatvone
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by negatvone » Fri Feb 11, 2011 2:42 am

This is actually really good. Only suggestion I can give is in the fourth stanza. Break it down and deliver your message more through words. I know you can do it. I have faith in you.
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

Image

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pencil pusher
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by pencil pusher » Fri Feb 11, 2011 1:08 pm

Wow thanks :grin: I hope your faith is not misplaced.
I have taken on board your comment and agree with it totally. It was so obviously wrong and I should have done something about it before posting but you've given me the nudge I needed. The only problem is that in changing it, one thing led to another...then another, though I'm sure I don't need to tell you how that happened :lol: but what I ended up with is something rather different to the original.
I'd love to get your (everyone's) opinion as to which is better..ie, the original with just the fourth stanza replaced with the one from the newer version, or the newer one in its entirety?

Thanks again for taking time to read and comment.
:cool:
Come and visit once in a while: http://wordsasunder.wordpress.com


Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling

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pencil pusher
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Re: This Picture - (please critique) - Take 2

Post by pencil pusher » Fri Feb 11, 2011 1:10 pm

I call your name
you turn your head
and smile
(click)

an auburn avalanche
cascades toward your shoulder
with a bouffant attitude
as the month old perm
concedes custody of the curls

your backward glance
transfixes me with
its hazel clarity
and I almost miss
the moment

your smile generates
a warmth that
transcends
my reason of existence

this picture I took
is the epitome of
your perfection now
engrained
at my core


(blindness holds no fear)

<<>>

:critique:
Come and visit once in a while: http://wordsasunder.wordpress.com


Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling

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bags123
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by bags123 » Sat Mar 05, 2011 6:48 am

I happened to follow one of your links to see a picture of your lady. Definitley worth writing a poem about. :thumbsup: You're a very descriptive writer. I enjoy reading your work,....but I'm having a hard time categorizing it as poetry. Strange,...since everything nowadays is categorized as poetry,...yet I find this falls outside the mainstream. I actually like it. :hello: :mrgreen: :cheers: :thewave:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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pencil pusher
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by pencil pusher » Mon Mar 07, 2011 9:44 am

Thanks very much for your time and kind coments. It's very gratifying to know that what I write isn't completely wasted and is appreciated :grin:

I am, however, intrigued by your comments concerning categorisation and wondered if you might be able to expand further on your thoughts?
How would you define poetry in general, and which of it would you consider mainstream?
And in what way does my work fall outside of those parameters? Am I too prosaic or not enough meter? I'd love to hear..this is just the sort of constructive critiscism stuff I came here for :grin:

I 'think' I'm a poet..therefore 'am' I a poet?

Hmmm...
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Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling

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bags123
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by bags123 » Mon Mar 07, 2011 2:57 pm

How would you define poetry in general, and which of it would you consider mainstream?
Only one question at a time please. :mrgreen: Poetry for me is defined by the formal limitations we've placed on it over the centuries. Meter and message are equally important maybe,...but for me, a message delivered in a more metrical rhyming method is a much more meticulous expression of our art. Free Verse, and all of it's derivitives IMHO are yet another example of the dumbing down of America, and let me tell ya,....we didn't have that far to go after Hee-Haw came on TV. :thewave:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
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Jadynara
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by Jadynara » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:31 am

Bagsy is biased.... he only likes metered rhyme but we love him anyways and on rare occasions he does make exceptions to that rule. :P
I think this is a well written piece and I do like the rework of it. I think Jim was correct about breaking down the 4th stanza... makes it flow better and easier to connect with. Thanks for sharing. :)
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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Eric
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by Eric » Fri Mar 18, 2011 8:45 am

I do like this. I find it to be utter poetry .... I myself write out of the " NOrm " for poetry standard but I have also found a way to convey a message. And poetry is just that conveying a message or emotion. You have done just that!
***Poetry Pages Poet of the Month June 2012***
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bags123
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Re: This Picture - (please critique)

Post by bags123 » Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:32 am

And poetry is just that conveying a message or emotion
I think you have writing, and poetry mixed up. Writing, or speaking, are ways of conveying a message. Poetry is delivring the message using certain, accepted poetic tools of the art. Another way of saying it would be, that one must have the right tools in order to build a house,...so it would be advantageous to get the tools first, before one starts building. When you think about it,..houses are alot like good poetry. Those built by a craftsmen usually last much longer. :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
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