notebook

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pencil pusher
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notebook

Post by pencil pusher » Wed Jan 19, 2011 4:39 pm

I've posted this on another group too and would like to compare thoughts and critique. Thanks :cool:

<<>>
notebook

whilst wandering around the
store today I happened across
a book with a plain and
nondescript cover
from the moment I became aware
of its existence I recognized
its potential and knew at once
I had to get it into our trolley

a little later
I glimpsed a wry smile
on my wife’s face as
she placed the book on the
checkout conveyor belt
along side the frozen chips
and toothpaste
she understands my craving

in the evening with only
a spotlight for company
and pink floyd in my earphones
I swore as I fumbled with
the chastity belt like
wrapping of cellophane

deed accomplished I delved
between the covers
the fresh blankness of the pages
was overwhelming and my
inspiration boiled over

armed with my favourite pencil
I began my affair with the
new notebook in my life
word after word flowed from
my mind until I ran out
of lead

in the soft afterglow of
conclusion there was only
satisfaction for both parties
and I wished I still smoked

<<>>
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bags123
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Re: notebook

Post by bags123 » Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:00 am

Uh,....I'm really not sure what to say. I liked some of the imagery,...nice choice of words throughout. You'll have to forgive me,.... I'm entering my crumrudgeon stage of life,....but it seems more like prose than poetry to me. Pretty prose no doubt,...but prose just the same. If I were you,...I certainly wouldn't take whatever I say to be the gospel. Far from it I assure you. It's just that my definition of poetry doesn't include most modern versions. To me all free verse is just fancy prose. Many may disagree with me,...but they're all wrong. :mrgreen: :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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heinzs
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Re: notebook

Post by heinzs » Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:33 am

I like the concept, however when read aloud this is simple prose even though broken into stanzas. To be fee verse it needs some more "oomph" in the way it's presented. Perhaps fewer articles, some exaggertion, some consolidation... anything to make us "feel" what you feel more intimiately.

As an attempt at an example, I'll give you a different reading of your last stanza:

"in the soft afterglow of
conclusion there was only
satisfaction for both parties
and I wished I still smoked"

In the soft conclusion afterglow
satisfaction for both
I wish I still smoked

In other words, less is sometimes more. Make your reader work a bit.

Cheers!

:thumbsup:
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pencil pusher
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Re: notebook

Post by pencil pusher » Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:19 pm

Haha...thanks guys for your honest and forthright responses..I love it!!

In hindsight i shouldn't have really posted this one. This 'poem' is pure kowtow. It is the contrived claptrap revision of one that was given quite a harsh slating for various reasons in another poetry group that I frequent. It all started when I wanted to learn how to be subtle in my writing.
Here's the original... which do you prefer, and which is most subtle?

<<>>
a well deserved smoke

what secrets lay undiscovered
beneath the veils of virginal vellum
loose leaf or bound but freshly pressed
each page holds uniqueness
clamouring to be revealed

enter the scribe
violator of pristine
deflowerer of pure
his quill probes the sanctum of
the blank surface
the nib is gorged and gentle
a sigh
a caress
a stroke there comes
the first emission of coloured viscosity
creates a calligraphic symbol
exposing the tip of the beauty within
and the first veil is breached

another letter
another
a word is born
hinting at the marvel ahead

the tryst continues unabated as veil
after veil is penetrated and cast off
rendered defunct as the detritus
of illiteracy and ignorance
now mere notches of conquest
on the feathered shaft

the denouement is sublime
the masterpiece complete I sit
back in satisfaction and light
an imaginary cigarette
I am spent
<<>>
Come and visit once in a while: http://wordsasunder.wordpress.com


Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling

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heinzs
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Re: notebook

Post by heinzs » Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:40 pm

LOL... well shame on the other poetry group. This version is definitely free verse and a lot more fun to read than the straightforward discourse. It could still be tightened up a bit, but I enjoyed reading it nonetheless.

:thumbsup:
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bags123
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Re: notebook

Post by bags123 » Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:55 pm

C+ for originality. :hello:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
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