Untitled

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bk_writer
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Untitled

Post by bk_writer » Sun Jan 16, 2011 3:35 pm

Her breath was ragged, she felt so weak.
She fell back on the bed in an exhausted heap.

She saw the commotion but averted her eyes.
She felt her heart breaking as she heard the cries.

It was crying out for her but she could not oblige.
It was just a product of the monster with evil eyes.

Its' lustrous cry grew stronger and she also began to cry.
She refused to love it, the cursed child by her side.

It was just a reminder of that horrible night.
She could not look at the thing, the monster that had ruined her life.

The tears burned her eyes as she tried to wipe them dry.
She could not love this thing, the curse that reminded her of the shame.

Yet if it was such a monster.
Why did the girl look at her with the same caramel eyes?


:critique:

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heinzs
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Re: Untitled

Post by heinzs » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:41 pm

This is a bit cumbersome, and shifting in mid poem from rhyme to free verse is a bit jarring. I'd have you take a second look at it to see if you can spiff it up a bit.
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bk_writer
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 17
Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:59 pm

Re: Untitled

Post by bk_writer » Sun Jan 16, 2011 7:20 pm

I probably shouldn't have posted that one just yet. I just wanted to get a few tips on it. I know it needs a lot of work.

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heinzs
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Re: Untitled

Post by heinzs » Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:27 am

It's never too early in the creation of a piece to seek input. It's too raw at the moment for more detailed comments, ergo the general suggestions. I think you have a definite germ of an idea and it should come together quite nicely.
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pencil pusher
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Re: Untitled

Post by pencil pusher » Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:25 am

The modernist in me is shouting that this poem needs to hit its reader about the head and the only way you're going to achieve that is by free verse. heinzs is right about the shifting of style..it absolutely kills it. My muse would demand to go with free verse for this..work on it..I think it will come :cool:
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