Submerged

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Submerged

Post by bags123 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:49 am

Submerged

The site of Babylon has turned to dust
Coarse desert wind obliterates the names
Of kings who felt remembered for all time
Their ancient bones decayed, under the land

Where once her gardens hung upon the walls
And flowers filled the air with dense perfume
While caravans from places we forgot
Great Persia, Lebanon, or Samarkand.

Arrived through gates the Gods themselves designed
Well built in muddy brick, by human need
Before it was consumed by history
Submerged,… and buried deeply by the sand
Last edited by bags123 on Mon Jan 31, 2011 2:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Bruno
MAXIMUS LUDICROUS
Posts: 342
Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:45 pm
Location: BC

Re: Submerged

Post by Bruno » Tue Jan 18, 2011 5:48 pm

Well written! Somewhat reminiscent of Shelley's Ozymandias. Allot of people who may like older poetry don't like Shelley...but I'm not one of them. He just wasn't a nice guy. So what else is new.

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: Submerged

Post by bags123 » Wed Jan 19, 2011 4:29 am

Thanks Bruno. I"m more of a Byron kind of guy,....but I don't dislike Shelly. He was ahead of his time in many respects. :hello:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

User avatar
pencil pusher
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Jan 18, 2011 3:09 pm
Location: UK

Re: Submerged

Post by pencil pusher » Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:19 am

I like this very much..it is very evocative and descriptive. There are however a couple of things which jumped out at me..
First one, just a nitpicky thing is 'course'.... i think, of course, you meant 'coarse'? :lol:
And secondly, just my take on it but to me 'Submerged' implies a watery theme? You may want to consider an adjective more relative to being buried? :2cents:

Otherwise, very nice! :thumbsup:
Come and visit once in a while: http://wordsasunder.wordpress.com


Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: Submerged

Post by bags123 » Thu Jan 20, 2011 4:37 pm

pencil pusher wrote:I like this very much..it is very evocative and descriptive. There are however a couple of things which jumped out at me..
First one, just a nitpicky thing is 'course'.... i think, of course, you meant 'coarse'? :lol:
And secondly, just my take on it but to me 'Submerged' implies a watery theme? You may want to consider an adjective more relative to being buried? :2cents:

Otherwise, very nice! :thumbsup:
Why of course I meant coarse. :mrgreen: Thanks for catching that for me. As far as "submerged", I'll claim poetic license. :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Submerged

Post by Jadynara » Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:50 pm

nicely written bags... a beautiful piece to come back and read... love the strong imagery and the way you let the memories drift away through the poem like the sand.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: Submerged

Post by bags123 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:08 am

Thanks Jady. Welcome back. We've missed you're input. Hope you're feeling better. :hello:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests