Another Then And Now Moment

[charles.degollado]

Im not sure i understand how the first line fits into this piece.
Perhaps something like
enveloped in the unknown or enveloped the unknown or even enveloped in unknown

surrounded by a mystery

Meant to be spoken with a pause, enveloped: unknown to show status.
example origin: unknown / name: unknown
The comma remark by Negatvone sounds good, but I should consider using a " : " if the meaning is suffering.

Enemy of history ( I really like this line)

Thanks!

Hero of the old throne ( Railing against the change of time?
Is this hero the enemy of history you are referring to? If so - why is he the enemy?
It seems a Hero of olden times would be an advocate for history where he can remain a hero)

yes & yes
ie
enemy of textbook history, an artist who represents ideas no longer recognized or taught in any official curriculum.
A hero of the old world and old ways. An important figure to the kings and queens of that time. Once respected.

The contradictions never occurred to me.

Under the spell of a rare number (This feels a little too abstract for my tastes,
what is this rare number you're talking about and why does it apply to the hero/enemy?
I think you can do without this line and if you're going to keep it, you really need to make it apply.)

entranced by a fantastical muse.

under the spell inspired
rare hyper creative
number a muse

I also wanted to convey a sense of gratitude or feeling of luck by having a naturally creative sense.
It's an underlying meaning, so I used words that were soft and smooth.
"under the spell" sounds like witchcraft, but the entire line reads like words from a good witch
-or so I thought to myself...

Alive in the hour
Of miracle monsters
And sleeping summer snow (This is a very strong idea you have in the last three lines which I really enjoy,
the image of "sleeping summer snow" is an interesting concept and I bet every person who reads this has a different idea of what that looks like.)

Overall - I like the flow if the piece. I think you're missing a little bit of descriptive work that could really enhance this write.
Just my humble opinion, feel free to take it or leave it. Thanks so much for sharing.:

Thank you, much appreciated feedback.

[Jadynara]

OOOOHHHHH! *lightbulb is on* Now I get it. And i really like the meaning you have going with it. Awesome.

[negatvone]

This is why I normally stay quiet.

[charles.degollado]

Enveloped unknown
Enemy of history
Hero of the old throne
Under the spell of a rare number
Alive in the hour
Of miracle monsters
And sleeping summer snow

9/15/10 Rewrite

Old throne hero enveloped unknown
Enemy of history below the cobblestone
Steady clad champion by hyper natural eye
Under the spell of a rare number line
Alive in the dream hour along the monster
Miracles worth sleeping summer snow
Mountains revolving the moment closed

[heinzs]

If a poem requires that much explanation to make sense (or pretend to make sense) then what's it's initial purpose? Is this an exercise in obfuscation? What are you trying to prove?

[heinzs]

I apologize for jumping down your throat but there has been a rash of "spam" postings pretending to be serious poets with nothing of any sense to say. I'll keep trying to grasp your meaning, but I fear you have lost me.

[Jadynara]

Perhaps its just a form of writing we aren't used to. It's new and abstract imagery. He would probably have very good results on that other site I found they seem to like the more contemporary and abstract ideas. I like the idea now that i understand it better. :)

[charles.degollado]

(or pretend to make sense)

I took your "word generator" comment on my previous poem
as lighthearted, but this comment is very strange,
considering I politely provided an explanation.
If I am not welcome here, there are less impersonal ways to go about that

then what's it's initial purpose?

the purpose of any art created, expression

What are you trying to prove?

I have nothing to prove, only art to share

there has been a rash of "spam" postings
pretending to be serious poets with nothing of any sense to say.

No spam here. I have been drawing for roughly 20 yrs, painting for 10 yrs,
and writing for 5 yrs. I self published a book 2007, anthology of poems
drawings, and the first chapter of an epic poem in the works.
I am currently editing a new book, which should be ready very soon.

my work ----> artpipe.com
I took down all the poems from my first book, hard copies are still available,
but if I confuse you, you most likely will not enjoy it, although my writing
was more "traditional" in a sense and less abstract back then.
And here I thought my symbolism was lacking. You haven't seen anything yet.

[Jadynara]

I think that was just a little bit of frustration coming out due to some ignorant people who have been joining simply to post messages with ads and links in them, they've taken to posting them in white text and crap like that. Just don't be offended if I ask for tons and tons of explanations! I like to understand what I'm reading!

[charles.degollado]

Perhaps its just a form of writing we aren't used to. It's new and abstract imagery. He would probably have very good results on that other site I found they seem to like the more contemporary and abstract ideas. I like the idea now that i understand it better. :)

Thanks Jady
What site, may I ask, are you referring to?

[Jadynara]

it's called everypoet.org.... they were pretty ruthless there to me. My first post was reffered to as "landfill which is completely and totally unsaveable." I'm warning you if you post there - they are ruthless to people. But it seems that they like the more "contemporary" and abstract pieces. Apparently my writing is too clear cut and full of emotion for them to consider it "contemporary" and I don't really do abstract. I write as cleansing most of the time so my stuff is pretty emotionally charged and clear cut. You may find you like it there. It's a strictly critique site though. I serisouly want to forewarn you though, there are some real assholes on those forums, and they have no issue letting you know that they think they're better than you.

[charles.degollado]

Just don't be offended if I ask for tons and tons of explanations! I like to understand what I'm reading!

I don't mind, the code is heavy
(I know some personal references will never understood)
I came up with some good lines while explaining in fact

[Jadynara]

yep. i appreciated the response and explanation - it's frustrating to have questions about a piece and never get an answer from the author.

[charles.degollado]

it's called everypoet.org.... they were pretty ruthless there to me. My first post was reffered to as "landfill which is completely and totally unsaveable." I'm warning you if you post there - they are ruthless to people. But it seems that they like the more "contemporary" and abstract pieces. Apparently my writing is too clear cut and full of emotion for them to consider it "contemporary" and I don't really do abstract. I write as cleansing most of the time so my stuff is pretty emotionally charged and clear cut. You may find you like it there. It's a strictly critique site though. I serisouly want to forewarn you though, there are some real assholes on those forums, and they have no issue letting you know that they think they're better than you.

Seriously?, I'm new to writing forums, (first one here) but that sounds crazy.
Thanks for the heads up.

[Jadynara]

yeah... i haven't posted there since then. i should find the link and post it.