Inside a thought that has no end.

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
User avatar
BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
Contact:

Inside a thought that has no end.

Post by BeeJay » Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:58 pm

July 2010

Inside a thought that has no end.

Thoughts bound by the earth’s crust
Clinging to much that spins away
Imprisoned inside a mind
Tutored to pray
At the toll gates of trust
I watch a terrain of slides
Move and sift history sung by prophetic saints
Together yet themselves a story
Each slide a century of guilt
Preserved and pickled by eternity’s child
Now grown to manhood
Still outward bound
Seeking, forever seeking, the eyes
Softly blinkling on a mountain side.
I pause in midair, take stock
And return to grow older
Inside a thought that has no end.

Baru Gobira 2010
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Inside a thought that has no end.

Post by Jadynara » Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:06 am

This is a really neat piece centered on a very interesting idea. I have a few questions before I offer any critique.
I watch a terrain of slides
Move and sift history sung by prophetic saints
Together yet themselves a story
Each slide a century of guilt
This seems to me to be broken up wrong and I am wondering if it was intentional?
It reads to me as it should have pauses in different places than where the line breaks are something like

I watch a terrain of slides move and sift history
Sung by prophetic saints

And what did you mean with the next line?

Together yet themselves a story... the saints are all singing together? The slides are all sifting together? and are they together and also each one a story in and of itself if you are reffering to the slides? Or is it the prophets who are together but each his own man with his own idea about the history he sings? The next line

Each slide a century of guilt - makes it seem as if you are talking about the slides but it's a difficult transition from the standpoint of a reader. Can you please illuminate me so i can better understand the meaning of your piece?

Patiently awaiting your response
Jady :computer:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8400
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: Inside a thought that has no end.

Post by heinzs » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:35 am

Actually my reading is that it is "the slides" that are the object of the discussion, not the saints. In that flow the context is (to my reading) continuous. Thanks for pointing out the possible issue with the juxtaposition, Jady. I would not have considered it on my own. It is always better to have more than one perspective on a reading.

This is another very evocative piece, Baru. Your writings are very sophisticated in their use of language and nuance. I would have a difficult time editing this one.

:thumbsup:
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

User avatar
BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
Contact:

Re: Inside a thought that has no end.

Post by BeeJay » Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:13 am

Thank you Jadynara & Heinz. Friend Heinz it is good to see you and your trademark emoticons. I missed them in summer for some time.
Jadynara wrote:This is a really neat piece centered on a very interesting idea. I have a few questions before I offer any critique.
I watch a terrain of slides
Move and sift history sung by prophetic saints
Together yet themselves a story
Each slide a century of guilt
This seems to me to be broken up wrong and I am wondering if it was intentional?
It reads to me as it should have pauses in different places than where the line breaks are something like
Partly intentional & about the pauses ....yes you could be right" , the effect came out wrong. Fine . Ok . Can live with the change. Im curious , how it would be without the "and" betwen move & sift history. How would it be if we have a punctuation like move, sift history.
I watch a terrain of slides move and sift history

Sung by prophetic saints

And what did you mean with the next line?

Together yet themselves a story... the saints are all singing together? The slides are all sifting together? and are they together and also each one a story in and of itself if you are reffering to the slides? Or is it the prophets who are together but each his own man with his own idea about the history he sings?
The next line is a product of my evolving views on "thought" and the saints represent their periods of influence and from that environment in time their take on the path to a higher power. Its just a poetic sweep of the centuries as it were when I brought the Saints into it all. Not much to do with them really [ see Heinz above on that ] To me it doesn't matter about religious hues as truths are but truths irrespective of who is espousing the cause/effect relationships. A picture of totality and their impact as a "individual slide" if we accept a series of "slides" as a vehicle of viewing the historical progression. See things now become complex and muddled in my explanation. I hope to sift through or say "thoughts" of many to evolve as in the poem. My search is for clarity and Im plowing on as the quest itself is a worthy goal and offers me at some level a sense of momentary understanding before confusion again prevails. To me the saints as individuals with an influence of a limited time span in terms of their influence , following or thought process provide a point of take-off as it were, for many a mortal to aspire to walk with and beyond to find their own solutions or at best solace by beginning the quest .
I happen to agree with you on the slides to some extent...they rather make transition- connections a little difficult when viewed from your perspective. A Little embarrassing that. But then Ive got a lifeline from Heinz - I could clutch and quite inclined! :lol:


Each slide a century of guilt - makes it seem as if you are talking about the slides but it's a difficult transition from the standpoint of a reader. Can you please illuminate me so i can better understand the meaning of your piece?

I probably will only confuse you. I'm not too clear Jadynara. I am fascinated with the whole focus of "thought" itself and after many a read of Sci-Fi giants like Clarke & Assimov Ive been writing on "thought" for the last 6 years and I keep returning to the theme. One day I feel I may be blessed to better understand it and perhaps be better equipped to bring stark clarity....for that which is not understandable has no meaning except to the writer only at the time of writing. Consider it and most of my efforts as a work in progress.

Thank you for the many questions that you have raised and on which I will ponder whenever I'm drawn to it.
Pl Accept :bow: --BeeJay

Patiently awaiting your response
Jady :computer:
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Inside a thought that has no end.

Post by Jadynara » Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:41 pm

Actually you did a really great job at sharing where you were coming from with this piece and it makes more sense to me knowing the thought process behind it. Thank you. I think it is very well written and must agree with hienz about the level of sophistication in your writing which i find myself drawn to. The saints are something that people can more easily connect with than the abstract realm of thought ... I like it. Very nicely done BeeJay!
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest