The Nothing

[Jadynara]

The Nothing's written on her face
As she stares at him in his disgrace
Leaving him without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace

The Nothing inundates her smile
She's been smiling all the while
She threw his clothes into the pile
Out on the dirty kitchen tile

The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout which he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries

You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart

For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair

The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul

[heinzs]

"As she recounts the times he lied" would work in the form better as "As she recounts his many lies", and the last line in that stanza also "Declaring that he always tries". "Throughout" is one word.


I loved reading this. So few folks will risk writing in metered rhyme nowadays... it's always refreshing to find a good example of it.

[Jadynara]

Thank you - i had originally written the line as "as she recounts his many lies" but couldn't make the 4th line in the stanza work, which you have done beautifully for me. Also - i added this piece on my playstation which is rather picky about spaces and randomly adds them where ever it feels thank you for letting me know so I can fix it.

[heinzs]

You are most welcome. I really enjoy reading your poems.

[Jadynara]

thank you, that is a great compliment knowing how much you have to read. thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

[bags123]

Hi Jady,
Like Heinz, I really enjoyed this one. There's a few places where the meter falters a little, but overall I'd give it an A-

PS- I've experienced "The Nothing" with my ex-wife. Strange how love can just feed on itself sometimes until there's nothing left. Kind of like that book "The Giving Tree" by Silverstein. Great topic for poetry.

[Jadynara]

Hey bags.... could you do me a favor and point out where you see the meter falter... I am having a difficult time finding it. Perhaps it's just the way I read it because I wrote it and so it flows very well for me. Thanks for your time and comments!

Jady

[Moushka]

I just thought of a couple of things that might help.....

upon the dirty kitchen tile

throughout the which he sits and cries

[bags123]

The Nothing's written on her face - 8
As she stares at him in his disgrace-9
Leaving him without a trace-7
Of any hope for her embrace-8

The Nothing inundates her smile-8
She's been smiling all the while-7
She threw his clothes into the pile-8
Out on the dirty kitchen tile-8

The Nothing creeps into her eyes-8
As she recounts his many lies-8
Throughout which he sits and cries-7
Declaring that he really tries-8

You see The Nothing's got her heart-8
She placed it there before the start-8
Of making sure their lives would part-8
And now she knows that this was smart -8

For nothing now can hold her there-8
The Nothing's taken all her care-8
It seems that this is just what's fair-8
After finding him in his affair-9

The Nothing simply kept her whole -8
Which really was her only goal-8
And now The Nothing takes it's toll-8
She's left with naught to heal her soul-8

The numbers I put at the end of each line represent the syllables each contain. For it to flow properly,...each line must contain the same number of syllables. By adding an extra one, or taking one away it interrupts the meter when read. I'm sure with a little effort you can polish this one into a gem.

[Jadynara]

How about this...


The Nothing's written on her face.
She stares at him in his disgrace
Which leaves him there without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace

The Nothing inundates her smile
She keeps on smiling all the while
She throws his clothes into the pile
Upon the dirty kitchen tile

The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout this list he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries

You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart

For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After learning of his affair

The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul

[bags123]

Much better flow now. Bravo

[gordy]

[crocbait]

without it she could never bear
finally ending this affair
seems like this might flow a little better than
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
just a thought

[Jadynara]

I like it but it sounds a little as if she is the "other woman" rather than having found him with another woman.... a good change to ponder though. Thank you.