The Nothing

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Jadynara
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The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:02 am

The Nothing's written on her face
As she stares at him in his disgrace
Leaving him without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace

The Nothing inundates her smile
She's been smiling all the while
She threw his clothes into the pile
Out on the dirty kitchen tile

The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout which he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries

You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart

For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair

The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
Last edited by Jadynara on Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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heinzs
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Re: The Nothing

Post by heinzs » Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:52 pm

"As she recounts the times he lied" would work in the form better as "As she recounts his many lies", and the last line in that stanza also "Declaring that he always tries". "Throughout" is one word.


I loved reading this. So few folks will risk writing in metered rhyme nowadays... it's always refreshing to find a good example of it.

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Jadynara
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:39 pm

Thank you - i had originally written the line as "as she recounts his many lies" but couldn't make the 4th line in the stanza work, which you have done beautifully for me. :hearts: Also - i added this piece on my playstation which is rather picky about spaces and randomly adds them where ever it feels thank you for letting me know so I can fix it.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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heinzs
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Re: The Nothing

Post by heinzs » Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:37 am

You are most welcome. I really enjoy reading your poems.

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Jadynara
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:36 pm

:shock:
thank you, that is a great compliment knowing how much you have to read. thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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bags123
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Re: The Nothing

Post by bags123 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:02 pm

Hi Jady,
Like Heinz, I really enjoyed this one. There's a few places where the meter falters a little, but overall I'd give it an A-

PS- I've experienced "The Nothing" with my ex-wife. Strange how love can just feed on itself sometimes until there's nothing left. Kind of like that book "The Giving Tree" by Silverstein. Great topic for poetry.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Jadynara
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:01 am

Hey bags.... could you do me a favor and point out where you see the meter falter... I am having a difficult time finding it. Perhaps it's just the way I read it because I wrote it and so it flows very well for me. Thanks for your time and comments! :hello:

Jady
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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Moushka
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Moushka » Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:42 am

I just thought of a couple of things that might help.....

upon the dirty kitchen tile

throughout the which he sits and cries
Stuck on Number 2. Learning to begin.
1.Believe 2.Belong 3.Become
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bags123
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Re: The Nothing

Post by bags123 » Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:12 pm

Jadynara wrote:The Nothing's written on her face - 8
As she stares at him in his disgrace-9
Leaving him without a trace-7
Of any hope for her embrace-8

The Nothing inundates her smile-8
She's been smiling all the while-7
She threw his clothes into the pile-8
Out on the dirty kitchen tile-8

The Nothing creeps into her eyes-8
As she recounts his many lies-8
Throughout which he sits and cries-7
Declaring that he really tries-8

You see The Nothing's got her heart-8
She placed it there before the start-8
Of making sure their lives would part-8
And now she knows that this was smart -8

For nothing now can hold her there-8
The Nothing's taken all her care-8
It seems that this is just what's fair-8
After finding him in his affair-9

The Nothing simply kept her whole -8
Which really was her only goal-8
And now The Nothing takes it's toll-8
She's left with naught to heal her soul-8
The numbers I put at the end of each line represent the syllables each contain. For it to flow properly,...each line must contain the same number of syllables. By adding an extra one, or taking one away it interrupts the meter when read. I'm sure with a little effort you can polish this one into a gem. :computer:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Jadynara
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:16 pm

How about this...


The Nothing's written on her face.
She stares at him in his disgrace
Which leaves him there without a trace
Of any hope for her embrace

The Nothing inundates her smile
She keeps on smiling all the while
She throws his clothes into the pile
Upon the dirty kitchen tile

The Nothing creeps into her eyes
As she recounts his many lies
Throughout this list he sits and cries
Declaring that he really tries

You see The Nothing's got her heart
She placed it there before the start
Of making sure their lives would part
And now she knows that this was smart

For nothing now can hold her there
The Nothing's taken all her care
It seems that this is just what's fair
After learning of his affair

The Nothing simply kept her whole
Which really was her only goal
And now The Nothing takes it's toll
She's left with naught to heal her soul
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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bags123
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Re: The Nothing

Post by bags123 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 4:09 am

Much better flow now. Bravo :thumbsup:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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gordy
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Re: The Nothing

Post by gordy » Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:44 am

:bow:
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My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?

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Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword

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crocbait
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Re: The Nothing

Post by crocbait » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:49 pm

without it she could never bear
finally ending this affair
seems like this might flow a little better than
It seems that this is just what's fair
After finding him in his affair
just a thought
:shrug:
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Jadynara
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Re: The Nothing

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:39 pm

I like it but it sounds a little as if she is the "other woman" rather than having found him with another woman.... a good change to ponder though. Thank you.
:hello:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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