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Scribbled Lines

Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:24 am
by Jadynara
Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about

Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work

Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere

The great achievements of our time
All began with scribbled lines

:computer:

Re: Scribbled Lines

Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:08 pm
by bags123
Indeed they have. Good poetic thought expressed here. Meter needs alittle polishing. B

Re: Scribbled Lines

Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:55 am
by Jimi
I quite enjoyed this one. A simple, unfussy muse on something close to you.

The only two parts which don't work for me are
Crossing out ideas unworth
This sounds very clumsy to read. I can understand why you have chosen to use "unworth", but I think you've sacrificed some grammatical clarity, in order to suit your meter and rhyme.

Which brings me neatly to my second point.
The great achievements of our time
Your meter is a little awkward. In order for a reader to make this work "The great" has to treated as one syllable, almost losing the "The". It's only a small thing, but has the potential to trip up the reader at the last hurdle.

Kind regards

Jimi

Re: Scribbled Lines

Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:00 am
by Jadynara
I tried to warn you most of my writing sounds funny to me written in meter.... I am not even sure how i would change it and keep the message.... I will have to do some attempts at reworking and see if i can make it flow a little more smoothly. Thanks for the input guys!

Jady

Re: Scribbled Lines

Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:27 pm
by Jadynara
What do you think of this?




Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about

Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work

Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere

Each achievement of our time
Polished clean with scribbled lines