Scribbled Lines

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Scribbled Lines

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:24 am

Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about

Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work

Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere

The great achievements of our time
All began with scribbled lines

:computer:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: Scribbled Lines

Post by bags123 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:08 pm

Indeed they have. Good poetic thought expressed here. Meter needs alittle polishing. B
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

User avatar
Jimi
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2001 12:01 am
Location: Manchester England
Contact:

Re: Scribbled Lines

Post by Jimi » Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:55 am

I quite enjoyed this one. A simple, unfussy muse on something close to you.

The only two parts which don't work for me are
Crossing out ideas unworth
This sounds very clumsy to read. I can understand why you have chosen to use "unworth", but I think you've sacrificed some grammatical clarity, in order to suit your meter and rhyme.

Which brings me neatly to my second point.
The great achievements of our time
Your meter is a little awkward. In order for a reader to make this work "The great" has to treated as one syllable, almost losing the "The". It's only a small thing, but has the potential to trip up the reader at the last hurdle.

Kind regards

Jimi
Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
(Leonard Cohen)

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Scribbled Lines

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:00 am

I tried to warn you most of my writing sounds funny to me written in meter.... I am not even sure how i would change it and keep the message.... I will have to do some attempts at reworking and see if i can make it flow a little more smoothly. Thanks for the input guys!

Jady
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Scribbled Lines

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:27 pm

What do you think of this?




Someone sat and thought it out
Scribbling their ideas about

Crossing out ideas unworth
Taking time to do the work

Writing breakthroughs here and there
Marked up papers everywhere

Each achievement of our time
Polished clean with scribbled lines
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests