The Unresolved 2

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

The Unresolved 2

Post by bags123 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:25 am

The Unresolved 2

I've wondered since I was a lad
So many questions I once had,
but through the years most answers came
The unresolved were what remained

I've found them harder to ignore
Increasingly, since I days of yore
Each time I think they're gone for good
they come back like I knew they would

Perhaps some things I needn't know
No matter how old I may grow
My lists of questions over time
still unresolved, till I'm resigned
Last edited by bags123 on Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 16, 2010 5:53 am

In the first stanza i would change "but" to "though". And it seems like there's more to it... something missing.
Perhaps some things I needn't know
No matter how old I may grow
My lists of questions over time
still unresolved, but always mine
What about your lists? What are you doing with them? How are you dealing with the fact that even after all these years they remain unresolved? I feel like I am missing part of the story... I really like it, but I feel like it's missing it's end like this. The only way i could think to change it and meet finality in the final sentence is to change "but" to "are" :2cents:

Jady
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by bags123 » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:09 am

Good critique Jady. I went back and forth in the final line between "but" and "are". Actually,... I like it both ways,..but decided to stay with but. I've been a but guy from way back. :mrgreen: :hello:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:43 am

ROFL!! Well as long as you like it that way... that's the way it should stay - just thought i would throw in my 2 cents
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by bags123 » Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:19 am

bags123 wrote:The Unresolved 2

I've wondered since I was a lad
So many questions I once had,
but through the years most answers came
The unresolved were what remained

I've found them harder to ignore
Increasingly, since I was four
Each time I think they're gone for good
they come back like I knew they would

Perhaps some things I needn't know
No matter how old I may grow
My lists of questions over time
still unresolved till I'm resigned.

What do you think about this edited change to the last line? Better, Worse, Neutral ? :computer:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:13 am

i think it has a much better sense of ending with the edited version of the last line. :grin:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by bags123 » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:21 am

Jadynara wrote:i think it has a much better sense of ending with the edited version of the last line. :grin:
I agree,...thanks for originally pointing that out. You've a keen eye. :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

User avatar
BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
Contact:

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by BeeJay » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:19 am

Surrender and you have taken the first step to understanding the gift of knowing. In your last line an eternal truth is within grasp.---BeeJay
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

User avatar
bags123
Insufferable Crouton
Posts: 4701
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2002 12:01 am
Location: Upstate

Re: The Unresolved 2

Post by bags123 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:44 am

BeeJay wrote:Surrender and you have taken the first step to understanding the gift of knowing. In your last line an eternal truth is within grasp.---BeeJay

OK Beejay,....thanks. :book:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest