Dream Catcher (Revision 3)

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Jadynara
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Dream Catcher (Revision 3)

Post by Jadynara » Sun Jun 27, 2010 2:59 am

Satin horrors helpless in its web
Surveying landscapes of endless sea
In a drifting breeze that flows and ebbs
Cautious, it struggles to keep me free

Where appaling nightmares lie in wait
It captures the terrors one by one
My sanity is a fragile trait
Desperately longing for morning sun

The daylight plays across endless waves
Begging the tangible take its hold
The dream catcher grasps at rest it craves
As another screaming fear unfolds

The beaded strings can not bear the load
Ripped and tearing it comes bleeding through
Pooling, the horror engulfs the road
To be sure I wade through what is true
Last edited by Jadynara on Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:13 am, edited 4 times in total.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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bags123
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Re: Dream Catcher

Post by bags123 » Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:15 am

Hi Jady,....Great topic for a poem. I love DreamCatchers. Those and wind chimes. I've got several of both. Although you've attempted to rhyme in an ABAB type of sequence,...the meter seems to be off a bit. If I were you I'd attempt to make the sylabels equal on the rhyming lines. It would flow much better. :computer:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Jadynara
Melpomenes Heiress
Posts: 552
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 9:49 am
Location: My Ocean of Dreams
Contact:

Re: Dream Catcher

Post by Jadynara » Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:36 pm

been working with it bags... not sure if i can change it and keep the meaning... will post update after more attempts
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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bags123
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Re: Dream Catcher

Post by bags123 » Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:20 am

Dream Catcher lies silently in wait
"just doesn't flow for me. It's uneven,..imploying very unnatural speech dynamics"
Satin horrors helpless in his web
"Overall,... I like this line. I would change "his" to it's. Thereby removing any gender identification with said,..Dream Catcher". Other than that,...nice work here. IMHO you might even want to start the poem with this line,..and with each successive line give another clue to the subject of the poem,...finally identified in the end,...as a Dream Catcher. But I digress,...sorry.
My sanity in a fragil state
" Again,..it's just clumsy English in an attempt to keep it to nine counts. Normally,...someone would say " My Sanity "is" in a fragile state,...but of course if you did that,...you'd be at 10 counts instead of the require nine.
Drifiting in the Oceans flow and ebb.
"Again,...a wonderful line,...especially if it adjoins another such line. For example:

"Satin horrors helpless in its web-(line one)
Drifting in the breeze that flows, and ebbs"(line two)
I think this could be a really great poem with a little reworking on your part. Normally I don't critique,...but since you asked.
:mrgreen: :hello:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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