Inspirational Poet

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Jadynara
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Inspirational Poet

Post by Jadynara » Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:38 pm

Tonight we sat tethered
Hearing things we have weathered
In depths that i rarely would share
Examined our thoughts
Faced hell we had wrought

Oblivios to feeling the chair
Forgotten the clock

Directly we talk
Reminiscent of times i could dream
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories love to build
So we're free.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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Laverne Pacquire
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by Laverne Pacquire » Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:43 pm

The form is good and original.
Your rhyme isn't very smooth. I would suggest this:


how about examined our thoughts
and faced hell in a place we forgot.

Oblivious to feeling the chair -
Forgotten the clock not there -

directly, we talk
reminisicent of the times dreams lost
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories we love to build
We're free still


I think this makes your rhyme more consistent. The read is more relaxing.

Take care.
LP :hello:



Jadynara wrote:Tonight we sat tethered
Hearing things we have weathered
In depths that i rarely would share
Examined our thoughts
Faced hell we had wrought

Oblivios to feeling the chair
Forgotten the clock

Directly we talk
Reminiscent of times i could dream
Each thing we recall
A glance at the walls
Memories love to build
So we're free.
You're Beautiful..Don't You Know It!

Jadynara
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by Jadynara » Fri Jul 23, 2010 7:25 pm

I appreciate your suggestion, however doing that messes up the words spelled out by the first letter of each line. :computer:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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heinzs
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by heinzs » Fri Jul 23, 2010 8:48 pm

I like your wonderful acrostic tribute to my dear friend, Terry!

:hello: :bow:
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Jadynara
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by Jadynara » Fri Aug 06, 2010 12:37 am

I like it too! Thanks Heinsz. Terry very much deserves the title of this poem. Glad he was here when I found the pages.
:thewave:
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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gordy
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by gordy » Fri Aug 06, 2010 3:09 am

:bow:
-----------------------------
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My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?

---Todd Agnew


Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword

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thief of dreams
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by thief of dreams » Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:25 am

:oops:
"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
Friedrich Nietzsche

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bags123
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by bags123 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 4:46 pm

A lovely tribute Jady. Terry seems like a great guy. :cheers:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Jimi
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by Jimi » Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:25 pm

I don't see a huge problem with your rhyming. I think the problem on the face of it appears to be due to the line breaks. However, once the reader has realised that the stanzas aren't strictly separated that the last rhyme is split over two lines and employs the use of assonance, it reads OK.
Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
(Leonard Cohen)

Jadynara
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Re: Inspirational Poet

Post by Jadynara » Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:19 pm

Thanks for the comments and thoughts everybody! :hello:

Jady
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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