trilogy on time

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berkay
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 9:46 pm
Location: Canberra

trilogy on time

Post by berkay » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:33 pm

I have two poems I would like some opinions on - they were written at different times and were not originally intended to be put together, but I've been considering making them two parts of a three part poem, the third of which I've posted in the Member's Cafe under the title 'Compendium on Time'. Here are the other two:



meteor showers are not
very cleansing nor are
shooting stars much of
a threat

they pass over arms
raised and waving with
a hundred cries of
‘not yet’

by the time they
have passed the universe
might expand enough to
engulf Regret

and our arms will touch
our sides as we realise
the chances we may
have missed

and by then stars may
not exist and Never may
have already paid
its debt

and we’re left wondering
why we were left behind
and not chosen as hunks of
rock flew by

and though Ever After
has been stitched on
our minds dimensional
thread by thread

(and has with it what the
past cannot forget without
a vast sense of swoon)

Ever After will never
become Forever if it
speaks too late
or arrives too soon

-----------------------------------------------




if you were to ask Where when it would be
he would most definitely reply with ‘not now’

and if you were to ask Why exactly how
he would probably reply: ‘without me’

but if you were to question What with how it was
he would redirect you straight back to Why

so the last one to ask is the ever glum Was
(for he knows many things, most of all regret)

and Was also knows all you’ve done
and all you’ve done wrong he won’t let you forget

-------------------------------------------

Apologies for unloading two at once, but I'd like some critique of both and perhaps any opinions on whether they go together or not.

berkay
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 9:46 pm
Location: Canberra

Re: trilogy on time

Post by berkay » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:35 pm

Just to make it easier for you all, I'll post the intended third part which was posted in another section of the forum here. The order that they will run in for the three part poem is as they are posted in this thread. Any thoughts regarding how each piece interacts and flows would greatly be appreciated =)


I’m about to begin work
on Forever but I don’t
know how long it will take

by the time I’m done
with Now who knows When
it will be

maybe by then North will
be South but true North
will be down somewhere
else

and clocks won’t have
numbers they’ll just
have words like ‘never’
and ‘too late’

it might take
a very long time

so it would be nice
to have someone here
just for having someone
here’s sake

it wouldn’t make Time
any less steady nor
pass it any quicker
or slower

but when the little hand
gets to ‘too late’ or
where ‘too late’ should
have been

I hope to have felt
and seen
everything

berkay
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 9:46 pm
Location: Canberra

Re: trilogy on time

Post by berkay » Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:09 pm

anyone?

Jadynara
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Re: trilogy on time

Post by Jadynara » Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:56 am

the first and third pieces work well with eachother but for some reason the second piece just doesnt fit for me. perhaps because it stands so well alone or perhaps because i dont really get a feeling that your speaking about time but rather the application that the five w's have to each and every experience in our lives. individually they each have a unique feel. also i had a hard time finding the rythm in the first... it felt very ... uhm.... i guess broken for lack of a better word like pieces of broken glass that i was attempting to put back together. was it intentional?

anyways, thats my 2 cents. i hope it helps. these have very complex meanings and i believe each person who reads them comes away with something different. keep up the good work.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

mjarabrab
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 32
Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:10 am

Re: trilogy on time

Post by mjarabrab » Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:03 am

Well I will share with you my thoughts on your pieces, first the third and last. This made the most sense to me, however all three seem to be written with sort of "free word association" style to them. I truly do not understand the meanings here, or if you intended them to be rambling, wandering lost thoughts randomly or seemingly randomly connected.
I would very much like to hear your explanation of your own meanings in this, perhaps I misread or misunderstood, but for me, it was difficult to read, trying to figure it out.
I would not connect them all together, it would be way too long, and you have too many thought for one poem, unless it can be tied in at the end somehow.
I look forward to your explanation of the meaning(s) if you'd like,
take care
Mj

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