Untitled Poem

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TehMandaboo
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Untitled Poem

Post by TehMandaboo » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:06 pm

I wrote this for my blog today and would love some opinions and, possibly, some title ideas. It's on the shorter end, especially for me.

Thanks in advance.


The poet knelt in the sand,
Her eyes on the grains as they slipped away.
And she knew, feeling the softness contrast
The coarseness she knew could be,
That her fears were validated
By the simplicity of regret.

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Sweets
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by Sweets » Thu May 06, 2010 12:13 pm

On its own, this is single handedly one of the best poems I have read from someone I have never met. I get a lot of imagery, and it is strong and powerful. I feel what the "poet" feels. I can see her in the sand.

Very beautiful. Very powerful. But you are not here for a critique or a review. You want a title.

Some times the best titles are summaries of the poem itself, or sentence or word in the poem. I see a lot of potential titles in the work itself. examples would be:
Coarseness
Soft Contrast
Sand
Or even "Simplicity of Regret" stands out.

If those dont strike your fancy, then try:
"A Poet's Regret"
"Grief in the Sand"
"Sadness in the desert/beach"

Its up to you really. What i cant believe is that no one commented on this before me.

Beautiful piece, i hope to read more.
-Sweets
Fight Off Your Demons.

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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by heinzs » Thu May 06, 2010 10:02 pm

Thanks for picking up the slack, Sweets. I agree with you.
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BeeJay
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by BeeJay » Fri May 07, 2010 8:34 pm

Each Grain a Story could be what you are looking for.__ :thumbsup: BeeJay
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

TehMandaboo
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by TehMandaboo » Thu May 13, 2010 1:06 am

I did a follow up poem on this piece, I don't know if any of you are interested in reading it.

But I think I definitely like "A Poet's Regret". I'm liking that very much.

Thank you, all three of you, for your kind words and suggestions.

Sweets, in particular. Your review made my week. Possibly my month. Thank you.

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Sweets
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by Sweets » Thu May 20, 2010 8:21 pm

Heh. I am glad. I think you have some talent. Not saying everyone else doesnt because that is a lie. But it just irked me. No one commented on your poem, and I think that was a bit depressing. I want to read more. And you said you wrote a follow up, when will you be posting that?
Fight Off Your Demons.

TehMandaboo
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by TehMandaboo » Sat May 22, 2010 11:31 am

Well, I posted it just now.

It's a fairly different style from the original but inspired by the same. Your reviews make me smile every time. And a bit floaty.Thank you for the floaty! Hahaha.

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bags123
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by bags123 » Tue May 25, 2010 11:22 am

The "simplicity of regret" eh? That's not been my personl experience in life so far,.... and I'm fifty f---ing six! But that's just me,..... we're all different. Some of us are just heartless bastards I guess. Not me unfortunatly,....I'll let a grudge fester for years, and regrets go for a lifetime. Admittedly it takes a lot for me to put anyone on my grudge list. The only one currently resideing there is my ex-wife.
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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TehMandaboo
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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by TehMandaboo » Wed May 26, 2010 7:30 pm

I'm not saying regret is easy... I'm saying that regret is simplistic in the way that one can fall into it easily.

I think you slightly missed the point of my poem but that's OK, we make what we make; to each their own conclusion I guess.

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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by mjarabrab » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:19 am

Hi- I have been on this site for a very long time, I actually cannot remember, but would like to start posting and being involved here again
I love your work for many reasons,
first, the title , I would simply call it "Regret" for again, many reasons.
It reflects the intensity of the simplicity of the way you conveyed such a powerfull message in a tiny poem. It only needs that one word, which is the focus, and ties in with the word at the end, which makes it more powerfull.
I think it sends the point home when you use the same word at the end as the title..
It is eloquently written, and clearly creative. Easy to read, I did not need a dictionary to understand it, for the meaning in itself is one which we can all relate to. I don't think you need to refer in your title of being a poet, for in a way, you speak for so many others through your own experience, and that would be taken away to be that specific.
What do I know, never learned "how" to write, I just love to write in my own style, and love to read creative pieces..
So, simply, straighforward, and direct, 'Regret" matches the simplicity of your work, yet message is deep.
take care
Mj

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Re: Untitled Poem

Post by mjarabrab » Sat Jun 05, 2010 10:29 am

Mj again, I mistakenly left out the word NOT in being here on this site for awhile, and I had another thought about your work.
The poet knelt in the sand,
Her eyes on the grains as they slipped away.
And she knew, feeling the softness contrast
The coarseness she knew could be,
That her fears were validated
By the simplicity of regret.

Again, it's lovely, and you are very creative and expressive.
Your second line, her eyes on the grains, as they slipped away, makes me stop, how are they slipping away, are you holding some sand in your hands? I know it's inferred, but it kind of made me stop. Then your next line, she feels the sand, so maybe if you stuck a line in there, how she soflty burrows her hand in the hot sand to hold the tiny grains, something like that, I could follow it more realistically.
I didn't mean to be picky, just wanted to share that.
I am not by any means a trained writer, I just say what I think,,,,
Still like the name simply "Regret"
take care
Mj

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