I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

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jkalwaye
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:13 am
Location: Server in India

I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by jkalwaye » Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:24 am

I am sitting on a bench
At a rose garden nearby
My house watching
The dancing of rose
Flowers with a smile
On their face as the
Breeze comes touching
All with her smooth hands
I also watch with great
Enthusiasm the flying of
Butterflies everywhere
In the garden, sometimes
With a kiss on cheek and
Face of roses. Though both
Of their lifetime is very short
They are happy and energetic
At all time no sign of grief
On their faces ever seen
In fact I come here for suicide
Within a few seconds of
Friendship with them I changed
My decision and take an oath
I will never commit suicide

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BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
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Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by BeeJay » Fri Apr 16, 2010 6:04 am

Your poem is all about the 'Dance of the Butterfly' is a phrase which comes to my mind. I would think a little judicious re-arrangement of a few lines could enhance the effort. So here goes ....with bold to show the re-arrangements I made. Do feel free to let it all remain as it is...if you want it to be so.

I am sitting on a bench
At a rose garden nearby my house
watching The dancing of rose
AT this point there is a disconnect --a snap sort of thing-
Flowers with a smile
On their face as the
Breeze comes touching
All with her smooth hands
I also watch with great
Enthusiasm the flying of
Butterflies everywhere
In the garden, sometimes
With a kiss on cheek and
Face of roses. [Abrupt and reader could loose you here-abouts] Though both
[Im not great at grammar but it could do with a revisit from you ...then you will have a great poem which I feel this is..]
Of their lifetime is very short
They are happy and energetic
At all time no sign of grief
On their faces ever seen
In fact I come here for suicide
Within a few seconds of
Friendship with them I changed
My decision and take an oath
I will never commit suicide
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

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Laverne Pacquire
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 166
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Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by Laverne Pacquire » Mon May 10, 2010 4:17 pm

I like the orchestration of a garden. And the courage of not committing suicide because of something beautiful.
Unlike, the fact that two of my favorite poets committed suicide (Plath and Sexton) This puts a bright light on suicide and gardens.
I personally would never committ suicide in a garden. The very thought of it makes me sick.

Thank you for the read


:angel:
You're Beautiful..Don't You Know It!

mjarabrab
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 32
Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:10 am

Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by mjarabrab » Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:43 am

Just my two cents here, but this Uka person, instead of these short, seemingly (to me) condecending remarks (which to me are not beneficial to a writer) please a)offer what you do like about it (read the rules about commenting for this site)b)
offer something for the writer to improve upon and instead of being so clearly entitled to your opinion, please support it with either some of your writing (which I'm looking for )or make an educational comment, because as I see it, your comments are just plain offensive, just to me, and I'm simply speaking up, which I do.....
I look forward to your response, to learn from you !!
Thank you
sorry I kind of used this post as my response, I just wanted to offer my sentiments
please someone let me know if this is not acceptable
mj

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gordy
Windfall Prophet
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Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2002 12:01 am
Location: HAMILTON OHIO

Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by gordy » Wed Jun 09, 2010 6:30 am

i agree with mj :2cents:
-----------------------------
Image

My Jesus hung out with thieves and sluts and liars, which Jesus do you worship?

---Todd Agnew


Perfection is my enemy
Procrastination is his cohort
Persistence is my sword

---Gordy

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BeeJay
Babbling Brook Poet
Posts: 355
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2007 9:02 am
Tag line: A Future in Words
Location: Hyderabad India
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Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by BeeJay » Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:41 am

mj you got it right. 2 cents of pure gold ! BeeJay
If the Universe was a little smaller , I may just be able to reach out to you. Copyright © 2009 Baru Gobira

Jadynara
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Posts: 552
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Re: I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE

Post by Jadynara » Sat Jun 12, 2010 1:54 pm

Though both
[Im not great at grammar but it could do with a revisit from you ...then you will have a great poem which I feel this is..]
Of their lifetime is very short
They are happy and energetic
At all time no sign of grief
On their faces ever seen
In fact I come here for suicide
Within a few seconds of
Friendship with them I changed
My decision and take an oath
I will never commit suicide

I can help with the grammar part

Though both of their lifetimes are very short,
They are happy and energetic.
At all times no signs of grief
On their faces are ever seen.
In fact - I come here for suicide.
Within a few seconds of
Friendship with them

[there are two ways you could go with this to make it flow more smoothly]
either a) I changed my decision and took an oath
or b) I change my decision and take an oath
[the tenses of the words should match to give a sense of continuity]

I will never commit suicide.

This is a great piece. I agree with beejay.... the words need a little restructuring to make the idea flow more smoothly and the grammar needed a little work but overall this piece is beautiful. With a little editing your message will come across more strongly to your readers.

MJ has it 100% right about the seemingly negative comments, I would like to see an author who is willing to post their own work and give constructive educated criticism rather than belittling an author who has the courage to post their work and ask for help and critique. If you are not willing to post your own work then you really have no place making statements about anyone elses.
So we're lost, at least we've found each other. Take my hand, if we can't find our way out of the dark, we can make our own light. - Nicole M. Goretzke 2011

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