This Way

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

Moderator: bags123

Post Reply
blues
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 7:10 am
Contact:

This Way

Post by blues » Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:46 am

After everything you said
After everything you did
After the way you made me feel
How can I still feel this way






I worte this about three month ago now and I have been trying to come up with some more lines to this poem but i can't seem to manage. any suggestions or does anybody thnk that maybe I should just leave it at this?

M
Last edited by blues on Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8396
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: This Way

Post by heinzs » Thu Dec 31, 2009 11:44 am

I"ve looked at it a few times and I think you can safely leave it as is. Just put a question mark at the end... lol.
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

Madhatter
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:10 am
Location: Server in Eugene, OR

Re: This Way

Post by Madhatter » Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:37 am

hmm . make a list of feelings attached and throw in some repetition of " this way" but dont leave it at that... not enough in my opinion. How did you feel. give some details. communicate a complete experience.

ailill
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 48
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:43 am
Location: Plano, TX

Re: This Way

Post by ailill » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:19 am

Interesting

As a reader I am wondering about this line

After they way you made me feel

did you want it to say 'they' or did you want it to say 'the'

as in 'after the way you made me feel'

User avatar
heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8396
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
Contact:

Re: This Way

Post by heinzs » Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:47 pm

I see that I missed that typo... lol Thanks for catching it Ailill.
**************************************
An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
Image
***************************************
My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

blues
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 7:10 am
Contact:

Re: This Way

Post by blues » Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:28 am

thank you everybody, I think for now i will just keep it as it is. oh and thnx for picking up on the spelling error. funny how sometimes you look at something a tousand times and don't see it.

Post Reply

Return to “Workshop/Critiques Wanted”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests