workshop/critiques wanted

Come on in to give and receive critique, suggestions or help with work in progress or finished pieces. Any format welcome.

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jupe
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 32
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:01 pm

workshop/critiques wanted

Post by jupe » Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:40 pm

:critique:

Trampled pathway
tattered garden gate
guards broken dreams
terra cotta memories and
hopeless probabilities.
Swings open
dreams, aspirations lost
now unfurl
misplaced expectations
gather possibilities.

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heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8419
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
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Re: workshop/critiques wanted

Post by heinzs » Tue Mar 10, 2009 7:08 pm

How about a shuffling:

Tattered garden gate
guards broken dreams
trampled pathway
terra cotta memories and
hopeless probabilities.

Swings open
dreams, aspirations lost
now unfurl
misplaced expectations
gather possibilities.
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An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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jupe
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 32
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:01 pm

Re: workshop/critiques wanted

Post by jupe » Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:51 pm

Now, that's an idea. Thanks
I worked a bit on it yesterday. It's a tad longer.

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