In Keeping Home

[frailandfrayed]

I wish to write to you of your loss dear child,
but words settle upon the bird perched wires
and trail of sun that leads to your home,
they flicker and fall
with the dust upon your sill,
where grieving has left you with deaf ears,
and blindness to the day.

While recovery is only a step away, beyond your walls;
in the undiscovered joys of abandoned rooms,
and times unspent;
After tidying up that last event, and leaving it as it was
in your mind,
the banners, the streams-
the corks and shutes
of new year and a thousand house-warming gifts,
unopened.
And now the rug bears no stain,
but shadow and light,
and the bed is still neatly made.

And your world continues to fade,
behind the storms, the blinds and bleary pane,
and the darkness of your day.

And words are lost, dear child,
lost among the draft that passes through,
and the heaving past upon your lap,
ever since he's gone away.

But you always used to say, that
love would last forever.
Always within your eyes,
that spark that danced the music of another time,
the danger, the subdued cry;

memories were not meant to imprison.

My child, I feel I should run to you,
but there are places that stand in my way,
I do not wish to invade your world,
or sully your memory
of the day.

For pain is the breath of madness,
and all too often believed-
it is the fog that lines our windows,
until it is wiped away.

[bags123]

Wow!! This is outstanding work. I'm extremely impressed.

[Graeme]

The pain in this poem screams to be heard. I only have a couple of things that I might suggest - just tightening of wording, really.

and blindness to the day. omit this line.

While recovery is only a step away, beyond your walls; Omit "while"

ever since he's gone away. change to "he went"

But you always used to say, that
love would last forever.
change to:
"You always used to say
That love would last forever."

but there are places that stand in my way, omit
"But" I do not wish to invade your world, move the but to this line

[BeeJay]

I read it. Little confused. Maybe you could sort of tighten it. Im stumped.__________________BeeJay

[snorple]

very nice.

[BeeJay]

For pain is the breath of madness

is a memorable line and don't worry too much about my ramblings. On second and third reading things are a lot clearer to me and Im beginning to enjoy your style using a "comforting pace of narration" that is in itself soothening.______BeeJay

[jeannerené]

Truly enjoyed your poem. My first reaction I must say was also "great poem" but needs a little tightening. I would suggest removing some unnecessary words ... and...the...there are quite a few which could be removed and your thought still be intact...

.. all in all ... it was a pleasure to read...

.j.