Sound Flap

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Squawk
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Joined: Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:20 am
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Sound Flap

Post by Squawk » Thu Jun 07, 2007 4:29 pm

I sat upon a pretty perch,
And took my time,
To peruse about the landscape
That laid around
Below my feet
In the shadow of the trees.

A cheep, a chirp
A whistle, and a squawk.
I told the whole world
How I felt.
There's nothing more but to think,
To sit and stare,
At the glorious variations
Of creatures of the air.

Like me, I'm a sparrow,
I skip and I dart,
Across the top of trees
Clawing at the bark.
I'll make a little nest one day
And settle down with some chicks,
But first I want to explore the world
And see some other peeps.

Ducks I often watch sometimes
As I skim past a water hole.
I think what it'd be like
To take upon their role.
Looking calm on top
Whilst working it below
Never certain of what is lurking
Ready to strike underneath.

However for all the fun they have bobbing
There's one thing a duck can't do.
It's flying over your head
And letting go a great clump of worms
On your head.
It's lucky you know.

-----------

I wanted to write a poem about a bird, but it didn't go too well soooo have a look. :critique:
I lost what I found.

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nekot
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Post by nekot » Sun Jun 10, 2007 10:43 pm

Made me chuckle John.


I enjoy the imagery and became that little bird.

The first line of the last stanza sounds like my son talking: "...often...sometimes", like "almost...always....usually". :grin:
(If that makes sense.)



The last line of the next to last stanza and the last stanza got a little awkward for me.

My comments (for what they're worth) in italics:

"Looking calm on top
Whilst working it below
Never certain of what is lurking
Underneath the row."

(I rearranged the following a bit)
"However for all the fun they have bobbing
There's one thing a duck can't do.
It's flying over and letting go
SPLAT
A clump of worms upon your head."


btw: I thought you were (are) a Partridge. :wink: :grin:
~eloquently scattered~
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Squawk
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Post by Squawk » Mon Jun 11, 2007 6:55 am

OK thanks. And yes Partridge, just call me Alan...AHAAAA!
I lost what I found.

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Mon Jun 11, 2007 7:04 am

There's some really good stuff contained in this one Squawk. I've always enjoyed poetic analogies. Now I'm certainly no "bleeping" critic,..... but I think the first verse should set the form and meter for the rest of the piece,...
I sat upon a pretty perch,
And took my time,
To peruse about the landscape
That laid around
Below my feet
In the shadow of the trees.
A lovely lilting feeling is evoked by your use of meter,... not rhyme,..obviously,..... but none the less. I think you should try to fit the rest of your poetic thoughts within the same poetic structure you began with. That's just me though. :thumbsup: :bow:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


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Squawk
Clearwater Poet
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Location: Essex

Post by Squawk » Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:37 am

Yeah I can't say that I disagree with that point. I might come back to it later and have a look at those points. It'll be fun for what it's worth, but I'll say already that I've always had problems with getting stanzas to follow from the last and connect properly. I don't know sometimes I like that inability and other times it sticks out too much. So context like if you had a huge butt in the Edwardian times you'd be fine because they wore dresses with these massive things out the rear but then nowadays it is shunned. Still though I think there's no shame in the ample posterior...

Yes.
I lost what I found.

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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:02 am

So context like if you had a huge butt in the Edwardian times you'd be fine because they wore dresses with these massive things out the rear but then nowadays it is shunned
I confess I've always had a weakness for ample buttage,.....but again,... that's just me. :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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Squawk
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:20 am
Location: Essex

Post by Squawk » Tue Jun 12, 2007 10:02 am

I sat upon a pretty perch
Taking in breath,
Waiting for dawn to break the night.
The sky sprang red,
Beneath my feet
Shadow seen apart from light.

Letting go a cheep and a chirp,
I told the world
That which they so needed to hear.
So now I could
Step back and think
Of all creatures in the air.

Us flyers share a special bond.
We skip through trees
Certain we shan't fall to the ground.
Although above
Limits exist;
Worlds beyond yearn to be found

I dated a duck back in school,
She moaned all day
About how hard it was swimmin'.
But she looked so
Graceful above,
I rolled my eyes, "puhft women!"

Trying to pull a fast one,
Not me though, not
On your nelly.
If I've got something to say
I'll fly high up
And make your hat warm, moist and smelly.

------

Revised.
I lost what I found.

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nekot
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Post by nekot » Tue Jun 12, 2007 5:01 pm

:lol: :mrgreen: :lol:


The revised one sounds like Sound Flap II, different ponderings on a different day.

I'm not sure which one I like better. :hello:

:thumbsup:
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bags123
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Post by bags123 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:56 am

No, no, no,.....that's not right at all. :mrgreen:
I prefer to keep an open mind,....but not so much that my brains fall out.- Carl Sagan
Your brain is like an umbrella. It only works when it's open- Someone Smart


Poet of the Month
March 2011

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